World War II Memorial

During this trip to DC, we took the kids down to the Air & Space and Natural History museums. After the Natural History museum, we walked down to the World War II memorial since I had not seen it before. I was impressed with the new memorial and thought it was a fitting tribute to our veterans from that war. I especially liked this photo taken by my mother that day. It's too bad I don't get to play tourist more often in our nation's capital.

My Christmas Wish

This Christmas, my sincere wish is that the necessary healing and forgiveness will take place within my family and my wife's family that we might all be joyful to always be together as eternal families. This has been my consistent prayer over the last couple of days and my prayer to my Heavenly Father this morning at the Washington, DC temple. I have faith that this prayer will be answered, if not in this life then in the life hereafter.

The exact nature of my family's challenges and those of my wife's family are not appropriate to share in this post. A year and a half ago (see prior post), my brother-in-law JG gave a talk in which he said:

We may think that other people live blessed and charmed lives. What is more likely true is that those people keep their pain and suffering to themselves, and choose not to be miserable. It is interesting that whenever I get to know a charmed person well enough, I inevitably find that there are many troubles the person is dealing with below the surface. I have not yet found a person with whom I would change places, trading my troubles for their troubles. Our troubles our uniquely suited to help us develop.

The families I am a part of are no different in this regard. We have our troubles - significant troubles - but I believe that they are uniquely suited to help us develop. In the premortal life, we chose to come to this Earth to learn and to grow and to be challenged. We may have picked our parents - or perhaps they picked us - but I'm confident we had some say in the matter. There is an important reason why we are together as a family unit and why, at this point in our lives, we face an important decision regarding how we want our family unit to go forward - whether we want to choose to fight to stay together or whether we will choose to drift apart. Right now, I think most family members would choose the latter option. Reconciliation - true, heartfelt, joyful reconciliation - seems almost impossible. It would be almost foolish to hope for, as much as we might wish for it in our hearts. But, this Christmas, as we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, I testify that our Savior lives, that He loves each of us, and, through His atoning sacrifice, we may be forgiven of ours sins. Let us follow His supreme example and forgive ourselves and our loved ones and come together as a family.

Let me take a moment to be clear on a couple of key points. First, I know I am speaking in religious terms (and specifically LDS terms) when I speak of eternal families, premortal existence, and Jesus Christ. For those of you who do not believe in these things, please focus on the spirit of what I'm saying and not on the specific terms I'm using to articulate it. Independent of our individual religious beliefs, my wish remains the same - that healing and forgiveness may occur and that we may be joyful to be families (independent of whether or not you believe those families transcend death). Second, when I speak of forgiveness, I am not saying that we need to forget what has happened in the past or pretend that everything is ok when it's not. I'm also not saying that we shouldn't maintain appropriate boundaries, take necessary precautions, or take action when loved ones transgress against us. I am not saying that others do not need to take responsibility for what they have done or how they continue to act; or that others will not be judged on the totality of their lives. What I am saying is that we need to free up and put to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. We need to rediscover the strengths we have always had and relocate our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.

My brother-in-law DE is fond of the scripture "the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32). I would agree. I am not saying we need to "air our dirty laundry" to the whole world to see. I don't think that would be appropriate. But I do feel strongly that there needs to be open and honest communication among family members - between parents and children and between spouses - regarding the truth of the past and the present. I believe this is essential to the healing process. A couple years ago, I spent two full days asking my parents very personal, sensitive, and penetrating questions about the past. I know that experience was quite challenging and emotional for my parents. I know I dug up old memories and "family secrets" they had carefully buried over the years. And I know they likely still live with scars from those "interviews". But I can say, without any reservation, that those discussions were transformational for me. The entire way I viewed my parents changed over those two days. At a time that I was ready to abandon my relationship with my parents, I gained a conviction that I wanted them in my life and the lives of my children. I was reminded - or more aptly discovered - how deeply they love me. And I forgave them for pain I carried around in my heart for many years. I thank them - from the bottom of my heart - for fighting for our family (even though at the time it probably didn't feel that way to them). The lines of communication have since closed a bit - certain topics, for example, are explicitly off-limits - but I am hopeful the lines of communication will open back up even if that causes occasional discomfort. I am also hopeful that there will be open lines of communication within my wife's family (and extended family) that the truth might make them free.

One quick message specifically to my parents and my wife's parents. You are children of parents as well and I know you have unresolved issues with your own parents (or your in-laws). Healing with your children can only be complete and everlasting if you also heal your relationships with your parents (whether they are living or not). None of us can change our past but we each have control over how we will let the past infiltrate our present and affect our future decisions.

In terms of why I believe this Christmas wish will be answered, I will quickly share a couple of personal experiences from the last few days. Shortly after I arrived here in Bethesda, I decided to do some raking so my father wouldn't need to do it this past weekend. My parents have a large lot and a great number of trees - hence many leaves to be cleared. In the midst of this project, I was thinking about my family and my wife's family and the seed of this post formed and become clear. At one point, I felt compelled to pray that healing might come to our families. Right after that, without any prompting from me, my mother, wife, and two sons came out to help me rake. Working as a family (my father was at work), we finished the project just as it was getting dark. There is no way I could have completed this project on my own and I took the rest of my family coming out when they did as a sign that my prayer had been heard.

Yesterday morning, I began fasting for my trip to the Washington temple today. Right after I began fasting, I felt that I wouldn't be able to make it through. I felt sick, lightheaded, and unable to focus. This fast was much harder than the ones before it. But, I resolved that I would complete the fast as planned. This morning, I felt fine - quite well actually. When I offered my prayer at the temple, I received the same confirmation I received at the Oakland temple (see prior post). I also don't think it's a coincidence that one of the missionaries at the Visitor's Center quoted the same scripture to me and my wife that I quoted to my mother the other night (Alma 7:9-12). I took this as a sign that healing and joy would indeed come to my family and my wife's family over time but that there would be challenges and discomfort along the way and that we would each need to resolve to overcome those challenges.

Finally, when I first came out to DC for this visit, I had no idea what I was supposed to get out of visiting this temple. The first morning we were here, my wife and my father had a "run-in" (and subsequent discussion) that got me thinking about all of this. It continues to amaze me to see how the Lord works through others in our lives.

As with all of my recent spiritual experiences, you could argue that I am reading into these events more than I should or that it's all wishful thinking. And, you might be right. But it doesn't change the strength of my convictions or my belief that our families are worth fighting for and that we will only find true happiness if we heal ourselves and heal our relationships with one another.

With that, Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Sept 11, 2001

My wife and I just watched the movie "World Trade Center" on DVD. My brother lived in NYC at that time. I had already moved out to California after having graduated from business school the prior summer. I remember getting a call from my mother early that morning. Given the time difference, the call woke me up. My mom said that she was calling to let me know that my brother was ok. My immediate response was "why wouldn't he be ok?" She then described the planes crashing into the buildings but none of it made any sense. I got up and turned on CNN. The coverage was surreal. I couldn't even process it all - especially when I saw the twin towers collapse. But I was so thankful to know that my brother was ok. As disturbing as that day's events were, I was glad my brother was ok. I feel selfish saying that given the amount of loss other people experienced that day but that's how I felt. My brother was all that mattered to me. I couldn't even process the rest.

After the movie, I told my wife that I loved her. I also told her that if anything unexpected every happened to me, I wanted her to know that I knew in my heart that we would be together again. Nothing, including death, would be able to seperate the two of us or seperate us from our kids. I am very thankful for that.

Fasting

Many faiths practice the combination of fasting and prayer. Fasting helps us become more attuned to the Spirit and also helps us be more empathetic to the needs of those less fortunate. For each of my temple trips (see here and here), I fasted that I might build my testimony - and those prayers were answered. In discussing the visit to the Oakland temple, I wrote:

My brother-in-law TR got laid off unexpectedly from his job just before Thanksgiving. I decided to fast that he might find a new job and that this experience might help him in his life someway ... I prayed to begin my fast that it might help TR find a new position. TR hasn't found a new job yet but perhaps the later experience at the Oakland temple was God's way of telling me he had heard my prayer and that my fast would help TR in some small way.

Well, it turns out that this prayer was answered as well. During this particular fast, I had a meeting with the missionaries and mentioned that I was fasting (and what my purpose was). One of the missionaries (ER) said that his father runs a business in Utah and might be able to help - and he gave me his father's email address (even though, in general, ER's very reluctant to mix his personal life back in Utah with his missionary life here in California). To make a long story short, I found out on Friday night that TR is going to do some contract audio/video work for this company (on a program that ER started while he was working at his father's company prior to his mission). When I heard the news from NR, I remember thinking "wow, there really is something to this fasting thing." I knew it before (from the temple visits) but this experience really brought it home - and I am very grateful for that. It's one thing to see the Lord work in your own life. But it's even more humbling to see the Lord work through you to touch the life of someone you care about.

