A friend of mine posted this link on Facebook. I found it very meaningful so I am including it here on my blog for future reference. In case the page is taken down at some point, I am also copying the text in this page:
Top 5 Regrets People Make on their Deathbed
By Bronnie Ware (who worked for years nursing the dying)
For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.
People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly,in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved.Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip.But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks,love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have sillyness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again,long before you are dying.
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originally posted at http://www.inspirationandchai.com/Regrets-of-the-Dying.html
Showing posts with label balance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label balance. Show all posts
Sunday, June 05, 2011
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Don't be in a hurry
When I was reading through the June 2010 issue of the Ensign, I was struck by an article called "Don't Be In A Hurry". Here are some relevant excerpts:
The year 1845 was a busy one for Latter-day Saints in Nauvoo, Illinois. Still mourning the violent death of the Prophet Joseph Smith, the Saints continued their efforts to complete the Nauvoo Temple, spread the gospel, and gather believers even as conflict with critics and dissenters hastened plans for an exodus to the West. On a Sunday in August 1845, Brigham Young (1801–77) paused from the demands of leadership to record a dream he’d had the previous night. “I dreamed … I saw Brother Joseph Smith,” he wrote, “and as I was going about my business, he said, ‘Brother Brigham, don’t be in a hurry.’” President Young said Joseph repeated the counsel twice more with “a degree of sharpness”: Brother Brigham, don’t be in a hurry. Brother Brigham, don’t be in a hurry...
Missionaries honor Nephi’s injunction every morning, consecrating their day to the Lord in prayer and study. What about the rest of us? Decades after that dream of Joseph, Brigham Young asked a congregation in Utah if they had prayed that morning as families. Observing that many had not, he proposed an all-too-familiar reason: “I was in too much of a hurry.” Then President Young gave us wise counsel. “Stop! Wait!” he pleaded, “When you get up in the morning, before you suffer yourselves to eat one mouthful of food, … bow down before the Lord, ask Him to forgive your sins, and protect you through the day, to preserve you from temptation and all evil, to guide your steps aright, that you may do something that day that shall be beneficial to the kingdom of God on the earth.” That counsel will bless our lives as it reminds us each morning to kneel in prayer before we tackle the tasks ahead...
Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin (1917–2008) of the Quorum of the Twelve observed how easily we fill our lives with “appointments, meetings, and tasks” and then act frightened at the prospect of some quiet time. Why would that be? He feared that we might “feel that the busier we are, the more important we are—as though our busyness defines our worth.” On another occasion, he reminded us that “being busy is not necessarily being spiritual”—for in fact, noise and busyness can actually crowd out the still, small voice of the Spirit.
President Gordon B. Hinckley (1910–2008) prescribed a remedy for this fever of busyness: meditation, or pondering, or introspection. President Hinckley recalled that his father “never ceased growing” because he made time for “thinking, meditating, [and] pondering.” You may have to turn off your TV, computer, cell phone, or MP3 player, but it’s worth it. As Sister Bonnie D. Parkin, former Relief Society general president, put it: “Take time to slow down and ponder so that you can feel the Lord’s love for you...”
“There seems to be little evidence,” Elder Richard L. Evans (1906–71) of the Quorum of the Twelve once said, “that the Creator of the universe was ever in a hurry. Everywhere, on this bounteous and beautiful earth … there is evidence of patient purpose and planning and working and waiting...”
Perhaps all this was summarized in eight words by the Psalmist long ago: “Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10).
In general, I'm in far too much of a hurry on a daily basis. I'm also in too much of a hurry to accomplish things that simply need time and patience to accomplish.
The year 1845 was a busy one for Latter-day Saints in Nauvoo, Illinois. Still mourning the violent death of the Prophet Joseph Smith, the Saints continued their efforts to complete the Nauvoo Temple, spread the gospel, and gather believers even as conflict with critics and dissenters hastened plans for an exodus to the West. On a Sunday in August 1845, Brigham Young (1801–77) paused from the demands of leadership to record a dream he’d had the previous night. “I dreamed … I saw Brother Joseph Smith,” he wrote, “and as I was going about my business, he said, ‘Brother Brigham, don’t be in a hurry.’” President Young said Joseph repeated the counsel twice more with “a degree of sharpness”: Brother Brigham, don’t be in a hurry. Brother Brigham, don’t be in a hurry...
Missionaries honor Nephi’s injunction every morning, consecrating their day to the Lord in prayer and study. What about the rest of us? Decades after that dream of Joseph, Brigham Young asked a congregation in Utah if they had prayed that morning as families. Observing that many had not, he proposed an all-too-familiar reason: “I was in too much of a hurry.” Then President Young gave us wise counsel. “Stop! Wait!” he pleaded, “When you get up in the morning, before you suffer yourselves to eat one mouthful of food, … bow down before the Lord, ask Him to forgive your sins, and protect you through the day, to preserve you from temptation and all evil, to guide your steps aright, that you may do something that day that shall be beneficial to the kingdom of God on the earth.” That counsel will bless our lives as it reminds us each morning to kneel in prayer before we tackle the tasks ahead...
Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin (1917–2008) of the Quorum of the Twelve observed how easily we fill our lives with “appointments, meetings, and tasks” and then act frightened at the prospect of some quiet time. Why would that be? He feared that we might “feel that the busier we are, the more important we are—as though our busyness defines our worth.” On another occasion, he reminded us that “being busy is not necessarily being spiritual”—for in fact, noise and busyness can actually crowd out the still, small voice of the Spirit.
President Gordon B. Hinckley (1910–2008) prescribed a remedy for this fever of busyness: meditation, or pondering, or introspection. President Hinckley recalled that his father “never ceased growing” because he made time for “thinking, meditating, [and] pondering.” You may have to turn off your TV, computer, cell phone, or MP3 player, but it’s worth it. As Sister Bonnie D. Parkin, former Relief Society general president, put it: “Take time to slow down and ponder so that you can feel the Lord’s love for you...”
