Fireproof

Last night, my wife and I watched the movie Fireproof (see official web site along with Wikipedia entry).  I heard about the movie the other day while listening to Catholic radio and was able to get it at a local DVDPlay location.  The movie is super-cheesy and a bit predictable but it has a great message regarding marriage and God.  In particular, the movie speaks to the need to never leave your marriage partner in a fire (much like firefighters in a real fire). Also, making something "fireproof" doesn't mean that the fire will never come.  It means that the object (in this case, marriage) will be able to withstand the fire when it does come.  As a follow-up to the movie, there is a Web site called fireproofmymarriage.com.

My wife tells me that I'm too serious - and that's certainly true.  But one thing that I'm incredibly serious about - and hope I never get less serious about - is my marriage.

The Law of Chastity

I taught a Sunday School class today on the Law of Chastity (also see here). For those of you not familiar with this topic, here is a quick refresher. Chastity is sexual purity. Those who are chaste are morally clean in their thoughts, words, and actions. Chastity means not having any sexual relations before marriage (see 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 and 1 Thessalonians 4:3, for example). It also means complete fidelity to husband or wife during marriage (see Exodus 20:14). This includes keeping our thoughts clean (see Matthew 5:27-28).

This can be a bit of an awkward topic - especially at church. Things got off to a slow start but the discussion ended up being pretty good. I incorporated some of the recent research I did on divorce rates (see prior post) in the context of chastity before marriage. I have to admit that my opinions on that topic have changed a lot over the last year. I also asked people to think about a statement by Alma (a Book of Mormon prophet) that sexual sins are more serious than any other sins except murder and denying the Holy Ghost (see Alma 39:3-5). After marriage, I could see how this could be true. I haven't fully reconciled that severity for myself in the context of premarital relations. As with other sins, though, sexual sins can be forgiven through the Atonement of Christ.

I have a really strong testimony of the Law of Chastity - especially in the context of marriage - and I pray that the Lord will continue to help me keep it in my marriage (especially as it pertains to inappropriate thoughts).

Divorce rate

A co-worker and I were discussing marriage the other day and I wondered out loud why the divorce rate is as high as it is in the United States. I had heard that the divorce rate is around 50% but never looked into why. The other night, I did a couple of Google searches on the topic and turned up some interesting information. On this site, I found out that 50% of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce, according to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri. According to enrichment journal on the divorce rate in America, the divorce rate in America for first marriage is 41%, 60% second marriages, and 73% for third marriages. In 2005, the National Fatherhood Initiative performed a national survey on marriage in America (see report). It's a long report but some of the more notable findings from my perspective were that the three leading causes of divorce were: “lack of commitment” of one or both spouses, “too much conflict and arguing”and “infidelity.” Other frequently cited reasons were “married too young,” “unrealistic expectations,”“lack of preparation,” and“inequality.”

Two questions on the survey asked ever-divorced respondents (a) if they wished that they, themselves, had worked harder to save the marriage, and (b) if they wished their ex-spouse had done so. Only about a third of the respondents answered no to both questions, and 62 percent of both the ex-husbands and the ex-wives answered yes to the question about their ex-spouse’s efforts. Neither this finding nor the fact that “lack of commitment” was the most frequently chosen reason for the respondents’ divorces is consistent with the claim made by some commentators on American marriage that most divorces occur only after the spouses have done their best to make the marriage work.

Another unexpected finding from the survey related to cohabitation.

During the past several years, a majority of American couples who married were living with one another before they married, and the belief that it is a good idea to live with someone before deciding to marry that person has become widespread. The reasoning is that if couples test their compatibility by living together before they marry, many bad marriages will be prevented. It is indeed likely that a good many couples have decided not to marry after discovering that they do not get along well in a cohabiting relationship. Nevertheless, numerous recent studies have shown that couples who live together before marriage are more likely to divorce than those who do not cohabit premaritally. The NFIMS findings shown in Figure 13 add to the findings that premarital cohabitation is not associated with marital success, though the marriages of those who live together only after they have decided to marry apparently turn out better on the average than the marriages of couples who decide to marry while they are cohabiting. There is agreement among researchers who have studied this topic that the marriages of persons who live together before marriage turn out poorly on the average partly because of the kinds of persons who cohabit. These persons tend to be nontraditional in their attitudes, and nontraditional attitudes are not conducive to marital success. It is also possible that the cohabitation itself has negative effects on marriage. For instance, a casual decision to live with someone may start a process that ends with marriage to that person, even though more suitable partners are available. That is, cohabitation may often be a form of “premature entanglement,” which limits the person’s ability to circulate “on the marriage market” to test his or her desirability on the market and to find a highly suitable partner.