The Second Coming

In Primary yesterday, JD gave a short talk about Jesus Christ and the Second Coming (see PDF of talk). JD was very nervous when he got up to the microphone (in front of the teachers and the other kids) but he managed to gain his composure and get started with my help. Then he read the talk from there without further prompting from me. I was very proud of JD and, on a whole, I think he did well.

In terms of the speech itself, JD basically wrote it by himself. We found out on Friday night that JD would be speaking on Sunday. I was honestly worried about my ability to help him with this assignment - especially for a child audience. I wanted the talk to be in his words and based on his own understanding of the topic but assumed I'd need to guide him through every step of the process. But when I woke up the next morning, he was basically done with the speech. In the PDF linked above, I've included his handwritten rough draft (on page 2). Admittedly, he "borrowed" chunks of text from this board book. But he found the book on his own and selected the text on his own. Also, the other commentary is his. The only things I helped him with were (1) reminding him of reading John 3:16 a couple of months ago, (2) finding a picture of the Second Coming (above), and (3) helping him find the third scripture in the talk (from D&C). Other than that, JD did this entirely on his own - which I personally find very impressive.

37 minutes

This past Tuesday, I had to travel to Cincinnati for a business meeting. I had a business dinner with a potential partner that night so I was taking a 6:45am flight to get there in time. I set an alarm for 4am to give me enough time to wake up, get dressed, get to the airport, and get something to eat before my flight. I was up late the previous night doing work. I also had trouble falling asleep so I probably didn't fall asleep until about 2am. When the alarm went off at 4am, I thought I pressed the snooze button but, in actuality, had turned off the alarm. Later that morning, I woke up on my own at 5:28am. I know since I looked at the time on my cell phone right after I woke up and then went into a sudden panic about missing my flight. Luckily I had packed my bags and set out some clothes the prior night. I quickly got dressed, ran out the door, and drove as fast as I could to the airport (SFO). When I reached the gate, I looked at my watch and it was 6:05am. The flight didn't board for another 10 minutes.

I still don't understand how I got from home (in Mountain View) to the gate in so little time. According to Google Maps, it's a 23.5 mile drive from home to SFO. On the highway, I remember driving between 70 and 80 miles per hour. My (old) car can't really go faster than that. So, even if I averaged 70 miles per hour the entire way there (including time on surface streets), the drive alone would have taken 20 minutes. That leaves 17 minutes for everything else. I suppose that's possible. 3 minutes to get dressed and out the door. Say 6 minutes to get parked and up to security. And then 8 minutes to get through security and to the gate. Everything would have to go exactly right and it did.

A couple of reflections on this experience. As I was driving to the airport, I kept thinking "there's no way I'm going to make it". I then starting worrying about how I was going to explain this both internally to my co-workers and externally to the potential partner. I thought of a bunch of plausible excuses for missing the flight (e.g., up all night with sick kids, car trouble, etc). As I was doing this, though, I was reminded of the LDS temple interview questions. One of the questions is whether you have been honest in your dealings with others. So I resolved that if I missed the flight, I would tell the truth about it (even though that would have personal consequences). After that, I also remember thinking during the drive that I really needed to get back to reading my scriptures. Although on a severe lack of sleep, I read the Book of Mormon most of the flight to Cincinnati and was quite alert for it (perhaps given the adrenaline rush for the morning's activities). In the time since then, I've made a lot of progress with my reading and have renewed my commitment to finishing reading the Book of Mormon before my baptism in January. Ideally, I'd like to have it done by the time I return from visiting my parents in Washington, D.C. for the holidays (January 4).

I'll mention one more thing about this experience. Between 4am and 5:28am, I had an interesting dream. During one portion, I was talking to a group of people who were challenging me on why I was joining the Church. I remember responding "if it were up to me, do you really think I would have picked a religion with so many demands? One where you can't even drink? Come on, let's get serious here." And, then later, I was kissing a woman's neck (not my wife) and putting my arm around her waist from behind. But thinking the whole time, I need to stop - and that's when I woke up and saw what time it was. It's this latter part of my dream that motivated me to get back to reading the scriptures. Given everything that's been going on, I think I was thinking "my testimony is so strong right now that evil can't touch me" and that's just not true. There is SO much farther I need to go. I am inadequate in SO many ways.

In President Eyring's talk (see previous post), he says:

And the challenge to remember has always been the hardest for those who are blessed abundantly. Those who are faithful to God are protected and prospered. That comes as the result of serving God and keeping His commandments. But with those blessings comes the temptation to forget their source. It is easy to begin to feel the blessings were granted not by a loving God on whom we depend but by our own powers. The prophets have repeated this lament over and over:

“And thus we can behold how false, and also the unsteadiness of the hearts of the children of men; yea, we can see that the Lord in his great infinite goodness doth bless and prosper those who put their trust in him.

“Yea, and we may see at the very time when he doth prosper his people, yea, in the increase of their fields, their flocks and their herds, and in gold, and in silver, and in all manner of precious things of every kind and art; sparing their lives, and delivering them out of the hands of their enemies; softening the hearts of their enemies that they should not declare wars against them; yea, and in fine, doing all things for the welfare and happiness of his people; yea, then is the time that they do harden their hearts, and do forget the Lord their God, and do trample under their feet the Holy One—yea, and this because of their ease, and their exceedingly great prosperity.”

And the prophet goes on to say: “Yea, how quick to be lifted up in pride; yea, how quick to boast, and do all manner of that which is iniquity; and how slow are they to remember the Lord their God, and to give ear unto his counsels, yea, how slow to walk in wisdom’s paths!”

Over the last month or so, I have tried to keep God front-and-center in my thoughts and attribute everything that has happened to Him. But I have to admit there have been periods of pride where I felt superior to others or unshakeable in my new beliefs. And I think part of this early morning experience was meant to remind me that I need to be humble and always remember the source of the blessings in my life.

I also think this incident was meant to remind me of the hand the Lord plays in our lives. I was reminded of a prior post in which I briefly discussed this excerpt from the Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis:

Don't forget to use the "Heads I win, tails you lose" argument. If the thing he prays for doesn't happen, then that is one more proof that petitionary prayers don't work; if it does happen, he will, of course, be able to see some of the physical causes which led up to it, and "therefore it would have happened anyway," and thus a granted prayer becomes just as good a proof as a denied one that prayers are ineffective.

I could pretend that making this flight was my own doing. That I would have made it without God's help. But I would be wrong. The Lord saw fit for me to make it in time. He had a role to play in my life that day and I recognize that - and thank Him for it.

O Remember, Remember

Over the last month or so, I've had a number of relatively "dramatic" spiritual experiences associated with my upcoming baptism into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (see here, here, and here). And I also had a strong spiritual experience 14 years ago (see here). I've been wondering why my Heavenly Father would provide me with so many testimony-building experiences - and in such rapid succession - when others I know haven't had any. I am surely grateful for these experiences but also feel a bit uncomfortable to have these blessing bestowed upon me. I honestly don't feel worthy and a bit unprepared.

During the weekly church service today, two members were asked to discuss a recent talk given by President Henry B. Eyring called "O Remember, Remember". In it, President Eyring discusses how we should find ways to recognize and remember God’s kindness in our daily lives. At one point, he relays a personal experience in which he received this message: “I’m not giving you these experiences for yourself. Write them down.” And, there it was. The answer to my question. Perhaps the reason why I have been given these experiences - especially at this point in my life - is that I have this venue (my blog) to write about them and share them with others. In that way, my recent experiences have the ability to touch the lives of others.

First Vision

Last Saturday (December 1), I visited the Oakland and Sacramento LDS temples (see prior post for rationale). The most significant outcome of those visits was gaining a personal testimony of Joseph Smith's First Vision and that Joseph Smith was a prophet. When I bore my testimony last Sunday in front of the congregation (see prior post for rationale), I mentioned that I had previously intellectually known (or at least didn't actively disbelieve) these things but now knew in my heart that they were true.

Many of you probably don't know what the "First Vision" is so let me attempt to give some brief background - more here. When Joseph Smith was 14 years old, he was trying to decide which Christian denomination to join. While reading the Bible, he came across James 1:5: "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him". Joseph decided to put this promise to the test. In the Joseph Smith History 1:12-13, it says:

12 Never did any passage of scripture come with more power to the heart of man than this did at this time to mine. It seemed to enter with great force into every feeling of my heart. I reflected on it again and again, knowing that if any person needed wisdom from God, I did; for how to act I did not know, and unless I could get more wisdom than I then had, I would never know; for the teachers of religion of the different sects understood the same passages of scripture so differently as to destroy all confidence in settling the question by an appeal to the Bible.
13 At length I came to the conclusion that I must either remain in darkness and confusion, or else I must do as James direct, that is, ask of God. I at length came to the determination to "ask of God," concluding that if he gave wisdom to them that lacked wisdom, and would give liberally, and not upbraid, I might venture.