“There seems to be little evidence,” Elder Richard L. Evans (1906–71) of the Quorum of the Twelve once said, “that the Creator of the universe was ever in a hurry. Everywhere, on this bounteous and beautiful earth … there is evidence of patient purpose and planning and working and waiting...”
Perhaps all this was summarized in eight words by the Psalmist long ago: “Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10).
In general, I'm in far too much of a hurry on a daily basis. I'm also in too much of a hurry to accomplish things that simply need time and patience to accomplish.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
You will succeed if you keep trying
A friend of mine sent this yesterday via email. It's exactly what I needed to hear. I've noticed that I've been getting really impatient with things (myself, others, and God) recently - when, in reality, I just need to keep at it and give things more time to come to fruition. RF, thanks again for sending!
Keep Watering Your Bamboo Tree - Eric Aronson
In the Far East, there is a tree called the Chinese bamboo tree. This remarkable tree is different from most trees in that it doesn't grow in the usual fashion. While most trees grow steadily over a period of years, the Chinese bamboo tree doesn't break through the ground for the first four years. Then, in the fifth year, an amazing thing happens - the tree begins to grow at an astonishing rate. In fact, in a period of just five weeks, a Chinese bamboo tree can grow to a height of 90 feet. It's almost as if you can actually see the tree growing before your very eyes.
Well, I'm convinced that life often works in a similar way. You can work for weeks, months and even years on your dream with no visible signs of progress and then, all of the sudden, things take off. Your business becomes profitable beyond your wildest dreams. Your marriage becomes more vibrant and passionate than you ever thought it could be. Your contribution to your church, social organization and community becomes more significant than you have ever imagined.
Yet, all of this requires one thing - faith. The growers of the Chinese bamboo tree have faith that if they keep watering and fertilizing the ground, the tree will break through. Well, you must have the same kind of faith in your bamboo tree, whether it is to run a successful business, win a Pulitzer Prize, raise well-adjusted children, or what have you. You must have faith that if you keep making the calls, honing your craft, reading to your children, reaching out to your spouse or asking for donations, that you too will see rapid growth in the future.
This is the hard part for most of us. We get so excited about the idea that's been planted inside of us that we simply can't wait for it to blossom. Therefore, within days or weeks of the initial planting, we become discouraged and begin to second guess ourselves.
Sometimes, in our doubt, we dig up our seed and plant it elsewhere, in hopes that it will quickly rise in more fertile ground. We see this very often in people who change jobs every year or so. We also see it in people who change churches, organizations and even spouses in the pursuit of greener pastures. More often than not, these people are greatly disappointed when their tree doesn't grow any faster in the new location.
Other times, people will water the ground for a time but then, quickly become discouraged. They start to wonder if it's worth all of the effort. This is particularly true when they see their neighbors having success with other trees. They start to think, "What am I doing trying to grow a bamboo tree? If I had planted a lemon tree, I'd have a few lemons by now." These are the people who return to their old jobs and their old ways. They walk away from their dream in exchange for a "sure thing."
Sadly, what they fail to realize is that pursuing your dream is a sure thing if you just don't give up. So long as you keep watering and fertilizing your dream, it will come to fruition. It may take weeks. It may take months. It may even take years, but eventually, the roots will take hold and your tree will grow. And when it does, it will grow in remarkable ways.
We've seen this happen so many times. Henry Ford had to water his bamboo tree through five business failures before he finally succeeded with the Ford Motor Company. Richard Hooker had to water his bamboo tree for seven years and through 21 rejections by publishers until his humorous war novel, M*A*S*H became a runaway bestseller, spawning a movie and one of the longest-running television series of all-time. Another great bamboo grower was the legendary jockey Eddie Arcaro. Arcaro lost his first 250 races as a jockey before going on to win 17 Triple Crown races and 554 stakes races for total purse earnings of more than $30 million.
Well, you have a bamboo tree inside of you just waiting to break through. So keep watering and believing and you too will be flying high before you know it.
Sunday, February 01, 2009
Mindfulness
About a month ago, a friend of mine sent me this true story.
A man sat at a metro station in Washington DC and started to play the violin. It was a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was calculated that thousand of people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.
Three minutes went by, and a middle aged man noticed there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds - and then hurried up to meet his schedule.
A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw the money in the till and without stopping - continued to walk.
A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him, but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again. Clearly he was late for work.
The one who paid the most attention, was a 3 year old boy. His mother tagged him along, hurried - but the kid stopped to look at the violinist. Finally the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk - turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. All the parents, without exception, forced them to move on.
In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and stayed for a while. About 20 gave him money, but continued to walk their normal pace. He collected $32. When he finished playing and silence took over, no one noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.
No one knew this but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the best musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth 3.5 million dollars.
Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out at a theater in Boston and the seats average $100.
This is a real story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and priorities of people. The outlines were: in a commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour: Do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize the talent in an unexpected context?
One of the possible conclusions from this experience could be: If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world - playing the best music ever written, how many other things are we missing?
This is a good reminder to "stop and smell the roses" as we do not know where blessings may come from unexpectedly.
A man sat at a metro station in Washington DC and started to play the violin. It was a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was calculated that thousand of people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.
Three minutes went by, and a middle aged man noticed there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds - and then hurried up to meet his schedule.
A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw the money in the till and without stopping - continued to walk.
A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him, but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again. Clearly he was late for work.
The one who paid the most attention, was a 3 year old boy. His mother tagged him along, hurried - but the kid stopped to look at the violinist. Finally the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk - turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. All the parents, without exception, forced them to move on.
In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and stayed for a while. About 20 gave him money, but continued to walk their normal pace. He collected $32. When he finished playing and silence took over, no one noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.
No one knew this but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the best musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth 3.5 million dollars.
Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out at a theater in Boston and the seats average $100.
This is a real story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and priorities of people. The outlines were: in a commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour: Do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize the talent in an unexpected context?
