The Law of Chastity

I taught a Sunday School class today on the Law of Chastity (also see here). For those of you not familiar with this topic, here is a quick refresher. Chastity is sexual purity. Those who are chaste are morally clean in their thoughts, words, and actions. Chastity means not having any sexual relations before marriage (see 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 and 1 Thessalonians 4:3, for example). It also means complete fidelity to husband or wife during marriage (see Exodus 20:14). This includes keeping our thoughts clean (see Matthew 5:27-28).

This can be a bit of an awkward topic - especially at church. Things got off to a slow start but the discussion ended up being pretty good. I incorporated some of the recent research I did on divorce rates (see prior post) in the context of chastity before marriage. I have to admit that my opinions on that topic have changed a lot over the last year. I also asked people to think about a statement by Alma (a Book of Mormon prophet) that sexual sins are more serious than any other sins except murder and denying the Holy Ghost (see Alma 39:3-5). After marriage, I could see how this could be true. I haven't fully reconciled that severity for myself in the context of premarital relations. As with other sins, though, sexual sins can be forgiven through the Atonement of Christ.

I have a really strong testimony of the Law of Chastity - especially in the context of marriage - and I pray that the Lord will continue to help me keep it in my marriage (especially as it pertains to inappropriate thoughts).

Divorce rate

A co-worker and I were discussing marriage the other day and I wondered out loud why the divorce rate is as high as it is in the United States. I had heard that the divorce rate is around 50% but never looked into why. The other night, I did a couple of Google searches on the topic and turned up some interesting information. On this site, I found out that 50% of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce, according to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri. According to enrichment journal on the divorce rate in America, the divorce rate in America for first marriage is 41%, 60% second marriages, and 73% for third marriages. In 2005, the National Fatherhood Initiative performed a national survey on marriage in America (see report). It's a long report but some of the more notable findings from my perspective were that the three leading causes of divorce were: “lack of commitment” of one or both spouses, “too much conflict and arguing”and “infidelity.” Other frequently cited reasons were “married too young,” “unrealistic expectations,”“lack of preparation,” and“inequality.”

Two questions on the survey asked ever-divorced respondents (a) if they wished that they, themselves, had worked harder to save the marriage, and (b) if they wished their ex-spouse had done so. Only about a third of the respondents answered no to both questions, and 62 percent of both the ex-husbands and the ex-wives answered yes to the question about their ex-spouse’s efforts. Neither this finding nor the fact that “lack of commitment” was the most frequently chosen reason for the respondents’ divorces is consistent with the claim made by some commentators on American marriage that most divorces occur only after the spouses have done their best to make the marriage work.

Another unexpected finding from the survey related to cohabitation.

During the past several years, a majority of American couples who married were living with one another before they married, and the belief that it is a good idea to live with someone before deciding to marry that person has become widespread. The reasoning is that if couples test their compatibility by living together before they marry, many bad marriages will be prevented. It is indeed likely that a good many couples have decided not to marry after discovering that they do not get along well in a cohabiting relationship. Nevertheless, numerous recent studies have shown that couples who live together before marriage are more likely to divorce than those who do not cohabit premaritally. The NFIMS findings shown in Figure 13 add to the findings that premarital cohabitation is not associated with marital success, though the marriages of those who live together only after they have decided to marry apparently turn out better on the average than the marriages of couples who decide to marry while they are cohabiting. There is agreement among researchers who have studied this topic that the marriages of persons who live together before marriage turn out poorly on the average partly because of the kinds of persons who cohabit. These persons tend to be nontraditional in their attitudes, and nontraditional attitudes are not conducive to marital success. It is also possible that the cohabitation itself has negative effects on marriage. For instance, a casual decision to live with someone may start a process that ends with marriage to that person, even though more suitable partners are available. That is, cohabitation may often be a form of “premature entanglement,” which limits the person’s ability to circulate “on the marriage market” to test his or her desirability on the market and to find a highly suitable partner.

In Figure 13 (referenced above), we find out that couples that did not cohabit prior to marriage are 2x more likely to have marital success than those who did cohabit before getting engaged and about 1.5x more likely than those who decided to cohabit after getting engaged.