On a spring day in 1820, he prayed in a grove of trees to know which church was true. God the Father and Jesus Christ, "two Personages, whose brightness and glory defy all description," appeared and spoke with him. In the Joseph Smith History 1:17-19, it goes on to say:

17 One of them spake unto me, calling me by name and said, pointing to the other - This is My Beloved Son. Hear Him!
18 My object in going to inquire of the Lord was to know which of all the sects was right, that I might know which to join. No sooner, therefore, did I get possession of myself, so as to be able to speak, than I asked the Personages who stood above me in the light, which of all the sects was right (for at this time it had never entered into my heart that all were wrong) - and which I should join.
19 I was answered that I must join none of them, for they were all wrong; and the Personage who addressed me said that all their creeds were an abomination in his sight; that those professors were all corrupt; that: "they draw near to me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me, they teach for doctrines the commandments of men, having a form of godliness, but they deny the power thereof."

So, basically, Joseph Smith is visited by God and Jesus Christ and told that he shouldn't join any of the churches of that day and that he should await further instructions from on high. This is a fantastic story and one that many people have a very hard time accepting. As I mentioned earlier, I didn't disbelieve that Joseph Smith had this First Vision or that he was a prophet of God, but I also didn't have a burning conviction that they were true either.

On Friday night, my brother-in-law DE came over and we watched a movie. After he left, I decided to pray that I would get something out of the temple visits the next day. As I did so, I had a visceral experience that I couldn't explain at the time. I had the feeling of pressure pushing down upon me but also an aura or force field around me as well. I also remember pleading with God to stay with me during this experience. After I was done praying, I remember thinking "that was an odd experience" but I didn't read into it any more than that.

The following day, I visited the Oakland temple in the morning. At the visitor center, they were showing the movie "Joseph Smith: Prophet of the Restoration". One of the missionaries had told me that I should definitely check it out if I had a chance. During the movie, they visually depicted the First Vision, including this part described in the Joseph Smith History 1:15-16:

15 After I had retired to the place where I had previously designed to go, having looked around me, and finding myself alone, I kneeled down and began to offer up the desires of my heart to God. I had scarcely done so, when immediately I was seized by some power which entirely overcame me, and had such an astonishing influence over me as to bind my tongue so that I could not speak. Thick darkness gathered around me, and it seemed to me for a time as if I were doomed to sudden destruction.
16 But, exerting all my powers to call upon God to deliver me out of the power of this enemy which had seized upon me, and at the very moment when I was ready to sink into despair and abandon myself to destruction - not to an imaginary ruin, but to the power of some actual being from the unseen world, who had such marvelous power as I had never before felt in any being - just at this moment of great alarm, I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun, which descended gradually until it fell upon me.

I didn't know about this dark initial part of the First Vision at the time so it took me by surprise when I saw it on screen. But I immediately connected with it, though, given my "odd experience" the night before. It was then and there that I knew in my heart that the First Vision took place as Joseph Smith had described and that he was a prophet of God. Honestly, this was the last thing I was expecting to get out of the day but I can't deny it either.

Shortly after the movie ended, I decided to offer a short prayer outside the temple with my sister-in-law HG. It was a chilly, windy, cloudy day. When we sat down and I began my prayer, the sun came out from behind the clouds and shone down on me and HG. I remember the warmth it brought and the intensity of the light through my eyelids. I actually paused at one point to soak it all in and then abruptly ended the prayer because any further thoughts exited my mind. I wouldn't go so far as to say that the Lord was showing favor for me in this moment. If anything, it reminded me of an experience about a week prior. My brother-in-law TR got laid off unexpectedly from his job just before Thanksgiving. I decided to fast that he might find a new job and that this experience might help him in his life someway. I decided to fast from 1pm on Wednesday, November 21 (the day before Thanksgiving) to 3pm on Thursday, November 22 (Thanksgiving day). I decided to skip dinner and breakfast since I had a business lunch already scheduled that Wednesday and it had been months in the making. I also didn't want to skip the Thanksgiving lunch/dinner that my brother-in-law DE was preparing. That Wednesday afternoon, I decided to start my fast with a prayer. I didn't want to do it at work so I went for a short walk. I got about 5 or 6 blocks from my office and found a quiet spot in an industrial complex. It was a bright California day and I remember the warmth and brightness of the sun as I prayed to begin my fast that it might help TR find a new position. TR hasn't found a new job yet but perhaps the later experience at the Oakland temple was God's way of telling me he had heard my prayer and that my fast would help TR in some small way. [Aside: I fasted on December 1 as part of the temple visits.]

That's everything for the Oakland temple. The Sacramento temple visit was much less eventful. HG and I drove 2 hours from the Oakland temple to the Sacramento temple and arrived around 2:30 or 3pm. It's a small temple and there is no visitor's center or anything like that. I had one suggestion for someone to speak with at the Sacramento temple but he wasn't available. So HG and I walked around the grounds - which aren't that big and I'd seen them before when I visited the open house for this temple last August (see prior post). HG had visited the open house as well and shared her observation that she had felt a noticeable difference between the Sacramento temple during the open house compared with other temples she had been in. Basically, her observation was that temples are just beautiful buildings until they are dedicated. I thought that was an interesting insight and one that I'll file away for future reflection.

I'm curious to see what the Washington, DC and Rexburg temples have in store for me. Just as I'm composing this part of the post, an email came in regarding my missionary work talk (see previous post). It says:

True to your comments on missionaries converting themselves, one of the times that I felt a true acceleration in my conversion was during my first Christmas on my mission. I cannot pinpoint the moment exactly, but I remember feeling completely overcome with a sudden understanding of why we (as a people) were celebrating: We have a Savior! I was filled with such joy and thankfulness at the thought of the Messiah. It seemed to sink deeper into my understanding, and for a time, I was truly overwhelmed with joy and relief. Then, it deepened further, and I was impressed with the sense of responsibility I had to share that understanding. It was a crowning moment for me to suddenly realize that I was a missionary preaching of Christ on Christmas. It felt so right.

It's not lost on me that I'll be visiting the DC temple right around Christmas. So, if I had to guess, I would say that visit may provide a deeper understanding of Jesus Christ and His atoning sacrifice. But I've been dead-wrong with my other predictions so I suspect I'll get something else out of the visit. I think the feeling of surprise is part of what drives home for me that the messages I'm taking away from these experiences are genuine and not a result of "wish fulfillment" or "delusion". God knows how my mind works and is tailoring his message so I can recognize and accept it.

There are some additional implications of my "First Vision" experience but it's late so I'll save them for another post. As DE says, good night and good luck.

Why Missionary Work Is So Important

A couple of weeks ago, one of the missionaries I've been meeting with jokingly suggested that I prepare a Sacrament meeting talk. For those of you not familiar with the LDS Church, the main gathering of the ward (congregation) each week is called the Sacrament meeting. One element of the meeting is two members of the ward being asked to give talks (speeches) regarding an assigned topic. Once given the topic, the person is free to take the talk in whatever direction they see fit. Partially to see if I could do it, partially as a thank you to the missionaries, I decided to write a hypothetical talk regarding "why missionary work is so important" (download PDF). Please let me know what you think if you're so inclined.

Family Walkathon

A little while ago, JD participated in a walkathon at school to raise money for the PTA. He got various sponsors (mostly family members) who donated a certain amount of money for each lap that he did around the school. JD had so much fun doing the walkathon at school that he decided that he wanted to do a family walkathon for fun. So we did one on Thanksgiving before dinner. We setup some cones next to the football field of a local high school and kept track of laps on lap cards I made the day before. Each lap was 130 yards (a 60 yard by 5 yard rectangle) and the lap cards went up to 40 laps (just under 3 miles total). JD completed all of his laps first (since he ran some of them) and I also completed the full number. AJ also did a lot of laps (around 30). It was a fun little event.

More generally, I hope the kids can enjoy regular exercise in their lives. I've never really been into exercise. I force myself to do it periodically to lose weight or try to stay healthy. But I don't really enjoy it very much. Perhaps that will change in the future - especially if I can do more of it with the kids. Last night, JD decided he wanted to do this Physical Fitness Award Program and I'm going to try to do it too.

The AstroWizard!

Tonight was Science Night at JD's school. They had the AstroWizard come in to talk about the solar system and to conduct various experiments (including various explosions). JD was totally into it and I really enjoyed the event as well. Even though the guy was talking to a bunch of elementary school kids, he weaved in a bunch of additional information that was really interesting (and advanced) for the adults as well. What struck me the most was the AstroWizard's obvious passion about science and astronomy. He really brough the subject alive through his enthusiasm. He loved this subject so much that he couldn't resist sharing it with other people. Sometimes I wish I had a subject that I was equivalently passionate about that I could share with the world; my version of the AstroWizard solar system presentation or the Al Gore climate change presentation. Although it doesn't have a singular focus, I suppose this blog kind of falls into that category - but not really. At any rate, bravo AstroWizard on a great performance tonight!