One of the possible conclusions from this experience could be: If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world - playing the best music ever written, how many other things are we missing?
This is a good reminder to "stop and smell the roses" as we do not know where blessings may come from unexpectedly.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Weekly schedule
I've been thinking a lot about how to balance everything I have going on in my life. There are only so many hours in a week and it's hard to make everything fit. Also, unless we consciously manage things, certain aspects of our life (like work, church, etc) have a way of taking over and crowding out other things we may want and need to get done in other aspects of our life. Therefore, this past week, I did a personal exercise where I said "if I really could control my schedule, how would I ideally manage my time in a given week?" That caused me to put together a list of competing demands on my time along with a list of things I'd like to be doing more of. It also caused me to quantify the amount of time that was required and/or appropriate for each of those activities and also think about what additional constraints I needed to take into account (i.e., train schedules, kids' bedtimes and nighttime routines, what activities were appropriate on the Sabbath, etc).
I ended up optimizing for the following:
- 8 hours per night of sleep. I typically short-change this (as do others) but I think it's a mistake and I think my body needs about 7-8 hours of sleep to function optimally.
- 50 hours per week of work. I went back and forth a bit on this one. You could certainly argue for a 40 hour work week but that's just not the reality of the career choice that I've made at the moment. At the same time, my job could easily suck up 60 or 70 hours per week if I let it so there needs to be a balance. 50 hours seemed like a reasonable compromise for now but it's something to revisit over time - especially given the length of my commute at the moment (which isn't factored into the 50 hour figure).
- Being home for dinner each night with the kids. This may not always be possible given business trips, business dinners, special events, etc but I think the going-in-assumption should be that I'm home each night for dinner and bedtime.
- Spending time with my kids. In addition to being home for dinner each night, I'd like to spend some quality time with them on the weekend.
- Spending time with my wife. I'd like a dedicated block with just her each week and ideally some shorter dedicated blocks during the rest of the week.
- Honoring God and Church commitments / guidelines. This includes keeping the Sabbath day holy, attending my weekly ward missionary meeting, having daily scripture study, and doing a weekly family home evening.
- Exercising three times a week. Ideally I'd exercise more often than that but it's all a balance. I'm not exercising at all at the moment (which isn't right) but I can't exercise everyday either and still make everything else fit.
- Relaxation and personal projects. Somewhere in there, I need at least a little down time. I also need time for personal projects like family history, blogging, reading, etc. Being social occasionally wouldn't be bad either.
Against those constraints, I put together a generic weekly schedule (see PDF). I would be interested in people's opinions regarding how to optimize the time better and/or a different set of priorities/constraints. You'll notice that I played some tricks here like assuming that I can spend an hour of my commute time on the train getting work done. But I also tried to stay practical and realistic about how long things take and that you can't transition from one thing to another instantaneously. For example, you can't go from playing basketball to going to sleep right away after you get home.
Anyway, I'll be interested in what people have to say (if anything) and in how closely I'm able to adhere to this schedule. It's certainly a work in progress.
Sunday, March 02, 2008
Looking up the economic ladder
I was talking to a friend the other night about work/life balance and he sent me this article afterwards. It talks about the dangers of materialism and of comparing ourselves to others. Here are some interesting excerpts:
Trying to define materialism is like a fish trying to describe water, says Carroll: “We swim in it. It’s all around us. It’s so pervasive that it’s very hard to question it and think about it clearly.” In addition, the material standards that define modest, good, or decadent living creep up over time and are highly subjective.
Those nuances aside, Carroll defines materialism as placing a high importance on material possessions as the means to achieving personal happiness and a sense of well-being. Several studies have shown that people who have a materialistic orientation report lower levels of happiness and feel less connection in relationships. “As you emphasize and value the material, you start to lessen your appreciation for the personal,” says Carroll...
Consider, for example, the couple that looks up the economic ladder and focuses on people who have more. Even if they have plenty of income, typically they will perceive themselves as not having enough, which in turn fosters a sense of entitlement, feelings of resentment, and anxiety, says Carroll: “If you see that so-and-so goes to Europe, you might think, ‘I’ve never been to Europe. Part of the good life is a vacation in Europe, but we can’t afford that. Something’s not right.’ So you start to attach your expectations and your sense of quality of life to those higher on the ladder.” At its core, looking up also creates a sense of ingratitude, says Carroll. You lose perspective of what you have.
Those who compare themselves with those lower on the economic ladder are less likely to feel distressed about finances, even when their income is modest. “‘I can’t afford to go to Europe, but I can take a trip to Disneyland. I know people who would give anything to be able to afford to take their kids to Disneyland. Wow, I’m blessed.’ So now you’re grateful. You see yourself as fortunate.”
These ways of thinking are powerful, says Carroll. “Materialistic attitudes are a better predictor of finances as a problem in a relationship than is income, which means that even high-income individuals who are materialistic will have financial problems in their marriage.”
The article also offers questions to ask to determine if you are materialistic and also suggestions on how to change. In general, I think my wife and I do a pretty reasonable job in this regard but there is always room for improvement - especially in such a materialistic part of the country like Silicon Valley.
Trying to define materialism is like a fish trying to describe water, says Carroll: “We swim in it. It’s all around us. It’s so pervasive that it’s very hard to question it and think about it clearly.” In addition, the material standards that define modest, good, or decadent living creep up over time and are highly subjective.
Those nuances aside, Carroll defines materialism as placing a high importance on material possessions as the means to achieving personal happiness and a sense of well-being. Several studies have shown that people who have a materialistic orientation report lower levels of happiness and feel less connection in relationships. “As you emphasize and value the material, you start to lessen your appreciation for the personal,” says Carroll...