In Figure 13 (referenced above), we find out that couples that did not cohabit prior to marriage are 2x more likely to have marital success than those who did cohabit before getting engaged and about 1.5x more likely than those who decided to cohabit after getting engaged.

There was lots of good information available on divorcereform.org (although the site doesn't appear to be functional at the moment). Some of the things I remember seeing there was data that indicated that people who get married young (in their teens or early twenties) have the highest divorce rate. There was a "peak marriage period" from 23 to 28 years old (give or take a year) where marriages were the most successful. And then divorce rate went back up for marriages after 30 years old. There was a strong link between divorce rates going up overall and the introduction of "no fault divorces" about 25 years ago (perhaps this anti-Prop 8 video is onto something - even though the true intent of the video is satire of those favoring traditional marriage). And there was a LA Times article from around 2000 that said that the divorce rate for those who get married in LDS temples is about 6% whereas LDS marriages outside the temple experience the same divorce rate as the general population.

I'm sure I've only scratched the surface of this topic but some interesting findings to consider.

Why men cheat

I read an interesting article today about why men cheat on their wives.  It contradicts a lot of the conventional wisdom on the topic (i.e., that cheating is all about sex with a prettier woman).  Marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman just published a book on this subject called "The Truth About Cheating".  In the book, Gary says that ninety-two percent of men said it wasn't primarily about the sex.  "The majority said it was an emotional disconnection, specifically a sense of feeling underappreciated. A lack of thoughtful gestures," Gary says. "Men are very emotional beings. They just don't look like that. Or they don't seem like that. Or they don't tell you that."  Gary also found that 88 percent of the men surveyed said the other women were no better looking or in no better shape than their own wives.   Here's one additional excerpt from the article:

Josh says he cheated on his wife, Jennifer, because he felt underappreciated at home and started feeling insecure. "That insecurity was really the catalyst," he says. "I didn't feel comfortable going to the one person in the world I should be going to, which is my wife." With daily worries like bills, children and chores, Gary says it's easy for couples to drift away from appreciating one another like they should. Gary says the other woman often makes the man feel better about himself. "[She] makes them feel different. Makes them feel appreciated, admired," he says. "Men look strong, look powerful and capable. But on the inside, they're insecure like everybody else. They're searching and looking for somebody to build them up to make them feel valued." ... Don't be afraid to praise your partner or tell him that you appreciate what he does, Gary says. "We get married because we want one person in the world to really think we're wonderful for doing all the things that we do. We all want the same thing," he says. "And the more we give it, the more we get it in return."

Anyway, very interesting stuff.

11 years

Yesterday was my 11th wedding anniversary. I can say the same thing about both yesterday and the day I got married - “I believe today is the happiest day of my life so far, and also the worst day of the rest of my life” (borrowed from a friend of mine). While there have been ups and downs along the way, I can say unequivocally that my life with my wife just keeps getting better and better. I truly found my soulmate and I can't put into words how grateful I am for that in my life.

Awhile ago, my wife and I participated in a marriage class at church. One of the assignments was to write down a list of things that you loved about your spouse. I've been meaning to post my list but didn't get around to it. Now I can't find the piece of paper but it's not hard to recreate. Here is a handful of things I love about my wife: she has always supported me and been understanding of my shortcomings; she is kind and compassionate; she is a good listener; she follows her instincts as a mother; she is smart; and she loves me unconditionally. There are so many other things I could say but I think those are the main ones.

I met my wife in 1992 and we got married in 1997. As a fun thing, I gave my wife this summary yesterday of what was hot back when we met and got married. It's hard to believe that when we met, Aladdin was the #1 movie of the year and grunge was the height of fashion. Has it really been that long? =)

I'm all in

Part one of the "temple tour" is complete. For those of you who like to cut to the chase, here are the key takeaways. I now know that I know. I will bear my testimony of that at the December 2 fast & testimony meeting (even though I won't be a member at that point). Future temple visits and discussions will focus on (a) how to maintain and deepen my testimony & commitment once I come out of the "honeymoon period" with the Church and (b) how to be ready for what will be asked of me. As an aside, if there was any doubt before, I have officially lost my mind - but it's a very good thing.