Listen and obey

One of the more unique aspects of the LDS faith is the belief in "kingdoms of glory" - effectively levels within heaven that are varying distances from God. More on the different levels and why someone would end up at each level at the MormonWiki but the short version is that there are three levels: Celestial, Terrestrial, and Telestial. The highest level is the Celestial Kingdom where we are in the direct presence of our Heavenly Father. It is compared to the brightness of the sun. The next-highest level is the Terrestrial Kingdom and it is compared to the brightness of the moon. And the lowest level is the Telestial Kingdom and it is compared to the brightness of the stars in the sky. Regardless of levels, however, these kingdoms are all part of heaven and they are all more glorious than man can currently comprehend.

Yesterday, at my Gospel Essentials class, we were talking about the concept of eternal families and why families are a centerpiece of the Church. One aspect of that is that families provide a laboratory for understanding what our relationship to our Heavenly Father and our relationship to others in this world should look and feel like. During the class, I made the observation that people's view of their relationship with God (their Heavenly Father) is often heavily influenced by their relationship with their father on Earth. With my own children, I've tried to keep that in mind and serve as a role model of how their relationship with their Heavenly Father will be like. As an aside, I'm rarely successful in this regard but I'm trying to improve.

Tonight, at bedtime, my kids drove home for me in a very real and tangible way what the different kingdoms of glory are probably like. My younger son AJ is three and a half and at a particularly rebellious point at the moment. He often intentionally disobeys what my wife and I tell him to do and that's very frustrating to us. As part of our normal bedtime routine, the kids clean up, watch a short show, get into PJs, read books, and (if necessary) read on their own in bed with their light on. They particularly like the show and book part so we (unfortunately) often have to threaten to take those things away to incent the proper behavior at other points during the day. Today was no exception.

AJ wouldn't clean up or get into PJs and intentionally disobeyed multiple times. I tried to be patient. I gave him multiple chances to comply in different ways but he wouldn't do it. So I took away his nighttime book. Then I gave him some more chances and he still listen or obey so he lost the opportunity to listen to his brother's book (and would have to go directly to bed after he was in PJs). When book time came along, I took him into his room and told him that he wasn't allowed to come out. He got very upset and started crying a great deal. He also kept saying that he wanted to be with me in the other room. I eventually went to talk with him and explained that he had lost these privileges since he couldn't listen and obey. I also asked him what we say when we make someone sad or angry. He eventually said "sorry" and said that he would listen and obey moving forward. I let him come out to the couch to listen to his brother's book - but he had still lost his own book. As I began reading JD's book, AJ was still having trouble. I kept reminding him that if he wanted to stay with us he needed to show me that he could listen and obey. Eventually he sat next to me like I asked. He was calm and happier since he was in my presence but I was focusing all my attention on JD (who had done everything I'd ask tonight). I had my arm around JD. I was answering all his questions. We were bonding. AJ was simply sitting next to me but wasn't part of the action.

[Aside: to be clear, I'm not picking on AJ here. This is just one instance. There are plenty of other instances where he behaves like a little angel and JD is the one who has trouble listening or obeying. Also, when JD was younger, he went through a phase like this as well.]

So what does this have to do with kingdoms of glory? Let's think about AJ and JD's situations. When AJ was in his room, he was in the Telestial Kingdom. He was safe in our house and knew that I still loved him but he was also far away from me (and quite upset about it) since he "continued in his sins and did not repent" (Preach My Gospel, page 53). The action which unlocked the Terrestrial Kingdom (coming out to the couch) was repentence and a commitment to listen and obey. AJ was able to be closer to me (which made him more content) but he also didn't get my full and complete attention like JD (who was, metaphorically, in the Celestial Kingdom).

At the time (and now in hindsight), it's interesting to me how many times I used the words "listen and obey" with AJ. On some level, it's that easy - or, depending on your perspective, that hard. We need to listen to what our Heavenly Father asks of us and then obey. And, if we do that, we'll get his full and complete attention in the next life.

Mormon missions

Since I decided to join the LDS Church, a couple of people have asked me if that means I'll have to go on a two-year mission. My response has been: "No, going on a mission is completely optional - even for 19-year-old guys. But I will be required to meet an annual convert quota. Otherwise my membership in the Church will be revoked. I'm banking on converting you to meet my first-year quota. After that, though, I may have to go door-to-door." =)

Seriously, though, there are a lot of misconceptions out there about the LDS Church and I recognize that, for better or worse, I'm going to be a spokesperson or representative for the Church to people I know or meet (even if I'm not trying to convert them). All the more reason in my mind to (a) have a firm testimony, (b) continue to deepen my knowledge of the beliefs, scriptures, etc., and (c) be an exemplar of those beliefs.

Off I go to Idaho

In an unexpected plot twist, I'll be visiting the Rexburg Idaho Temple open house on Saturday, January 12. A person in my ward (who I don't know but will be sure to meet) forwarded my blog to the President of BYU-Idaho (KC, who is also the former Dean at HBS from when I was a MBA student there in 1998-2000). KC invited me to visit the open house if I could. I have an immense amount of respect for the man so I booked a flight tonight to visit. With everything else going on right now, I find it very hard to believe this invitation is purely a coincidence so I feel compelled to go. Should be an interesting trip a week before my baptism date.

Update (11/13/07): My brother-in-law TR will be joining me for this trip to Rexburg. I'm totally excited to spend a dedicated block of time with him; in fact, it could very well be the main reason this trip came together.

I'm all in

Part one of the "temple tour" is complete. For those of you who like to cut to the chase, here are the key takeaways. I now know that I know. I will bear my testimony of that at the December 2 fast & testimony meeting (even though I won't be a member at that point). Future temple visits and discussions will focus on (a) how to maintain and deepen my testimony & commitment once I come out of the "honeymoon period" with the Church and (b) how to be ready for what will be asked of me. As an aside, if there was any doubt before, I have officially lost my mind - but it's a very good thing.

I'm guessing at least one of you is interested in the details so here you go. Today, I visited the Fresno temple with my wife's uncle (GH) - see previous post for rationale. I fasted for the visit - which was both easier and harder than I had predicted - although the level of difficulty is mostly irrelevant since fasting was asked of me so I didn't have any choice in the matter. During the visit, I met the President of the California Fresno Mission along with the First Counselor of the Fresno Temple (FCF, who also happened to have served as a Mission President in Australia and whose birthday is the day after I'm planning to be baptized). The Fresno Mission President (PB) was formerly the Stake President in Utah for my sister-in-law NR (the one who led to my first spiritual experience with the Church 14 years ago) and her husband. He also happened to know the California San Francisco Mission President (who I met with 8 days ago) and called him prior to my visit. GH's great-grandfather joined the Church in October 1830 - 6 months after it was established - and probably knew Joseph Smith personally. And, during the visit, I also happened to meet a couple who are friends of my mother-in-law and father-in-law from a number of years ago. All purely coincidence? I personally don't think so but others can make their own judgments.

In terms of the visit itself, GH and I met PB outside of the Temple at 11am. I asked GH to start us off with a prayer - which he graciously accommodated. We chatted for a little bit before entering the lobby of the Temple. PB introduced me to FCF and the three of us talked for about a half hour. During that conversation, PB and FCF talked about different aspects of temples along with various Church beliefs. After awhile, they asked me if there were any specific questions they could answer and I said "no". In fact, I said that, as they were talking, I felt that they were "preaching to the converted" and that perhaps that feeling was the point of my visit to this particular Temple. Making that statement was basically when I knew that I knew. [As an aside, if you haven't heard or read the "Knowing That We Know" talk from the last General Conference, definitely check it out if you're interested in building a personal testimony.]

After this discussion with FCF, PB and I took a short walk around the grounds. We talked about the "Knowing That We Know" talk. I also told him that I have a feeling that God will ask a great deal from me - especially given the stature of people he is sending to me now - and that thought was both humbling and scary. Specifically, I'm concerned that I won't have the right level of enthusiasm (or attitude) at the time (due to other considerations in my life like work or family) and/or that I won't have the ability to live up to the calling. PB had some very helpful and comforting insights in this regard. He shared that he has had callings of his own that he feared his wasn't qualified for or that there had been a mistake in the revelation that had been received - but in all of those instances, God had given him the strength and ability that he needed to fulfill his responsibilities.

I hate to make a gambling analogy is the context of religion but it's been in my head all day. Both during and after the visit, the phrase "I'm all in" kept going through my mind. I was taking all my chips and making this bet, this leap of faith, on the Church. There are still a number of things I don't know about the Church, the Book of Mormon, etc but I'm betting all my chips. I'm "all in" at this point.

That's everything for the Temple visit itself. During the 3-hour drive home, I had time to reflect on what had happened today. During that drive, I came to some additional conclusions (that I believe are at the prompting of the Spirit). First, I have three more temple visits before I get baptized (Sacramento, Oakland, and DC). Given the fact that I now have a testimony, what am I supposed to get out of those others visits? I don't know for sure but I believe one aspect of that is trying to answer two questions: (a) how to maintain and deepen my testimony & commitment once I come out of the "honeymoon period" with the Church and (b) how to be ready for what will be asked of me. In terms of the first question, I was talking to my brother-in-law JG last night and he compared a testimony to a marriage. In his case, he was comparing the question "when did you know that you know?" to "when did you know that you love your wife?" But that got me thinking more broadly about testimony and commitment building in the context of marriage. In particular, I was thinking about how many people have the misconception that if you find the right person to marry, everything else should come totally naturally and that you'll live "happily ever after". In reality, having a strong marriage takes a lot of work, particularly after you get past the excitement of the "honeymoon period" and settle into regular, day-to-day life. At that point, it becomes easy to take the marriage for granted and invest your energies in other areas of your life when in reality the marriage needs more (not less) attention at each subsequent stage.

