Letting go of Max

Our first cat Max passed away a little over a year ago (the day before AJ's first birthday). He wasn't that old by indoor cat standards but cancer took his life prematurely. My wife and I were with Max when he passed into the next life. We actually made the decision to end his suffering and put him to sleep (see this early post that included this decision and my belief in prayers being answered). Max was cremated and his ashes sat on our dresser for the last year. We had always planned on spreading his ashes somewhere scenic but we never got around to it. With the one year anniversary of his death, we decided it was time to finally set him free.

Today (fittingly Memorial Day), we went over to Shoreline Park and spread Max's ashes by the water where the birds like to congregate. It was a beautiful day and I think that Max would have approved of the location (see these photos). My wife and I walk at Shoreline regularly so we'll get to visit him often. And there is plenty of wildlife activity there to keep him busy when we're not around. Since he was an indoor cat, we never let him go outside on his own. Now, he's finally free to explore the great outdoors to his heart's content.

While we said our final goodbyes today, I actually let Max go a number of months ago. After his death, I thought I was ok with his passing but I wasn't. There were still many things left unsaid and unresolved. Finally, one night, I decided to pray about it. For whatever reason, I really struggled with it. I couldn't bring myself to start. I couldn't figure out what to say. After about 10-15 minutes of this, I decided to focus on my breathing. Eventually I didn't notice my breathing and my mind went completely clear. I knew it was time to begin so I did. I told God that I needed to let Max go and I needed Max to let me go. I also asked to speak to Max for a moment. I genuinely believe that God opened a channel for me directly to wherever Max was. I said some things to Max that needed to be said (and cried heavily in the process). Then I could tell that the signal was fading so I wrapped things up. Afterwards, I was completely spent. I simply laid on the ground (in the dark) for probably 20 minutes. This was the second time I've felt God's direct presence (see this post for the first time about 12 years ago).

Max was a special creature and my family was very lucky to have him in our lives. We still love him and look forward to being reunited with him at some point in the future.