Consider, for example, the couple that looks up the economic ladder and focuses on people who have more. Even if they have plenty of income, typically they will perceive themselves as not having enough, which in turn fosters a sense of entitlement, feelings of resentment, and anxiety, says Carroll: “If you see that so-and-so goes to Europe, you might think, ‘I’ve never been to Europe. Part of the good life is a vacation in Europe, but we can’t afford that. Something’s not right.’ So you start to attach your expectations and your sense of quality of life to those higher on the ladder.” At its core, looking up also creates a sense of ingratitude, says Carroll. You lose perspective of what you have.
Those who compare themselves with those lower on the economic ladder are less likely to feel distressed about finances, even when their income is modest. “‘I can’t afford to go to Europe, but I can take a trip to Disneyland. I know people who would give anything to be able to afford to take their kids to Disneyland. Wow, I’m blessed.’ So now you’re grateful. You see yourself as fortunate.”
These ways of thinking are powerful, says Carroll. “Materialistic attitudes are a better predictor of finances as a problem in a relationship than is income, which means that even high-income individuals who are materialistic will have financial problems in their marriage.”
The article also offers questions to ask to determine if you are materialistic and also suggestions on how to change. In general, I think my wife and I do a pretty reasonable job in this regard but there is always room for improvement - especially in such a materialistic part of the country like Silicon Valley.
Friday, October 26, 2007
The Business Traveling Parent
Over the last month or so, I've been doing a lot of business travel. My wife got me the book The Business Traveling Parent: How to Stay Close to Your Kids When You're Far Away the other day at the library and I read it on one of my flights. Quick read with some good ideas. I scanned the ones that seemed like they'd work best for my family (download). On this last trip to DC, I did the letter on itinerary swap, hotel stationary, postcard, and story book over the phone ideas and it seemed to go well with the kids. If others have suggestions, please let me know.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
First day of kindergarten
Today was JD's first day of kindergarten. It seemed to go well. The program is dual immersion English-Spanish and 90% of the instruction in kindergarten is in Spanish (but becomes 50/50 by fifth grade). So I think JD was a little mentally exhausted by the end of the day (with all the Spanish being thrown at him) but that was part of the point of putting him in this program. He probably wouldn't be challenged by a regular kindergarten program given where he is right now with reading, math, and verbal communication.
Anyway, I took the day off so I could take JD to school in the morning and pick him up at lunchtime. Given work, I don't know how often I'll be able to do that for him so I figured this was a good day to make it happen. Who knows if it made any difference to JD (he just ran right into class and started exploring the classroom; no clinging or hesitation) but it was a symbolic gesture on my part. It was my way of saying to him that he's important to me and that I want to support him - even if I can't be there all the time.
As luck would have it (or perhaps everything happens for a reason), one of the energy blogs I follow had a personal post today. In it, the blogger (who has a full-time job and family) was discussing the fact that his blog is taking up too much of his time and putting a strain on his family. This excerpt resonated with me:
This past week, my 11-year-old son watched a movie that he really liked. I told him, "Yeah, I have been meaning to watch that with you." He then looked at me, and asked "But why didn't you?"
I know I'm making choices in my life that prevent me from doing every little thing with my kids (or my wife). But I certainly don't want to get to one of these gut-wrenching moments when it becomes perfectly clear your priorities have been in the wrong place for a long while. Hopefully this forum of people can keep me honest in that regard and I can do enough stuff along the way to be an integral part of my kids' lives while also accomplishing something meaningful in other parts of my life (particularly my marriage and career).
Anyway, I took the day off so I could take JD to school in the morning and pick him up at lunchtime. Given work, I don't know how often I'll be able to do that for him so I figured this was a good day to make it happen. Who knows if it made any difference to JD (he just ran right into class and started exploring the classroom; no clinging or hesitation) but it was a symbolic gesture on my part. It was my way of saying to him that he's important to me and that I want to support him - even if I can't be there all the time.
As luck would have it (or perhaps everything happens for a reason), one of the energy blogs I follow had a personal post today. In it, the blogger (who has a full-time job and family) was discussing the fact that his blog is taking up too much of his time and putting a strain on his family. This excerpt resonated with me:
This past week, my 11-year-old son watched a movie that he really liked. I told him, "Yeah, I have been meaning to watch that with you." He then looked at me, and asked "But why didn't you?"
I know I'm making choices in my life that prevent me from doing every little thing with my kids (or my wife). But I certainly don't want to get to one of these gut-wrenching moments when it becomes perfectly clear your priorities have been in the wrong place for a long while. Hopefully this forum of people can keep me honest in that regard and I can do enough stuff along the way to be an integral part of my kids' lives while also accomplishing something meaningful in other parts of my life (particularly my marriage and career).
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Facing Darkness
It's interesting to see how certain topics suddenly get popular in the press. In the last week, I've seen two articles on men and depression. The first was in Men's Health, entitled "Exercising Your Demons", and the second was in Newsweek, entitled "Facing Darkness". Both articles pointed out that depression in men has classicly been misdiagnosed and that men are very reluctant to admit to the problem. Rather, men exhibit tendencies towards alcoholism, violence, extreme exercise, hard work, and suicide. Men also tend to fly off the handle about little things like bad service or some other seemingly minor incident.
A couple of excerpts from the Men's Health article:
"It's understandable that women are three times more likely than men to be treated for depression; our culture has put a feminine face on the disease, so women give themselves permission to feel it and to seek help for it. Polluck puts it this way: 'We have in our society a feminized view of depression, coming out of a model of hysteria that dates back to Freud.' Terrance Real, author of I Don't Want to Talk About It, and a marriage and family therapist in Massachusetts, wrote, 'There is a terrible collusion in our society, a cultural cover-up about depression in men.' And part of the cultural influence involves the way men are taught from early childhood to be strong, silent, independent, and resistant to suffering. As Real puts it, 'Men have about a millisecond's tolerance for feeling [this type of] pain, and then they spring into action. A flight from shame into grandiosity lies at the heart of male covert depression.'"