And, second, I decided to bear my testimony at the next fast & testimony meeting on Sunday, December 2. That is coincidentally the day after I'm planning to visit the Sacramento and Oakland temples. While potentially odd (since I won't be a member at that point), the rationale is multi-fold: (a) serve as a forcing function and test of my testimony, (b) help reinforce or build the testimony of others, and (c) help ward off evil. This last element may not be immediately obvious. Multiple people have told me that Satan works hardest on people during the period in between when they decide to be baptized and when the baptism actually occurs. Given the long delay between now and January 19, I may be especially exposed in that regard. Which also means that I can most use the help and support of others - hence the public proclamation on December 2 (and a similar proclamation and request for help here in this blog).

One final thought. I would have never requested that GH have a stroke and almost die (multiple times). But I am personally grateful that happened in his life. Had it not, I would have never taken a personal interest in GH and his wife PH - and today's experience wouldn't have been possible. At some point in the future, it's possible that I still would have gained a testimony of the Church. It's possible that I would come to know that I know. But I personally believe that it was supposed to happen today in this way - that in the grand scheme of things all of these things (including GH's health struggles) have happened for a reason. And at least today, that reason was to help me build my testimony. So I am grateful for that and continue to be in awe of the interconnectedness of our lives.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

January 19, 2008

I'll warn you in advance that some of you will read this entry and think I've lost my mind. Others will read it and think it's cool. You're all right. I'll also warn you in advance that this entry will be pretty long. For those of you with short attention spans, here are the key takeaways. I've set Saturday, January 19, 2008 as my date to be baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Between now and then, I'm going to visit the Fresno, Sacramento, Oakland, and DC temples to help build my testimony.

Now, for those of you with a little time on your hands, let me give you all the gory details. As I discussed in a previous post, I've been officially investigating the LDS Church for the last month and a half based on a seemingly random chain of events that reminded me of an experience I had 14 years ago. During the last six weeks, I've had various meetings with the missionaries along with other ward members. I've been reading the Book of Mormon (BOM) for the last 10 days based on not wanting to be outdone by an 11-year old (see post). And I've been praying consistently while reading the BOM - mostly to get something out of the reading but also to find answers to my questions.

Going into this process, I wouldn't have guessed I'd end up at this point so quickly. There was even a point with the missionaries where I was planning to "take a break" from further discussions but changed my mind during the meeting in which I was going to deliver that message. I've had swings (sometimes within the same day) from thinking I was ready to be baptized right then to thinking it would never happen. So it hasn't been a perfectly smooth process but that's probably by design.

In terms of the tipping point, it was a rapid set of events over a 48 hour period. Last Friday, I had a meeting with the missionaries. I had taken the day off from work to catch up on personal matters - mostly this blog. As you may have noticed, I had a flurry of seven blog entries that day, including four about Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. As it turns out, the President of the San Francisco Mission joined the missionaries for this meeting. We ended up talking for 2 hours (a typical meeting is supposed to be 45 minutes) and I only ended the conversation because I was very late for some dinner guests at home. We covered a wide range of topics during that meeting, including PK giving me an overview of structure and chronology of the BOM. Given his obvious deep knowledge of the material, I posed all my "hard" questions to him and he had immediate responses. I got the distinct impression that there was no (doctrinal) question I could ask him that he wouldn't have a good answer for. In addition to his depth of knowledge, I was also impressed with PK's obvious depth of character. He seemed to have a genuine desire to find the truth wherever it may be - having read, for example, the Qur'an and scriptures of other faiths. He also had a genuine interest in serving others and spreading the Gospel.

During this meeting, the missionaries asked "you seem ready, what's holding you back from being baptized?" Based on the flow of the conversation, it was a fair and logical question. My response was that I'd like to believe that I'm the type of person who does what he says he's going to do. So if I make certain covenants with God, I'm going to keep them. But I wouldn't make that decision lightly. Also, I hadn't finished reading the BOM yet so I didn't see the harm in getting to the end of the process - even if it meant waiting to make the decision for another 30, 60, or 90 days (or more). Who knows, maybe I'd find something in the BOM that I wouldn't be able to get comfortable with - although I didn't think that was likely. The missionaries and the Mission President were very understanding and didn't apply any pressure. They just asked the question and left it at that.

On the way home and later that evening, I thought about the baptism discussion I'd had and what was holding me back. I read over the baptismal interview questions on page 206 of Preach My Gospel - also see here. After reading through these questions a couple of times and thinking about it, I sent the following email to JW:

Subject: Believe vs willing to believe

Hi JW,

I had another good meeting with the missionaries today. And PK was able to join us too. I'm reading through the baptismal interview questions on page 206 of Preach My Gospel - specifically the first two:

(1a) Do you believe that God is our Eternal Father?
(1b) Do you believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, the Savior and Redeemer of the world?
(2a) Do you believe the Church and gospel of Jesus Christ have been restored through the Prophet Joseph Smith?
(2b) Do you believe that [current Church President] is a prophet of God?

For 1a, my answer would be yes. For 1b, 2a, and 2b, my answer would be that I'm willing to believe those things since I don't have a compelling reason not to believe them. Is that sufficient at this stage of the game? Or is "believe" the moral equivalent of "know with certainty" in this context ( e.g., do you know with certainty that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, the Savior and Redeemer of the world?). Trying to understand the bar from the Church's perspective and independently reconcile that with my own bar for entering into covenants with God.

One of the questions the missionaries asked me was what's holding me back from being baptized. This difference between belief (and knowing with certainty) vs being willing to believe (but not knowing with certainty) is one of the main things holding me back so thought I'd solicit your opinion on the matter. To the extent it makes a difference, when I say "know with certainty", I implicitly mean "know in my heart" as opposed to purely "knowing in an intellectual way".

Thanks,
GNP

It was late at that point so I ended up leaving my stuff out and going to bed. The next morning, I went to put Preach My Gospel (still open to the baptismal interview questions) away in my backpack. As I did, page 4 of the October 2007 issue of Ensign stared back at me. Many weeks ago I had opened the magazine to the first article but hadn't had time to read it. So the magazine had been sitting in my backpack ever since, still open to that article. On the opposing page (and the side facing me as I opened my bag) was a picture of Christ being baptized by John the Baptist. Now, the magazine wasn't the only thing in my backpack. It was part of a big stack of papers and books but it just so happens that I went to insert Preach My Gospel into my bag at the place in the stack where this picture was staring back at me right in the face. You could certainly chock that up to random coincidence but I don't believe in random coincidences (see post). I took this as an unmistakable sign that, despite my reservations (that I had expressed the night before), I was supposed to be baptized. So I got the ball rolling in my mind regarding what date I should pick, etc.

But this still left me with an obvious problem. Even though I received this sign I was supposed to be baptized, it didn't magically change the fact that the strength of my testimony hadn't changed in 8 hours while I had been sleeping. The day unfolded without much more drama - just a variety of activities with the kids. That night, my wife and I went to an 80's party at a friend's house. As we were leaving the party, I saw on my Treo that I had received a reply from JW to my email. I was hoping he'd let me off the hook and say that being willing to believe was enough, but alas he's not that type of guy. He's one of those people who tells you what you don't want to hear but know is true. The gist of his response was that the interview questions are asking about your personal testimony and that I should continue to read the BOM and pray about it to build mine. For encouragement, he cited D&C 112:10: "Be thou humble; and the Lord thy God shall lead thee by the hand, and give thee answer to thy prayers."

We get home from the party and I decide to make some further progress on the BOM. I was in the middle of some challenging chapters in 2 Nephi by Isaiah and honestly not getting a lot out of it. Even though I had prayed before opening the BOM for assistance focusing on the material and assessing its truth, I couldn't help thinking about JW's response about building my testimony. For awhile, people had been suggesting varying forms of fasting and prayer to know what I should do (or know whether the BOM was true). I had this picture in my head of going off by myself at some point for some solitude and prayer to get me over the hump. Similar to Joseph Smith in the woods or Jesus in Gethsemane, I was going to go off into nature to pray and find answers to my questions. But, in my mind, I was going to go on the hike or was going to sit around some place scenic. In the midst of reading the BOM, I got an overwhelming feeling (message) that I was supposed to go to temples rather than nature to build my testimony. I stopped what I was doing and dwelled in the moment. What I specifically took away was that I was supposed to visit the Fresno temple with my wife's uncle this Saturday (during a previously scheduled visit), visit the DC temple while visiting my parents for Christmas and New Years, and visit the Sacramento and Oakland temples somewhere in between.