There was lots of good information available on divorcereform.org (although the site doesn't appear to be functional at the moment). Some of the things I remember seeing there was data that indicated that people who get married young (in their teens or early twenties) have the highest divorce rate. There was a "peak marriage period" from 23 to 28 years old (give or take a year) where marriages were the most successful. And then divorce rate went back up for marriages after 30 years old. There was a strong link between divorce rates going up overall and the introduction of "no fault divorces" about 25 years ago (perhaps this anti-Prop 8 video is onto something - even though the true intent of the video is satire of those favoring traditional marriage). And there was a LA Times article from around 2000 that said that the divorce rate for those who get married in LDS temples is about 6% whereas LDS marriages outside the temple experience the same divorce rate as the general population.

I'm sure I've only scratched the surface of this topic but some interesting findings to consider.

India videos

Over the last couple of days, I've watched 9 hours of video related to India - three movies and one travel guide. The movies were Pinjar (3 hours), The Namesake (2 hours), and Gandhi (3 hours) and the travel guide was by GlobeTrekker (the 1 hour portion on West India). All of this is in preparation for my trip to Kolkata in January with my father. I've been trying to get a better feel for India as a country and the specific events that influenced who my father is today. Pinjar and Gandhi were particularly helpful in terms of understanding the Partition of India and the ensuing violence and family dislocations. It's one thing to think about that time conceptually but it's another thing to see some of those events visually depicted and think about what it must have been like to live through that period of time. The Namesake was helpful to understand the challenges that first- and second-generation Indian families face here in the United States - in terms of culture clash and other issues. I don't think I was ever sensitive enough to this topic - since I didn't spend much time trying to really understand it. And the travel guide was helpful to see Kolkata in action and get a glimpse of what I will see and experience there.

The catch-phrase for The Namesake is "the greatest journeys are the ones that bring you home". I suspect that will be true about this trip in January.

LIFE photo archive

I love old photos.  So I think it's super-cool that there is now a LIFE photo archive hosted by Google.  Take a look around.  There are lots of neat photos posted there.

I'm Watching You Dad

I watched this video last night and thought it was a good reminder that my everyday actions are setting an example for my two boys - whether positive or negative.

I also received this "Family Gem" this morning via email entitled "Brethren Should Maintain Priorities":

As I meet with priesthood leaders, I often ask about the priorities of their various responsibilities. Usually they mention their important Church duties to which they have been called. Too few remember their responsibilities at home. Yet priesthood offices, keys, callings, and quorums are meant to exalt families (see D&C 23:3). Priesthood authority has been restored so that families can be sealed eternally. So brethren, your foremost priesthood duty is to nurture your marriage—to care for, respect, honor, and love your wife. Be a blessing to her and your children.

Hopefully I'm doing an ok job of balancing everything and setting a reasonable example for my kids.  I feel I could do a better job as a role model for exercise, prayer, and scripture study.

Not fumbling the football

I was talking with a friend of mine tonight and he made this analogy that I thought was really useful. He pointed out that being the most talented person on the field doesn't do you any good if you fumble the football. He was talking about this in the context of making good choices in our lives. We might be incredibly talented or have other gifts but they won't do us any good if we make bad choices in our lives - especially if we make the same bad choices over and over again. For him, so much of success in life is simply holding onto the ball. That might seem obvious but I thought it was pretty profound.

Safe, respected, and loved

We've been a little hit-or-miss with having weekly family meetings but we're trying to keep up the habit.  At our family meeting last night, one of the topics I wanted to discussed is how members of our family can feel safe, respected, and loved.  Here's what resulted from the discussion (see PDF).  I'm always surprised at the insightful things that the kids come up with on their own.

A Fine Balance

I recently read a book called A Fine Balance by Rohinton Mistry. It is a masterfully written fiction book about India between 1975 and 1984. My mother suggested that I read it since I'll be visiting India in January with my father to see family there. The book certainly gave me a much better feel - at a very personal level - of the struggles that so many went through in that country (and still go through today). Right before the table of contents, the author includes this quote from Honore de Balzac in Le Pere Goriot: "Holding this book in your hand, sinking back in your soft armchair, you will say to yourself: perhaps it will amuse me. And after you read this story of great misfortunes, you will no doubt dine well, blaming the author for your own insensitivity, accusing him of wild exaggeration and flights of fancy. But rest assured: this tragedy is not a fiction. All is true." I can't think of a better summary for this book. Reading this book reminded me of how many blessings I have in my life that I so often take for granted - a place to live, food to eat, freedom, a loving family, and hope for my children's future (to name a few). The book also made me realize how little I probably know about my father and what it must have been like for him to grow up under challenging circumstances in India.