"The social conditioning that leads to men's response to depression begins in infancy. Male babies receive less of every type of nurturing, including speech, touch, and comfort when they cry. And that is only the beginning of what will be, to one degree or another, a brutal upbringing for boys. In the 1960s, the crusading social psychologist Jeanne Block and her colleagues explored how differently parents treat boys and girls. For instance, moms and dads encourage boys to be competitive and to achieve. They don't like them to show their emotions. They encourage them to be less dependent; mothers push them away. They punish them more than they punish girls. And they are unaware that they treat boys and girls differently."
"But there is not much in our cultural definition of what it means to be a man that is inherent to maleness. Children start off surprisingly alike, whether they're boys or girls. If there's a difference, it's the opposite of what the culture seems to expect: Boys are more sensitive. They give expression to their emotions more readily than girls. They affiliate with others in the same way as girls. Then someone tells them it's not okay to be that way. If you act like that, you're a pussy. As Real and others have explained, it is through this process of denial that men are primed for depression. And it is the cultural necessity of carrying out and carrying on this process that makes it so difficult for them to recognize and admit to depression when it comes. They not only don't acknowledge it to themselves, they often don't display the symptoms that psychotherapists use to diagnose depression. The cultural training that lays the groundwork for depression in men and for their denial of it later in life involves social isolation. That means telling people the truth about yourself and trusting that they'll do the same, a concept that seems terrifying to many men."
The Newsweek article has a sidebar called "The Sad Legacy of Depressed Parents". The most interesting excerpt was:
In one recent study at Columbia University, researchers found that rates of anxiety disorders and depression were three times as high among the adult children of depressed parents as they were among people whose parents were not depressed. Adult children of depressed parents also reported about five times the rate of cardiovascular disease—a sign that emotional disorders affect more than mood. Even kids who manage to succeed socially often struggle at home to care for their parents or younger siblings. "Depression has an entire family dynamic," says Myrna Weissman, the lead researcher in the Columbia study.
Both articles had little quizes men could take to determine whether they suffer from depression. I failed (or passed, depending on your perspective) both quizes. But it wasn't a surprise. After an initial period of excitement with my new job, the stress (mostly self-imposed) has really gotten to me over the last three months. I've always had a disposition towards working hard. I've also increasingly been getting really upset (and staying upset) about really minor, stupid stuff. And I've been having trouble getting to sleep and staying asleep - so then I'm tired a lot. It's definitely a viscous cycle I'm in. I've never really felt like I fit in the world. I'm feeling that way now. Perhaps I don't fit; perhaps it's depression; probably the latter. I've also noticed other negative patterns of behavior reemerging so it's time to take action.
Not sure how to break out of this. I've seen a therapist for the last 5 years but I need to work out some issues with my current health insurance before I can see her again. In the meantime, I guess I'll lean on my wife (not that I don't lean on her enough as it is). I should start exercising more regularly as well. Baby steps but positive steps.
A couple of excerpts from the Men's Health article:
"It's understandable that women are three times more likely than men to be treated for depression; our culture has put a feminine face on the disease, so women give themselves permission to feel it and to seek help for it. Polluck puts it this way: 'We have in our society a feminized view of depression, coming out of a model of hysteria that dates back to Freud.' Terrance Real, author of I Don't Want to Talk About It, and a marriage and family therapist in Massachusetts, wrote, 'There is a terrible collusion in our society, a cultural cover-up about depression in men.' And part of the cultural influence involves the way men are taught from early childhood to be strong, silent, independent, and resistant to suffering. As Real puts it, 'Men have about a millisecond's tolerance for feeling [this type of] pain, and then they spring into action. A flight from shame into grandiosity lies at the heart of male covert depression.'"
"The social conditioning that leads to men's response to depression begins in infancy. Male babies receive less of every type of nurturing, including speech, touch, and comfort when they cry. And that is only the beginning of what will be, to one degree or another, a brutal upbringing for boys. In the 1960s, the crusading social psychologist Jeanne Block and her colleagues explored how differently parents treat boys and girls. For instance, moms and dads encourage boys to be competitive and to achieve. They don't like them to show their emotions. They encourage them to be less dependent; mothers push them away. They punish them more than they punish girls. And they are unaware that they treat boys and girls differently."
"But there is not much in our cultural definition of what it means to be a man that is inherent to maleness. Children start off surprisingly alike, whether they're boys or girls. If there's a difference, it's the opposite of what the culture seems to expect: Boys are more sensitive. They give expression to their emotions more readily than girls. They affiliate with others in the same way as girls. Then someone tells them it's not okay to be that way. If you act like that, you're a pussy. As Real and others have explained, it is through this process of denial that men are primed for depression. And it is the cultural necessity of carrying out and carrying on this process that makes it so difficult for them to recognize and admit to depression when it comes. They not only don't acknowledge it to themselves, they often don't display the symptoms that psychotherapists use to diagnose depression. The cultural training that lays the groundwork for depression in men and for their denial of it later in life involves social isolation. That means telling people the truth about yourself and trusting that they'll do the same, a concept that seems terrifying to many men."
The Newsweek article has a sidebar called "The Sad Legacy of Depressed Parents". The most interesting excerpt was:
In one recent study at Columbia University, researchers found that rates of anxiety disorders and depression were three times as high among the adult children of depressed parents as they were among people whose parents were not depressed. Adult children of depressed parents also reported about five times the rate of cardiovascular disease—a sign that emotional disorders affect more than mood. Even kids who manage to succeed socially often struggle at home to care for their parents or younger siblings. "Depression has an entire family dynamic," says Myrna Weissman, the lead researcher in the Columbia study.
Both articles had little quizes men could take to determine whether they suffer from depression. I failed (or passed, depending on your perspective) both quizes. But it wasn't a surprise. After an initial period of excitement with my new job, the stress (mostly self-imposed) has really gotten to me over the last three months. I've always had a disposition towards working hard. I've also increasingly been getting really upset (and staying upset) about really minor, stupid stuff. And I've been having trouble getting to sleep and staying asleep - so then I'm tired a lot. It's definitely a viscous cycle I'm in. I've never really felt like I fit in the world. I'm feeling that way now. Perhaps I don't fit; perhaps it's depression; probably the latter. I've also noticed other negative patterns of behavior reemerging so it's time to take action.