Now, let's be clear about a couple of things. At the time (and even now), it's not at all clear to me what I'm supposed to do or what I'm supposed to learn by going to these temples. Also, I feel totally ridiculous every time I tell anyone this part of the story because (a) it's not clear why God would instruct me to do this and (b) he instructed me to visit multiple buildings that I can't even enter. For those of you who are fans of the movie Pee Wee's Big Adventure, it feels like being told to pack my bags for San Antonio so I can find my bike in the basement of the Alamo when the Alamo doesn't have a basement to begin with. That said, I'm not questioning this instruction in any way and made plans to following morning to visit these four temples. When God tells you to do something (or at least you believe that to be true), you do it, no questions asked.

[Aside #1: I was also tempted to book a flight to visit the Salt Lake temple to see the statue of Christ in the visitor center there. It's one of my few childhood memories from an around-the-country trip we took one summer. But I don't believe it was part of the official guidance so I'll do it another time.]

[Aside #2: The purpose of visiting the Fresno temple may already have become clear. My wife's aunt and uncle are friends with the Fresno Mission President and he will be joining us for my visit to that temple. So I assume that could be the reason I was meant to go to that temple - but I could be wrong.]

[Aside #3: One hypothesis I had is that perhaps God is instructing me to go to these temples precisely because I can't go into them. Effectively, I'd go to these places and all I'd take away from them is a disappointment of not being able to go inside. And then have that motivate me to make changes in my life - including being baptized - so that I could enter the temple down the road.]

[Aside #4: My sister-in-law HG was joking the other night that I must be going for a world record in terms of how many missionaries (and Mission Presidents) I can have involved in my conversion. So far I've met with three missionaries in the ward and my wife's sister NR got me on this path in the first place 14 years ago during her mission in Chile. Then there's the San Francisco Mission President and soon to be the Fresno Mission President. And presumably I'll end up talking with one or more missionaries at each of the Sacramento, Oakland, and DC temples. Crazy.]

Ok, back to Saturday. I get this personal revelation and decide to go to bed. That night, I have a dream about a house burning down and being reduced to rubble. You could argue this doesn't mean anything (and you might be right) but I interpreted it as follows. In Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis makes the analogy of imagining yourself as a house that God will rebuild into a palace that He will live in personally (see post). People also refer to confirmation (following baptism with water) as "baptism with fire". So I interpreted this dream (the picture of which is still in my head even now) to mean that God is going to burn down my house (figuratively) and build me back up exactly how he wants me (and for his purpose). A couple of reactions that morning: (1) "enough already, I get it, I'm supposed to get baptized", (2) I'll personally end up in a better place in my life long-term but the burn-down and rebuild process is going to be really unpleasant and I hope God gives me the strength to get through it, and (3) God isn't messing around, he's got plans for me independent of what I might otherwise want or what would be personally easy for me; but I better accept God's plan and callings when the time comes regardless of what else I have going on.

So that's the scoop. Now, you may have one more question in your mind so let me answer it. Why January 19, 2008? Is there something special about that date? The short answer is no. I needed a date in the new year so I'd have time to visit the DC temple over the holidays. I also needed to build in time for the baptismal interview to occur once I got back. And I wanted my sister-in-law NR to be at the baptism (since she got me on the path 14 years ago) and that Saturday worked for her family. So I booked a flight out for her and locked in the date with the missionaries. But otherwise, there's nothing special about the date other than it being the birthday of the Prophet Mohammed (of Islam) in 570 AD (according to Today in History) - but that had absolutely nothing to do with it (although it is an intriguing "coincidence").

As I mentioned in the opening, some of you (if you got this far in the post) will think I've lost my mind and others will think this is all very cool. It's up to you to make that judgement for yourself. All I can say is that this sequence of events holds personal significance to me - so much so that I've decided to be baptized into a particular Church (on the assumption / faith that my testimony will grow sufficiently in the meantime) and also blindly do a "temple tour" without knowing in advance what I'm supposed to do at each location when I get there. What I do know, however, is that if I ever get asked to do a talk on "the Lord works in mysterious ways", I'll definitely have plenty of material. =)

PS - You're all invited to the baptism and/or confirmation if you want to attend. But certainly do not feel compelled to be there. I know you'll all be there in spirit.

Beyond Personality

The final section of Mere Christianity is called "Beyond Personality: or First Steps in the Doctrine of the Trinity". As with the last couple posts, here are the excerpts that I marked:

Theology means "the science of God"...

Now that is the first thing to get clear. What God begets is God; just as what man begets is man. What God creates is not God; just as what man makes is not man. That is why men are not Sons of God in the sense that Christ is. They may be like God in certain ways, but they are not things of the same kind. They are more like statues or pictures of God...

As long as we are thinking that way, one or other of two results is likely to follow. Either we give up trying to be good, or else we become very unhappy indeed. For, make no mistake: if you are really going to try to meet all the demand made on the natural self, it will not have enough left over to live on. The more you obey your conscience, the more your conscience will demand of you. And your natural self, which is thus being starved and hampered and worried at every turn, will get angrier and angrier. In the end, you will either give up trying to be good, or else become one of those people who, as they say, "live for others" but always in a discontented, grumbling way - always wondering why the others do not notice it more and always making a martyr of yourself. And once you have become that you will be a far greater pest to anyone who has to live with you than you would have been if you had remained frankly selfish...

The terrible thing, the almost impossible thing, is to hand over your whole self - all your wishes and precautions - to Christ. But it is far easier than what we are all trying to do instead. For what we are trying to do is to remain what we call "ourselves," to keep personal happiness as our great aim in life, and yet at the same time be "good." We are all trying to let our mind and heart go their own way - centered on money or pleasure or ambition - and hoping, in spite of this, to behave honestly and chastely and humbly. And that is exactly what Christ warned us you could not do. As He said, a thistle cannot produce figs. If I am a field that contains nothing but grass-seed, I cannot produce wheat. Cutting the grass may keep it short: but I shall still produce grass and no wheat. If I want to produce wheat, the change must go deeper than the surface. I must be ploughed up and re-sown...

That is why He warned people to "count the cost" before becoming Christians. "Make no mistake," He says, "if you let me, I will make you perfect. The moment you put yourself in My hands, that is what you are in for. Nothing less, or other, than that. You have free will, and if you choose, you can push Me away. But if you do not push Me away, understand that I am going to see this job through. Whatever suffering it may cost you in your earthly life, whatever inconceivable purification it may cost you after death, whatever it costs Me, I will never rest, nor let you rest, until you are literally perfect - until my Father can say without reservation that He is well pleased with you, as He said He was well pleased with me. This I can do and will do. Bit I will not do anything less"...

God is easy to please, but hard to satisfy...

He knows perfectly well that your own efforts are never going to bring you anywhere near perfection. On the other hand, you must realise from the outset that the goal towards which He is beginning to guide you is absolute perfection; and no power in the whole universe, except you yourself, can prevent Him from taking you to that goal. That is what you are in for. And it is very important to realise that. If we do not, then we are very likely to start pulling back and resistign Him after a certain point...

But all the time He knew His plan for us and was determined to carry it out. Something the same is now happening at a higher level. We may be content to remain what we call "ordinary people": but He is determined to carry out a quite different plan. To shrink back from that plan is not humility; it is laziness and cowardice. To submit to it is not conceit or megalomania, it is obedience...

That is why we must not be surprised if we are in for a rough time. When a man turns to Christ and seems to be getting on pretty well (in the sense that some of his bad habits are now corrected), he oftens feels that it would now be natural if things went fairly smoothly. When troubles come along - illnesses, money troubles, new kinds of temptation - he is disappointed. These things, he feels, might have been necessary to rouse him and make him repent in his bad old days; but why now? Because God is forcing him on, or up, to a higher level: putting him into situations where he will have to be very much braver, or more patient, or more loving, than he ever dreamed of being before. It seems to us all unnecessary: but that is because we have not yet had the slightest notion of the tremendous thing He means to make of us.

I find I must borrow yet another parable from George MacDonald. Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently he starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself...

The process will be long and in parts very painful; but that is what we are in for. Nothing less. He meant what He said...

He meant what he said. Those who put themselves in His hands will become perfect, as He is perfect - perfect in love, wisdom, joy, beauty, and immortality. The change will not be completed in this life, for death is an important part of the treatment. How far the change will have gone before death in any particular Christian is uncertain...

Now quite plainly, natural gifts carry with them a similar danger. If you have sound nerves and intelligence and health and popularity and a good upbringing, you are likely to be quite satisfied with your character as it is. "Why drag God into it?" you may ask. A certain level of good conduct comes fairly easily to you. You are not one of those wretched creatures who are always being tripped up by sex, or dipsomania, or nervousness, or bad temper. Everyone says you are a nice chap and (between ourselves) you agree with them. You are quite likely to believe that all this niceness is your own doing: and you may easily not feel the need for any better kind of goodness. Often people who have all these natural kinds of goodness cannot be brought to recognise their need for Christ at all until, one day, the natural goodness lets them down and their self-satisfaction is shattered. In other words, it is hard for those who are "rich" in this sense to enter the Kingdom...