As an aside, I had thinking that I should try to read some books in preparation for my trip to India but I couldn't decide what to read. The very day I was thinking about this, A Fine Balance arrived in the mail from my mom. It's hard for me to believe that's simply a coincidence - and I am very grateful for so many keeping a watchful eye over me.

Special time

The last couple of months, they boys have been competing for attention more and more.  JD is quite forward and demanding in terms of attracting attention.  AJ has, in some situations, resorted to attracting negative attention - at least unconsciously assuming that negative attention is still better than no attention.  In response to all of this, my wife and I decided to devote Saturday's to dedicated, one-on-one time with kids.  Each Saturday, we alternate which parent is with which kid and that kid gets undivided attention (without having to compete for it).  So far, it seems to be working quite well - especially for AJ.

Here's a quick summary of what I've done with the boys the first four Saturdays.

Week #1: AJ

AJ and I went to the Oakland Zoo and saw animals and went on some rides.  We stopped by the visitor's center at the Oakland Temple and then we got lunch.  We went to Tilden Park after that and rode the train, went to a playground, went to the Nature Center, gathered some leaves, went to the Little Farm, rode a carousel, and got ice cream.

Week #2: JD

JD and I helped with a clean-up at the church building.  We went to Target and bought some Pokemon cards.  We came home, cleaned out the Altima (which had needed a good cleaning for awhile), had some lunch, and learned how to play Pokemon.  Then we went to JD's soccer game.  Afterwards, JD and I went on a two and a half hour bike ride to Shoreline Park and back - including a stop at 7-Eleven on the way home to buy Gatorade.  Since JD hadn't had enough physical activity that day, we wrapped up by playing more sports at his school until it got dark.

Week #3: AJ

AJ and I went up to Pier 39 in San Francisco.  We went to the Aquarium of the Bay - which has some cool exhibits.  We saw the sea lions and got some lunch.  We also bought some ballons at the magic store and some cookies at Mrs. Fields.  We were planning to spend the whole day up in San Francisco but it was raining pretty hard so we headed home.  The ballons we got included some instructions on how to make dogs, swords, and other ballon animals.  It took a little practice but I was able to figure out how to make dogs pretty well.  So we ended up making 8 of them - four for our family and four for another family.  Then we rented the movie "Thomas and Friends: The Great Discovery", popped some popcorn, and watched the movie together.  Afterwards, we took one of the balloon families over to one of AJ's friends along with two of the cookies.

Week #4: JD

JD and I practiced soccer at his school and played 2006 FIFA World Cup on the Playstation 2. It was JD's first time playing home video games. We went to his soccer game (and his Uncle DE and cousin SE came along).  Then we started playing Pokemon, went to lunch at California Pizza Kitchen, and came home to finish our Pokemon game (which JD won since he stacked the deck in his favor). JD used the computer for a bit while I (unfortunately) took care of something for work. Then we went to Sky High Sports - and had dinner at Jack in the Box while we were out.

If you have suggestions on cool things for me or my wife to do with the kids, please let me know.

Randy Pausch Last Lecture

My brother-in-law DE pointed me to this video awhile ago but I just watched it tonight. The CMU professor giving this final lecture has since passed away but imparted some wisdom to a packed house. He also subsequently wrote a book.



The video wasn't what I was expecting - and was a bit slow at times - but I still think it was a good use of time to watch. I especially like the end.

Yes we can

I'm not usually into politics.  I vote in every election and research the issues.  I strongly believe that's my responsibility and duty as part of living in a democratic society.  But I usually don't get too fired up one way or the other based on the outcomes.  This election was a little different - especially near the end.  I'm hopeful that President-Elect Barack Obama can get this country back on track and do it in a way that restores the United States as a beacon of hope for so many people in the world who don't enjoy the same freedoms and opportunities we do.

I thought President-Elect Obama gave a masterful victory speech last night in Chicago.  If you haven't seen it, it is contained here:

I believe that America can do many great things in the coming years and decades and stand ready to do my part to make that happen.

What’s So Great about Christianity?

I listened to a really great audio recording the other day by Dinesh D'Souza. It was linked off of this page on the ExploreFaith.org site. In this talk delivered at Fixed Point Foundation’s Latimer House in Birmingham, Alabama, What’s So Great about Christianity author D’Souza zeros in on what he feels to be the new atheism's strongest arguments against Christianity.