I'm guessing at least one of you is interested in the details so here you go. Today, I visited the Fresno temple with my wife's uncle (GH) - see previous post for rationale. I fasted for the visit - which was both easier and harder than I had predicted - although the level of difficulty is mostly irrelevant since fasting was asked of me so I didn't have any choice in the matter. During the visit, I met the President of the California Fresno Mission along with the First Counselor of the Fresno Temple (FCF, who also happened to have served as a Mission President in Australia and whose birthday is the day after I'm planning to be baptized). The Fresno Mission President (PB) was formerly the Stake President in Utah for my sister-in-law NR (the one who led to my first spiritual experience with the Church 14 years ago) and her husband. He also happened to know the California San Francisco Mission President (who I met with 8 days ago) and called him prior to my visit. GH's great-grandfather joined the Church in October 1830 - 6 months after it was established - and probably knew Joseph Smith personally. And, during the visit, I also happened to meet a couple who are friends of my mother-in-law and father-in-law from a number of years ago. All purely coincidence? I personally don't think so but others can make their own judgments.

In terms of the visit itself, GH and I met PB outside of the Temple at 11am. I asked GH to start us off with a prayer - which he graciously accommodated. We chatted for a little bit before entering the lobby of the Temple. PB introduced me to FCF and the three of us talked for about a half hour. During that conversation, PB and FCF talked about different aspects of temples along with various Church beliefs. After awhile, they asked me if there were any specific questions they could answer and I said "no". In fact, I said that, as they were talking, I felt that they were "preaching to the converted" and that perhaps that feeling was the point of my visit to this particular Temple. Making that statement was basically when I knew that I knew. [As an aside, if you haven't heard or read the "Knowing That We Know" talk from the last General Conference, definitely check it out if you're interested in building a personal testimony.]

After this discussion with FCF, PB and I took a short walk around the grounds. We talked about the "Knowing That We Know" talk. I also told him that I have a feeling that God will ask a great deal from me - especially given the stature of people he is sending to me now - and that thought was both humbling and scary. Specifically, I'm concerned that I won't have the right level of enthusiasm (or attitude) at the time (due to other considerations in my life like work or family) and/or that I won't have the ability to live up to the calling. PB had some very helpful and comforting insights in this regard. He shared that he has had callings of his own that he feared his wasn't qualified for or that there had been a mistake in the revelation that had been received - but in all of those instances, God had given him the strength and ability that he needed to fulfill his responsibilities.

I hate to make a gambling analogy is the context of religion but it's been in my head all day. Both during and after the visit, the phrase "I'm all in" kept going through my mind. I was taking all my chips and making this bet, this leap of faith, on the Church. There are still a number of things I don't know about the Church, the Book of Mormon, etc but I'm betting all my chips. I'm "all in" at this point.

That's everything for the Temple visit itself. During the 3-hour drive home, I had time to reflect on what had happened today. During that drive, I came to some additional conclusions (that I believe are at the prompting of the Spirit). First, I have three more temple visits before I get baptized (Sacramento, Oakland, and DC). Given the fact that I now have a testimony, what am I supposed to get out of those others visits? I don't know for sure but I believe one aspect of that is trying to answer two questions: (a) how to maintain and deepen my testimony & commitment once I come out of the "honeymoon period" with the Church and (b) how to be ready for what will be asked of me. In terms of the first question, I was talking to my brother-in-law JG last night and he compared a testimony to a marriage. In his case, he was comparing the question "when did you know that you know?" to "when did you know that you love your wife?" But that got me thinking more broadly about testimony and commitment building in the context of marriage. In particular, I was thinking about how many people have the misconception that if you find the right person to marry, everything else should come totally naturally and that you'll live "happily ever after". In reality, having a strong marriage takes a lot of work, particularly after you get past the excitement of the "honeymoon period" and settle into regular, day-to-day life. At that point, it becomes easy to take the marriage for granted and invest your energies in other areas of your life when in reality the marriage needs more (not less) attention at each subsequent stage.