Not sure how to break out of this. I've seen a therapist for the last 5 years but I need to work out some issues with my current health insurance before I can see her again. In the meantime, I guess I'll lean on my wife (not that I don't lean on her enough as it is). I should start exercising more regularly as well. Baby steps but positive steps.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Road to Balance
The other day at work, a woman came in to talk about the "road to balance" (see her handouts). Given the fact that I'm about to join a small startup company, this is a particularly timely topic and one that I need to take very seriously. Relative to where I was a couple of years ago, I feel like I am more grounded and disciplined with respect to the importance of balance. But there is a high risk of this getting out of control in a hurry if I'm not careful about it - especially all the new things I need to learn for my new position (see this post). I'm really going to need to rely on my wife and the rest of my family to keep me honest here. It's not easy to tell someone that they have their priorities out of whack but I'm glad I have people in my life who care enough to do so.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Got hobbies?
I don't have any hobbies. I aspire to having hobbies but I really don't have any. A while ago, I created a list with my wife of hobbies I might want to take up at some point - including swimming, basketball, golf, biking, tennis, fine arts performances, sporting events, volunteer work, learning a musical instrument (piano), and getting into fantasy football. No progress on any of those fronts but it's a good list nonetheless.
I also created a list of things I wanted to learn more about - including statistics, game theory, complexity theory, auto maintenance, the environment, energy/alternative energy, culture of obesity, sleep patterns, and open source software. Some progress here - especially related to the environment and alternative energy (but there's plenty more to learn).
And one more list for good measure. At one point, I was thinking about taking a 3-6 month sabbatical from work. Some of the ideas I had for activities were visiting NYC, going to a fitness camp, taking a bike tour, getting some personal training, getting into yoga, going to India, going to Boston and Nantucket, doing some volunteer work, getting more into religion, and catching up with people. With the new job, I guess the sabbatical will need to wait a couple more years.
Since I found the lists, figured I'd share ... but the level of progress is a little depressing.
I also created a list of things I wanted to learn more about - including statistics, game theory, complexity theory, auto maintenance, the environment, energy/alternative energy, culture of obesity, sleep patterns, and open source software. Some progress here - especially related to the environment and alternative energy (but there's plenty more to learn).
And one more list for good measure. At one point, I was thinking about taking a 3-6 month sabbatical from work. Some of the ideas I had for activities were visiting NYC, going to a fitness camp, taking a bike tour, getting some personal training, getting into yoga, going to India, going to Boston and Nantucket, doing some volunteer work, getting more into religion, and catching up with people. With the new job, I guess the sabbatical will need to wait a couple more years.
Since I found the lists, figured I'd share ... but the level of progress is a little depressing.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Can't stop working
I just read an interesting article on ExploreFaith.org called "The Lord's Picnic". I can certainly relate to this paradoxical observation:
Sometimes you just can't get away. Everyone knows the odd combination of longing and dread with which overworked people anticipate their work holidays - longing to be at leisure for a week or two, dread at the pile of work that will await them when they return. It's not worth it to take a vacation, more than one person has told me. I'd be better off not going away at all.
There is more to it than the dread of the accumulated work though. A perverse momentum takes hold in some of us when we are in need of rest: we can't stop working. We don't take it easy - we take it hard. It's as if we were afraid to leave the very thing from which we need a break.
Most exhausted people I talk to go to work earlier than they need to and stay later. Work much more, and accomplish about the same as they would have if they worked normal hours. Maybe less. Their world shrinks to the workplace and the workplace alone. No other arena of their lives command their attention.
Sometimes they think other people would be critical of them if they took it easy, as if there were some moral high ground of martyrdom demanded of them that is not expected of everyone else. Sometimes they think terrible things will happen if they aren't there. They may hate it, but they can't bring themselves to stop.
The truth is, terrible things will happen whether you're there or not. The escalating hours of work, the inability to do anything else - these are symptoms of depression, a loss of self and perspective on the world so profound it can paralyze and even kill if it is not stopped.
I'm improving along this dimension but I have noticed that when I need rest the most, I often press forward the hardest - as if one final burst of energy will magically get me across the finish line and allow me to rest (guilt-free) for as long as I want/need. But it doesn't work that way. As soon as I finish one task, there is another one waiting. There's no end to it. Also, you get into a vicious cycle. You stay up late one night to get some extra work done but that makes you tired the next day. Being tired leads you to be less focused and productive at work which causes you to get less done which causes more work to pile up. Faced with the growing pile of work, you stay up late the next night to "catch up" but the cycle simply continues and gets worse over time. In the end, you're burnt out and no further ahead work-wise than if you had just gotten a full night's sleep to begin with. Also, the consequences of not getting work things done - or at least done on time - is often much less significant than we convince ourselves they are.
That all makes rational sense to me but the irrational part of me still hangs on to its old ways. It wants to believe that I am indispensableble at work, that others are depending on me to get my stuff done on time, and that loyalty to my coworkers dictates that I (automatically) go the extra mile even if I'm not really up to it. It's hard to let go of old ways - they've worked so well for so long. But strengths during one stage of our lives can become Achilles' heels at the next stage of our life (see this post). Things change - hopefully for the better.
Sometimes you just can't get away. Everyone knows the odd combination of longing and dread with which overworked people anticipate their work holidays - longing to be at leisure for a week or two, dread at the pile of work that will await them when they return. It's not worth it to take a vacation, more than one person has told me. I'd be better off not going away at all.
There is more to it than the dread of the accumulated work though. A perverse momentum takes hold in some of us when we are in need of rest: we can't stop working. We don't take it easy - we take it hard. It's as if we were afraid to leave the very thing from which we need a break.