Countering each is D’Souza’s way of clearing aside some of the obstacles that prevent our “having an experience of Christianity, an experience of God.” He offers a “bullet-proof vest” for Christians to answer the charges leveled by those who view religion as evil, imagined and unnecessary by making claims such as:

• God is inconsequential;
• Virtuous living can be practiced by atheists just as readily as by people of faith;
• Science and religion are at odds;
• Religion has caused or been complicit in the great crimes of history.

He then focuses on the motives of the new atheists, what compels the vigor and vehemence of their attacks. For D’Souza the more we know about faith, science and history, the easier it is for us to see the holes in arguments espoused by religion’s detractors.

The talk is about 45 minutes and I found it to be really interesting and valuable. D'Souza lays out his arguments in a very clear and reasonable way. If you're a Christian, it's well worth the time to listen to this talk.

Christ’s Ideals for Living

A person at church sent this around via email.

This is from the 1954 Sunday School manual "Christ’s Ideals for Living". The author was O. C. Tanner. He taught philosophy at the University of Utah, and his autobiography, One Man’s Search for Freedom, tells that President David McKay asked him to write a manual for Sunday School use. Tanner replied he was too liberal-minded to pass the reading committee of General Authorities. President McKay said, “We’ll change the committee” and placed liberal apostle Adam Bennion in charge. The manual passed just fine and was used throughout the 50s and 60s as the Sunday School text, known as Christ’s Ideals for Living.

Quote from SS manual:
Young people sometimes doubt the truth of the Gospel or some part of it, and feeling the worthy desire to be sincere, they cease to be active in the Church. The answer to them is to be sincere always. One must never violate one’s integrity, whatever it may cost. But must one believe all or nothing? Must one cut off Church participation-the great source of righteousness in one’s life and in the community, because there is some doctrine doubted or disbelieved? Rather, is it not wisdom to begin, not with doubts and faults, but with the simple truths and virtues one can believe, then move on from there to others? Surely no one would claim to know all the Gospel. Great truths are always just around the corner for those who seek. Jesus told us to knock, seek, and ask, not just once, but continuously. One step at a time applies to progress in the Gospel as it does to education or any worthwhile achievement. One is not a hypocrite if he has honest questions and is active in the Church at the same time. The leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints would offer this suggestion:

Start where you are. What do you believe? Start with that and take it as far as you can down life’s highway. Another truth will meet you at nearly every bend in the road. God has never intended that an honest mind should be humiliated or made unwelcome in the Church by any other member because of honest inquiry. Above all, keep the virtues of integrity, sincerity, and genuineness. Nothing else can be right in a man’s life if he is not sincere.

Gospel-sharing messages

Each month, as part of my responsibility as a ward missionary (at church), I've been sending out short emails to people in the ward (congregation) with suggestions on how to share information about the LDS Church with others. In case others are interested, I've created an archive and will update it each month. As part of writing each message, I have prayed that Heavenly Father would help me to know what would be most useful to people and how best to convey that message. I have felt his support and guidance with these messages so if you find them helpful, it is thanks to Him, not me. As an aside, the same thing goes for the Sunday School class I taught today on obedience. I wasn't prepared for the lesson but, thanks to an answered prayer, the class went well. I am very grateful for the support.

Steve Jobs at NeXT

This is a really good video of Steve Jobs doing a "chalk talk" while he was at NeXT. The clarity and simplicity of the message is great. I'm continuing to try to improve with presentations and other communications to convey complicated information in a way that people can readily understand it. This is a good example.

Our Tax System Explained: Bar Stool Economics

A co-worker of mine forwarded this "essay" to me by David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D., Professor of Economics at the University of Georgia.

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

• The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
• The fifth would pay $1.
• The sixth would pay $3.
• The seventh would pay $7.
• The eighth would pay $12.
• The ninth would pay $18.
• The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. 'Since you are all such good customers,' he said, 'I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20.' Drinks for the ten now cost just $80. The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?' They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay. And so:

• The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
• The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
• The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
• The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
• The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
• The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings. 'I only got a dollar out of the $20,'declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,' but he got $10!' 'Yeah, that's right,' exclaimed the fifth man. 'I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I got' 'That's true!!' shouted the seventh man. 'Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!' 'Wait a minute,' yelled the first four men in unison. 'We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!' The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill! And that, ladies and gentlemen, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy,and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

I'm not sure that I totally agree with the conclusions but it's an interesting perspective and certainly one way of discussing this topic that made some intuitive sense to me.