There is either a warning or an encouragement here for every one of us. If you are a nice person - if virtue comes easily to you - beware! Much is expected from those to whom much is given. If you mistake for your own merits what are really God's gifts to you through nature, and if you are contented with simply being nice, you are still a rebel: and all those gifts will only make your fall more terrible, your corruption more complicated, your bad example more disastrous. The Devil was an archangel once; his natural gifts were as far above yours as yours are above those of a chimpanzee...

But there must be a real giving up of the self. You must throw it away "blindly" so to speak. Christ will indeed give you a real personality: but you must not go to Him for the sake of that. As long as your own personality is what you are bothering about you are not going to Him at all. The very first step is to try to forget about the self altogether. Your real, new self (which is Christ's and also yours, and yours just because it is His) will not come as long as you are looking for it. It will come when you are looking for Him. Does that sound strange? The same principle holds, you know, for more everyday matters. Even in social life, you will never make a good impression on other people until you stop thinking about what sort of impression you are making. Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it. The principle runs through all life from top to bottom. Give up yourself, and you will find your real self. Lose your life and you will save it. Submit to death, death of your ambitions and favourite wishes every day and dealth of your whole body in the end: submit with every fibre of your being, and you will find eternal life. Keep back nothing. Nothing that you have not given away will ever be really yours. Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised from the dead. Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in.

Many different things to think about here - mostly that none of this is easy and perhaps it's not supposed to be.

Christian Behavior

The third section of Mere Christianity is called "Christian Behavior". Here are the excerpts that I marked:

Does it not make a great difference whether I am, so to speak, the landlord of my own mind and body, or only a tenant, responsible to the real landlord? If somebody else made me, for his own purposes, then I shall have a lot of duties which I should not have if I simply belonged to myself...

He wants a child's heart, but a grown-up's head. He wants us to be simple, single-minded, affectionate, and teachable, as good children are; but He also wants every bit of intelligence we have to be alert to its job, and in first class fighting trim...

One of the marks of a certain type of bad man is that he cannot give up a thing himself without wanting every one else to give it up...

We might think that God wanted simply obedience to a set of rules: whereas He really wants people of a particular sort...

I may repeat "Do as you would be done by" till I am black in the face, but I cannot really carry it out till I love my neighbour as myself: and I cannot learn to love my neighbour as myself till I learn to love God: and I cannot learn to love God except by learning to obey Him...

God does not judge him on the raw material at all, but on what he has done with it...

People often think of Christian morality as a kind of bargain in which God says, "If you keep a lot of rules I'll reward you, and if you don't I'll do the other thing." I do not think that is the best way of looking at it. I would much rather say that every time you make a choice you are turning the central part of you, the part of you that chooses, into something a little different from what it was before. And taking your life as a whole, with all your innumerable choices, all your life long you are slowly turning this central thing either into a heavenly creature or into a hellish creature: either into a creature that is in harmony with God, and with other creatures, and with itself, or else into one that is in a state of war and hatred with God, and with its fellow-creatures, and with itself. To be the one kind of creature is heaven: that is, it is joy and peace and knowledge and power. To be the other means madness, horror, idiocy, rage, impotence, and eternal loneliness...

When a man is getting better, he understands more and more clearly the evil that is still left in him...

It cures our illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God. We learn, on the one hand, that we cannot trust ourselves even in our best moments, and, on the other, that we need not despair even in our worst, for our failures are forgiven. The only fatal thing is to sit down content with anything less than perfection...

Forgive us our sins as we forgive those that sin against us ... hate the sin but not the sinner ... That is what is meant in the Bible by loving him: wishing his good, not feeling fond of him nor saying he is nice when he is not...

The vice I am talking of is Pride or Self-Conceit: and the virtue opposite to it, in Christian morals, is called Humility. You may remember, when I was talking about sexual morality, I warned you that the centre of Christian morals did not lie there. Well, now, we have come to the centre. According to Christian teachers, the essential vice, the utmost evil, is Pride. Unchastity, anger, greed, drunkenness, and all that, are mere fleabites in comparison: it was through Pride that the devil became the devil: Pride leads to every other vice: it is the complete anti-God state of mind...

Pride is essentially competitive...

In God you come up against something which is in every respect immeasurably superior to yourself. Unless you know God as that - and, therefore, know yourself as nothing in comparison - you do not know God at all. As long as you are proud you cannot know God. A proud man is always looking down on things and people: and, of course, as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something that is above you.

That raises a terrible question. How is it that people who are quite obviously eaten up with Pride can say they believe in God and appear to themselves very religious? I am afraid it means they are worshipping an imaginary God. They theoretically admit themselves to be nothing in the presence of this phantom God, but are really all the time imagining how He approves of them and thinks them far better than ordinary people: that is, they pay a pennyworth of imaginary humility to Him and get out of it a pound's worth of Pride towards their fellow-men. I suppose it was of those people Christ was thinking when He said that some would preach about Him and cast out devils in His name, only to be told at the end of the world that He had never known them. And any of us may at any moment be in this death-trap. Luckily, we have a test. Whenever we find that our religious life is better than someone else - I think we may be sure that we are being acted on, not by God, but by the devil. The real test of being in the presence of God is that you either forget about yourself altogether or see yourself as a small, dirty object. It is better to forget about yourself altogether...

If anyone would like to acquire humility, I can, I think, tell him the first step. The first step is to realise that one is proud. And a biggish step, too. At least, nothing whatever can be done before it. If you think you are not conceited, it means you are very conceited indeed...

Charity means "Love, in the Christian sense." But love, in the Christian sense, does not mean an emotion. It is a state not of the feelings but of the will; that state of the will which we have naturally about ourselves, and must learn to have about other people.

I pointed out in the chapter on Forgiveness that our love for ourselves does not mean that we like ourselves. It means that we wish our own good. In the same way Christian Love (or Charity) for our neighbours is quite a different thing from liking or affection. We "like" or are "fond of" some people, and not of others. It is important to understand that this natural "liking" is neither a sin nor a virtue, any more than your likes and dislikes in food are a sin or a virtue. It is just a fact. But, of course, what we do about it is either sinful or virtuous...

Aim at Heaven and you will get earth "thrown in": aim at earth and you will get neither...

The Christian says, "Creatures are not born with desires unless satisfaction for those desires exists. A baby feels hunder: well, there is such a thing as food. A duckling wants to swim: well, there is such a thing as water. Men feel sexual desire: well, there is such a thing as sex. If I find in myself a desire which no experiene in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. If none of my earthly pleasures satisfy it, that does not prove that the universe is a fraud. Probably earthly pleasures were never meant to satisfy it, but only to arouse it, to suggest the real thing. If that is so, I must take care, on the one hand, never to despise, or be unthankful for, these earthly blessings, and on the other, never to mistake them for the something else of which they are only a kind of copy, or echo, or mirage. I must keep alive in myself the desire for my true country, which I shall not find till after death; I must never let it get snowed under or turned aside; I must make it the main object of life to press on to that other country and to help others to do the same"...

Now Faith, in the sense in which I am here using the word, is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted, in spite of your changing moods...

We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it; and Christ, because He was the only man who never yielded to temptation, is also the only man who knows to the full what temptation means - the only complete realist...

Whenever you find any statement in Christian writings which you can make nothing of, do not worry. Leave it alone. There will come a day, perhaps years later, when you suddenly see what it meant. If one could understand it now, it would only do one harm...

It is the change from being confident about our own efforts to the state in which we despair of doing anything for ourselves and leave it to God.

I know the words "leave it to God" can be misunderstood, but they must stay for the moment. The sense in which a Christian leaves it to God is that he puts all his trust in Christ; trusts that Christ will somehow share with him the perfect human obedience which He carried out from His birth to His cruxifixion; that Christ will make the man more like Himself and, in a sense, make good his deficiencies ... If you like to put it that way, Christ offers something for nothing: He even offers everything for nothing. In a sense, the whole Christian life consists in accepting that very remarkable offer. But the difficulty is to reach the point of recognising that all we have done and can do is nothing. What we should have like would be for God to count our good points and ignore our bad ones. Again, in a sense, you may say that no temptation is ever overcome until we stop trying to overcome it - throw up the sponge. But then you could not "stop trying" in the right way and for the right reason until you had tried your very hardest. And, in yet another sense, handing everything over to Christ does not, of course, mean that you stop trying. To trust Him means, of course, trying to do all that He says. There would be no sense in saying you trusted a person if you would not take his advice. Thus if you have really handed yourself over to Him, it would follow that you are trying to obey Him. But trying in a new way, a less worried way. Not doing these things in order to be saved, but because He has begun to save you already. Not hoping to get to Heaven as a reward for your actions, but inevitably wanting to act in a certain way because a first faint gleam of Heaven is already inside you...

"For it is God who worketh in you" - which looks as if God did everything and we nothing.