Most exhausted people I talk to go to work earlier than they need to and stay later. Work much more, and accomplish about the same as they would have if they worked normal hours. Maybe less. Their world shrinks to the workplace and the workplace alone. No other arena of their lives command their attention.
Sometimes they think other people would be critical of them if they took it easy, as if there were some moral high ground of martyrdom demanded of them that is not expected of everyone else. Sometimes they think terrible things will happen if they aren't there. They may hate it, but they can't bring themselves to stop.
The truth is, terrible things will happen whether you're there or not. The escalating hours of work, the inability to do anything else - these are symptoms of depression, a loss of self and perspective on the world so profound it can paralyze and even kill if it is not stopped.
I'm improving along this dimension but I have noticed that when I need rest the most, I often press forward the hardest - as if one final burst of energy will magically get me across the finish line and allow me to rest (guilt-free) for as long as I want/need. But it doesn't work that way. As soon as I finish one task, there is another one waiting. There's no end to it. Also, you get into a vicious cycle. You stay up late one night to get some extra work done but that makes you tired the next day. Being tired leads you to be less focused and productive at work which causes you to get less done which causes more work to pile up. Faced with the growing pile of work, you stay up late the next night to "catch up" but the cycle simply continues and gets worse over time. In the end, you're burnt out and no further ahead work-wise than if you had just gotten a full night's sleep to begin with. Also, the consequences of not getting work things done - or at least done on time - is often much less significant than we convince ourselves they are.
That all makes rational sense to me but the irrational part of me still hangs on to its old ways. It wants to believe that I am indispensableble at work, that others are depending on me to get my stuff done on time, and that loyalty to my coworkers dictates that I (automatically) go the extra mile even if I'm not really up to it. It's hard to let go of old ways - they've worked so well for so long. But strengths during one stage of our lives can become Achilles' heels at the next stage of our life (see this post). Things change - hopefully for the better.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Fourth Commandment
A couple of days ago, I picked up a copy of the July 3, 2006 issue of USA Today. In it, there was an article regarding honoring the Sabbath. Specifically:
Sabbath-keeping is going to be a countercultural activity, one requiring commitment and creativity. A day of rest does not have to be a Saturday or a Sunday - impossible for pastors and many others - but it should be at least one day out of seven, and qualitatively different from the other six. The key is to break away from work patterns, whether that means hobbies, sports or artistic activities. (Sabbath is related to the Hebrew verb meaning "to cease, stop, interrupt.") "Spend more time with people in a friendly way, with meals (and) extended conversations, but no talk related to work," advises theologian Marva Dawn, author of Keeping the Sabbath Wholly: Ceasing, Resting, Embracing, Feasting. New York Mets pitcher Pedro Martinez rests by engaging in gardening; for a professional gardener, though, Sabbath-keeping might involve playing baseball.
My sister-in-law HG does a very good job of this. I really don't. I guess I'm one of the 24/7 people the author is appealing to in his article. The message is actually quite similar to a recent post on stress management in which that author advises putting down your burdens periodically so you can recharge. Easier said than done for me but something I certainly aspire to.
Sabbath-keeping is going to be a countercultural activity, one requiring commitment and creativity. A day of rest does not have to be a Saturday or a Sunday - impossible for pastors and many others - but it should be at least one day out of seven, and qualitatively different from the other six. The key is to break away from work patterns, whether that means hobbies, sports or artistic activities. (Sabbath is related to the Hebrew verb meaning "to cease, stop, interrupt.") "Spend more time with people in a friendly way, with meals (and) extended conversations, but no talk related to work," advises theologian Marva Dawn, author of Keeping the Sabbath Wholly: Ceasing, Resting, Embracing, Feasting. New York Mets pitcher Pedro Martinez rests by engaging in gardening; for a professional gardener, though, Sabbath-keeping might involve playing baseball.
My sister-in-law HG does a very good job of this. I really don't. I guess I'm one of the 24/7 people the author is appealing to in his article. The message is actually quite similar to a recent post on stress management in which that author advises putting down your burdens periodically so you can recharge. Easier said than done for me but something I certainly aspire to.
Monday, June 26, 2006
Stress management
I was browsing through blogs the other night. It's fascinating to see what other people write about in their blogs. One of the blogs I came across is called Master P and had a good post on stress management. I've copied it here for convenience:
A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water?"
Answers called out ranged from 20 g to 500 g. The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it."
"If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."
He continued. "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."
"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can. Relax; pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy it!"
I need to remember this more often. And I could certainly use a vacation at the moment. Now that my nanotechnology class is over, hopefully I'll be able to (and allow myself to) take things a little easier for a couple weeks.
A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water?"
Answers called out ranged from 20 g to 500 g. The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it."
"If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."
He continued. "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."
"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can. Relax; pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy it!"
I need to remember this more often. And I could certainly use a vacation at the moment. Now that my nanotechnology class is over, hopefully I'll be able to (and allow myself to) take things a little easier for a couple weeks.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Tuesdays with Morrie
I read Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom last night and this morning. Mitch Albom also wrote the five people you meet in heaven (see this post). If you haven't checked out this book, I would definitely recommend it. It's a quick read and Morrie is a very endearing and inspirational real-life character. Morrie is diagnosed from ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease) - a terrible ailment with no known cure - but rather than feel sorry for himself or withdraw from the world, he decides to embrace the remaining time he has and turn it into a laboratory on death (and life). As Morrie puts it, "once you learn how to die, you learn how to live".
There are a number of good lessons in this book but what I most took away from it is the joy for life and the love of others that Morrie possessed (and I do not). During his final months, Morrie was interviewed three times by Ted Koppel (for the show "Nightline"). In the final interview, he said: "For me, Ted, living means I can be responsive to the other person. It means I can show my emotions and my feelings. Talk to them. Feel with them ... When that is gone, Morrie is gone." Later, when asked whether he had anything to say to the nationwide audience, he said "be compassionate and take responsibility for each other. If we only learned those lessons, this world would be so much better a place ... love each other or die."