Serving Others

My son AJ was asked to give a talk today in Primary (the group of 4 to 12 year olds at church). I ended up serving as his speechwriter but he did a great job today saying it for the other kids. He's what he had to say:

I was asked to talk about how I can serve Heavenly Father by serving others. Serving others means that we help them feel better when they are hurt. We can help them solve a problem or we can do something nice for them. Sometimes when people pray for help, their prayers are answered by something we do for them. In 1 Nephi 16:29, it says that “by small means the Lord can bring about great things”. And, in Mosiah 2:17, it says “when [you] are in the service of your fellow beings [you] are only in the service of your God”. It feels good to do nice things for other people and it makes our Heavenly Father happy too.

A little while ago, JH’s family was moving. I carried some of their boxes down the stairs to their moving truck. It was fun to spend time with mey dad and my brother and they said “thank you” for helping them move. Sometimes my Aunt BE needs to go to an appointment so my mom and I take care of my cousin SE. He’s still a baby. Sometimes SE cries but we are able to make him feel better. I share my toys with him. It feels nice to take care of other people.

Yesterday, me and my dad went to the Oakland temple. While we were there, one of the sister missionaries gave me this cool keychain. It can change colors. When you put it in the sun, it turns blue. She said that people can change too. Some people don’t know that Heavenly Father and Jesus love them. If you do something nice for them, maybe they’ll change and want to learn more about Jesus. Or maybe they’ll do something nice for someone else. That would be really cool.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

There are plenty of people who need each of our help. It is my sincere hope and prayer that we'll serve them.

AIG humor

Speaking to the Institute of International Finance, AIG Vice Chairman Jacob Frenkel said: "The left side of the balance sheet has nothing right and the right side of the balance sheet has nothing left. But they are equal to each other. So accounting-wise we are fine." At least there's a silver-lining in all this. =)

Noah's Ark Replica

I wrote about Noah's Ark more than two years ago (see prior post).  Just the other day, though, my mother-in-law pointed me to a story about a massive replica of Noah's Ark that was created in the Netherlands by devout Christian Johan Huibers.  Life-size models of giraffes, elephants, lions, crocodiles, zebras, bison and other animals greet visitors inside the ark.  Huibers' fully functional ark is two-thirds the length of a football field and as high as a three-storey house.  But the original ark featured in the Bible was described as five times larger than Johan's Ark.  Huibers said his venture came after he dreamt of the Netherlands being flooded.  "In February 1992, I had a dream that Holland will become flooded. The next day, I found a book about Noah's Ark in the local bookshop, and since then, my dream has been to build the ark," he said.  Huibers said he hoped the project would renew interest in Christianity in the Netherlands, where churchgoing has fallen dramatically in the past 50 years.  "I would really like to inspire people to search for God and to begin to read the Bible," he said.

I hope that my family gets to see this Ark at some point in our lives.  I think it would be a neat experience.

Why men cheat

I read an interesting article today about why men cheat on their wives.  It contradicts a lot of the conventional wisdom on the topic (i.e., that cheating is all about sex with a prettier woman).  Marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman just published a book on this subject called "The Truth About Cheating".  In the book, Gary says that ninety-two percent of men said it wasn't primarily about the sex.  "The majority said it was an emotional disconnection, specifically a sense of feeling underappreciated. A lack of thoughtful gestures," Gary says. "Men are very emotional beings. They just don't look like that. Or they don't seem like that. Or they don't tell you that."  Gary also found that 88 percent of the men surveyed said the other women were no better looking or in no better shape than their own wives.   Here's one additional excerpt from the article:

Josh says he cheated on his wife, Jennifer, because he felt underappreciated at home and started feeling insecure. "That insecurity was really the catalyst," he says. "I didn't feel comfortable going to the one person in the world I should be going to, which is my wife." With daily worries like bills, children and chores, Gary says it's easy for couples to drift away from appreciating one another like they should. Gary says the other woman often makes the man feel better about himself. "[She] makes them feel different. Makes them feel appreciated, admired," he says. "Men look strong, look powerful and capable. But on the inside, they're insecure like everybody else. They're searching and looking for somebody to build them up to make them feel valued." ... Don't be afraid to praise your partner or tell him that you appreciate what he does, Gary says. "We get married because we want one person in the world to really think we're wonderful for doing all the things that we do. We all want the same thing," he says. "And the more we give it, the more we get it in return."

Anyway, very interesting stuff.