Out of all of this, the most relevant portion pertains to pride. In a spiritual sense, that's what I struggle with the most (see this post).

What Christians Believe

This is the second section of Mere Christianity. I've already posted one excerpt from this section (see post). Here are others that I marked:

If a good God made the world why has it gone wrong? And for many years I simply refused to listen to the Christian answers to this question, because I kept on feeling "whatever you say, and however clever your arguments are, isn't it much simpler and easier to say that the world was not made by any intelligent power? Aren't all your arguments simply a complicated attempt to avoid the obvious?" But then that threw me back into another difficulty.

My arugment against God was that the universe seemed so cruel and unjust. But how had I got this idea of just and unjust? A man does not call a line crooked unless he has some idea of a straight line. What was I comparing this universe with when I called it unjust? If the whole show was bad and senseless from A to Z, so to speak, why did I, who was supposed to be part of the show, find myself in such violent reaction against it? A man feels wet when he falls into water, because man is not a water animal: a fish would not feel wet. Of course I could have given up my idea of justice saying it was nothing but a private idea of my own. But if I did that, then my argument against God collapsed too - for the argument depended on saying that the world was really unjust, not simply that it did not happen to please my private fancies. Thus in the very act of trying to prove that God did not exist - in other words, that the whole of reality was senseless - I found I was forced to assume that one part of reality - namely my idea of justice - was full of sense. Consequently atheism turns out to be too simple. If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning: just as, if there were no light in the universe and therefore no creatures with eyes, we should never know it was dark. Dark would be without meaning...

To be bad, [the Bad Power] must exist and have intelligence and will. But existence, intelligence and will are in themselves good. Therefore he must be getting them from the Good Power: even to be bad he must borrow or steal from his opponent. And do you now begin to see why Christianity has always said that the devil is a fallen angel? That is not a mere story for the children. It is a real recognition of the fact that evil is a parasite, not an original thing. The powers which enable evil to carry on are powers given it by goodness. All the things which enable a bad man to be effectively bad are in themselves good things - resolution, cleverness, good looks, existence itself. That is why Dualism, in a strict sense, will not work...

Enemy-occupied territory - that is what this world is...

What Satan put into the heads of our remote ancestors was the idea that they could "be like gods" - could set up on their own as if they had created themselves - be their own masters - invent some sort of happiness for themselves outside of God, apart from God. And out of that hopeless attempt has come nearly all that we call human history - money, poverty, ambition, war, prostitution, classes, empires, slavery - the long terrible story of man trying to find something other than God which will make him happy...

The central Christian belief is that Christ's death has somehow put us right with God and given us a fresh start. Theories as to how it did this are another matter...

Now repentence is no fun at all. It is something much harder than merely eating humble pie. It means unlearning all the self-conceit and self-will that we have been training ourselves into for thousands of years. It means killing part of yourself, undergoing a kind of death. In fact, it needs a good man to repent. And here comes the catch. Only a bad person needs to repent: only a good person can repent perfectly. The worse you are the more you need it and less you can do it. The only person who could do it perfectly would be a perfect person - and he would not need it...

But though I cannot see why it should be so, I can tell you why I believe it is so. I have explained why I have to believe that Jesus was (and is) God. And it seems plain as a matter of history that He taught His followers that the new life was communicated in this way. In other words, I believe it on His authority. Do not be scared by the word authority. Believing things on authority only means believing them because you have been told them by someone you think trustworthy. Ninety-nine percent of the things you believe are believed on authority. I believe there is such a place as New York. I have not seen it myself. I could not prove by abstract reasoning that there must be such a place. I believe it because reliable people have told me so. The ordinary man believes in the Solar System, atoms, evolution, and the circulation of blood on authority - because the scientists say so. Every historical statement in the world is believed on authority. None of us has seen the Norman Conquest or the defeat of the Armada. None of us could prove them by pure logic as you prove a thing in mathematics. We believe them simply because people who did see them have left writings that tell us about them: in fact, on authority. A man who jibbed at authority in other things as some people do in religion would have to be content to know nothing all his life.

This last point about authority is an important one. With many aspects of religion, I've historically taken the position that I won't believe them unless I can independently verify their truth. But I don't take that approach in so many aspects of my life. That's not to say that I don't ask questions or maintain a healthly level of skepticism, but I'm also willing to take a lot of information at face value based on other people's authority in the matter. Recently, I've tried to shift my headset from "I don't believe it until something causes me to believe" to "I believe it until something causes me not to believe". So there are many aspects of the LDS faith, for example, that I don't have a strong testimony of but I'm willing to believe the time-being (until and unless I find some reason not to believe).

Right and Wrong as a Clue to the Meaning of the Universe

During a trip to Brazil about a month ago, I had the opportunity to read Mere Christianity all the way through. As I mentioned in my previous post (and a couple others), C.S. Lewis is certainly a persuasive salesman for God and specifically Christianity. The first section of his book is entitled "Right and Wrong as a Clue to the Meaning of the Universe". Here are some excerpts that I marked while reading:

These, then, are the two points I wanted to make. First, that human beings, all over the earth, have this curious idea that they ought to behave in a certain way, and cannot really get rid of it. Secondly, that they do not in fact behave in that way. They know the Law of Nature; they break it. These two facts are the foundation of all clear thinking about ourselves and the universe we live in...

Now this thing that judges between two instincts, that decides which should be encouraged, cannot itself be either of them...

The moment you say that one set of moral ideas can be better than another, you are, in fact, measuring them both by a standard, saying that one of them conforms to that standard more nearly than the other. But the standard that measures two things is something different from either. You are, in fact, comparing them both with some Real Morality, admitting that there is such a thing as a real Right, independent of what people think, and that some people's ideas get nearer to that real Right than others...

You have the facts (how men do behave) and you also have something else (how they ought to behave). In the rest of the universe there need not be anything but the facts...

Let us sum up what we have reached so far. In the case of stones or trees or things of that sort, what we call the Laws of Nature may not be anything except a way of speaking. When you say that nature is governed by certain laws, this may only mean that nature does, in fact, behave in a certain way. The so-called laws may not be anything real - anything above and beyond the actual facts which we observe. But in the case of Man, we saw that this will not do. The Law of Human Nature, or Right and Wrong, must be something above and beyond the actual facts of human behaviour. In this case, besides the actual facts, you have something else - a real law which we did not invent and which we know we ought to obey...

Anyone studying Man from the outside as we study electricity or cabbages, not knowing our language and consequently not able to get any inside knowledge from us, but merely observing what we did, would never get the slightest evidence that we had this moral law. How could he? For his observations would only show what we did, and the moral law is about what we ought to do. In this same way, if there were anything above or behind the observed facts in the case of stones or weather, we, by studying them from outside, could never hope to discover it...

If there was a controlling power outside the universe, it could not show itself to us as one of the facts inside the universe - no more than the architect of a house could actually be a wall or staircase or fireplace in that house. The only way in which we could expect it to show itself would be inside ourselves as an influence or a command trying to get us to behave in a certain way. And that is just what we do find inside ourselves. Surely this ought to arouse our suspicions...

Do not think I am going faster than I really am. I am not yet within a hundred miles of the God of Christian theology. All I have got to is a Something which is directing the universe, and which appears in me as a law urging me to do right and making me feel responsible and uncomfortable when I do wrong...

When I chose to get to my real subject in this roundabout way, I was not trying to play any kind of trick on you. I had a different reason. My reason was that Christianity simply does not make sense until you have faced the sorts of facts I have been describing. Christianity tells people to repent and promises them forgiveness. It therefore has nothing (as far as I know) to say to people who do not know they have done anything to repent of and who do not feel that they need any forgiveness. It is after you have realised that there is a real Moral Law, and a Power behind that law, and that you have broken the law and put yourself wrong with that Power - it is after all this, and not a moment sooner, that Christianity begins to talk. When you know you are sick, you will listen to the doctor. When you have realised that our position is nearly desperate you will begin to understand what the Christians are talking about. They offer an explanation of how we got into our present state of both hating goodness and loving it. They offer an explanation of how God can be this impersonal mind at the back of the Moral Law and yet also a Person. They tell you how the demands of this law, which you and I cannot meet, have been met on our behalf, how God himself becomes a man to save man from the disapproval of God. It is an old story and if you want to go into it you will not doubt consult people who have more authority to talk about it than I have. All I am doing is to ask people to face the facts - to understand the questions which Christianity claims to answer. And they are very terrifying facts. I wish it was possible to say something more agreeable. But I must say what I think is true. Of course, I quite agree that the Christian religion is, in the long run, a thing of unspeakable comfort. But it does not begin in comfort; it begins in the dismay I have been describing, and it is no use at all trying to go on to that comfort without first going through the dismay. In religion, as in war and everything else, comfort is the one thing you cannot get by looking for it. If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end: If you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth - only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin with and, in the end, dispair.

I found the discussion of Right and Wrong as an objective standard quite interesting and useful. Not sure if I'm really doing it justice here but would encourage anyone with some time on their hands to read the entire book - or at least the first 40 pages.