Another key thing I took away from Morrie was the importance and power of being fully present. Here's one good excerpt on this topic:
I came to love the way Morrie lit up when I entered the room. He did this for many people, I know but it was his special talent to make each visitor feel that the smile was unique.
"Ahhh, it's my buddy," he would say when he saw me, in that foggy, high-pitched voice. And it didn't stop with the greeting. When Morrie was with you, he was really with you. He looked you straight in the eye, and he listened as if you were the only person in the world. How much better would people get along if their first encounter each day were like this - instead of a grumlbe from a waitress or a bus driver or a boss?
"I believe in being fully present," Morrie said. "That means you should be with the person you're with. When I'm talking to you now, Mitch, I try to keep focused only on what is going on between us. I am not thinking about something we said last week. I am not thinking about doing another Koppel show, or about what medications I'm taking.
"I am talking to you. I am thinking about you."
Being more present, especially with my wife and children, is probably one of my top goals at the moment. Honestly, right now, I'd probably give myself a D in this area. I'm not completely failing but my performance is only barely one notch above that. I can't help but think about everything else going on in my life and everything else I "need" to do. Rather than be in the moment, I'm trying to think a couple of steps ahead. I'm cheating myself and those around me.
The last thing I'll say about this book is that I hope, in my own way, I am able to be a teacher and mentor like Morrie. Morrie wanted his tombstone to read "A Teacher to the Last". How appropriate. I wonder what I'd want my tombstone to say. I wonder how I'll want others to remember me when I'm gone. I wonder who will show up at my funeral and what they will say.
There are a number of good lessons in this book but what I most took away from it is the joy for life and the love of others that Morrie possessed (and I do not). During his final months, Morrie was interviewed three times by Ted Koppel (for the show "Nightline"). In the final interview, he said: "For me, Ted, living means I can be responsive to the other person. It means I can show my emotions and my feelings. Talk to them. Feel with them ... When that is gone, Morrie is gone." Later, when asked whether he had anything to say to the nationwide audience, he said "be compassionate and take responsibility for each other. If we only learned those lessons, this world would be so much better a place ... love each other or die."
Another key thing I took away from Morrie was the importance and power of being fully present. Here's one good excerpt on this topic:
I came to love the way Morrie lit up when I entered the room. He did this for many people, I know but it was his special talent to make each visitor feel that the smile was unique.
"Ahhh, it's my buddy," he would say when he saw me, in that foggy, high-pitched voice. And it didn't stop with the greeting. When Morrie was with you, he was really with you. He looked you straight in the eye, and he listened as if you were the only person in the world. How much better would people get along if their first encounter each day were like this - instead of a grumlbe from a waitress or a bus driver or a boss?
"I believe in being fully present," Morrie said. "That means you should be with the person you're with. When I'm talking to you now, Mitch, I try to keep focused only on what is going on between us. I am not thinking about something we said last week. I am not thinking about doing another Koppel show, or about what medications I'm taking.
"I am talking to you. I am thinking about you."
Being more present, especially with my wife and children, is probably one of my top goals at the moment. Honestly, right now, I'd probably give myself a D in this area. I'm not completely failing but my performance is only barely one notch above that. I can't help but think about everything else going on in my life and everything else I "need" to do. Rather than be in the moment, I'm trying to think a couple of steps ahead. I'm cheating myself and those around me.
The last thing I'll say about this book is that I hope, in my own way, I am able to be a teacher and mentor like Morrie. Morrie wanted his tombstone to read "A Teacher to the Last". How appropriate. I wonder what I'd want my tombstone to say. I wonder how I'll want others to remember me when I'm gone. I wonder who will show up at my funeral and what they will say.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Having it all ... and making it work
About a year and a half ago, I did a presentation at work on work-life balance (download here). When I worked in our marketing department, we had a program called the "Marketing Learning Program" in which each person if the group would pick a book and present it to the rest of the group - kind of like a book club but only one person read the book. I chose the book Having It All ... And Making It Work. For any of you who have struggled with work-life balance, I would highly recommend this book. It's a fast read and quite helpful. The basic premise of the book is that everything comes with a price - even achieving balance. We need to decide what is most important to us and focus on those things - and be willing to accept the consequences of dropping or ignoring other things. The authors caution that lower-level matters may masquerade as first-tier priorities, but we can tell what matters most when you have to let go of something. Also, the key to having work-life balance isn’t to become good or wise at making tradeoffs, but rather to minimize the number of tradeoffs we make. A tradeoff is always a win-lose situation because it occurs between those things we want most. Many of our balancing decisions are actually between something we want more (a first-tier item) and something else that we want less (a second-tier item); this is not a tradeoff.
The other thing I found really helpful - and practical - about this book is that it acknowledges the importance of the work side of work-life balance. Many books on this topic make it seem that family should be such a priority in our lives that we are willing to sacrifice all else. The practical reality is that professional/work life and personal/family life offer different rewards and different forms of fulfillment. Therefore, it's just as dangerous to focus on family to the exclusion of work as it is to focus on work to the exclusion of family. The key (obviously) is balance.
The last thing I'll say about this book is that a lot of what they talk about may sound like common sense, but it’s not common practice. Therefore, I'd strongly recommend that you read the book (or my preso) with an open mind and a determination to actually apply what you learn.
The other thing I found really helpful - and practical - about this book is that it acknowledges the importance of the work side of work-life balance. Many books on this topic make it seem that family should be such a priority in our lives that we are willing to sacrifice all else. The practical reality is that professional/work life and personal/family life offer different rewards and different forms of fulfillment. Therefore, it's just as dangerous to focus on family to the exclusion of work as it is to focus on work to the exclusion of family. The key (obviously) is balance.
The last thing I'll say about this book is that a lot of what they talk about may sound like common sense, but it’s not common practice. Therefore, I'd strongly recommend that you read the book (or my preso) with an open mind and a determination to actually apply what you learn.
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