And, second, I decided to bear my testimony at the next fast & testimony meeting on Sunday, December 2. That is coincidentally the day after I'm planning to visit the Sacramento and Oakland temples. While potentially odd (since I won't be a member at that point), the rationale is multi-fold: (a) serve as a forcing function and test of my testimony, (b) help reinforce or build the testimony of others, and (c) help ward off evil. This last element may not be immediately obvious. Multiple people have told me that Satan works hardest on people during the period in between when they decide to be baptized and when the baptism actually occurs. Given the long delay between now and January 19, I may be especially exposed in that regard. Which also means that I can most use the help and support of others - hence the public proclamation on December 2 (and a similar proclamation and request for help here in this blog).

One final thought. I would have never requested that GH have a stroke and almost die (multiple times). But I am personally grateful that happened in his life. Had it not, I would have never taken a personal interest in GH and his wife PH - and today's experience wouldn't have been possible. At some point in the future, it's possible that I still would have gained a testimony of the Church. It's possible that I would come to know that I know. But I personally believe that it was supposed to happen today in this way - that in the grand scheme of things all of these things (including GH's health struggles) have happened for a reason. And at least today, that reason was to help me build my testimony. So I am grateful for that and continue to be in awe of the interconnectedness of our lives.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Family meetings

Every Sunday morning, we have a family meeting. It's a tradition that my wife started a couple of months ago and so far it's been a big success. I'd certainly advocate the tradition for any family - whether they have kids or not. The meetings are a built-in time to check in, connect as a family, and discuss pertinent ideas or issues. For our meetings, the stated purposes are:

• To give compliments
• To help each other
• To solve problems
• To plan family activities

The kids (particularly JD) really seem excited and empowered by the meetings. Some of the topics JD has asked to discuss are how we can show people we love them, what we can do if someone is not being nice, and how we can keep loving each other even if we have an argument. For each topic, we brainstormed a set of possible solutions and then posted a sign on the door. For example, on April 22, we came up with this set of suggestions if someone isn't being nice:

• Move away, run away, or leave
• Tell the person how it makes you feel
• Tell the person it's not ok to not be nice
• Make an angry face
• Use words. Ask the person if something is wrong, why they're not being nice, and how you can help them feel better.
• Don't have to be not nice back.

Regarding how we can keep loving each other even if we have an argument, here's the list we came up with on May 13:

• Be nice
• Say "sorry"
• Play a game
• Say "I love you"
• Give a kiss
• Be good
• Give a hug
• Be nice and love
• Read a book
• Share a toy

Prior to having kids (and especially after JD and AJ were born), my wife and I had family meetings of our own where we could discuss how things were going for each other and how we could support each other better. We still try to have those "adult-only meetings" once a week - usually while taking a walk - and it makes a big difference in our marriage.

First day of kindergarten

Today was JD's first day of kindergarten. It seemed to go well. The program is dual immersion English-Spanish and 90% of the instruction in kindergarten is in Spanish (but becomes 50/50 by fifth grade). So I think JD was a little mentally exhausted by the end of the day (with all the Spanish being thrown at him) but that was part of the point of putting him in this program. He probably wouldn't be challenged by a regular kindergarten program given where he is right now with reading, math, and verbal communication.

Anyway, I took the day off so I could take JD to school in the morning and pick him up at lunchtime. Given work, I don't know how often I'll be able to do that for him so I figured this was a good day to make it happen. Who knows if it made any difference to JD (he just ran right into class and started exploring the classroom; no clinging or hesitation) but it was a symbolic gesture on my part. It was my way of saying to him that he's important to me and that I want to support him - even if I can't be there all the time.

As luck would have it (or perhaps everything happens for a reason), one of the energy blogs I follow had a personal post today. In it, the blogger (who has a full-time job and family) was discussing the fact that his blog is taking up too much of his time and putting a strain on his family. This excerpt resonated with me:

This past week, my 11-year-old son watched a movie that he really liked. I told him, "Yeah, I have been meaning to watch that with you." He then looked at me, and asked "But why didn't you?"

I know I'm making choices in my life that prevent me from doing every little thing with my kids (or my wife). But I certainly don't want to get to one of these gut-wrenching moments when it becomes perfectly clear your priorities have been in the wrong place for a long while. Hopefully this forum of people can keep me honest in that regard and I can do enough stuff along the way to be an integral part of my kids' lives while also accomplishing something meaningful in other parts of my life (particularly my marriage and career).

Tenth wedding anniversary

This weekend, my wife and I had the opportunity to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary. Our anniversary itself isn't for another two weeks but my parents are in town and agreed to take the kids for 48 hours so we could get away and celebrate (THANKS!). We certainly took full advantage of the opportunity and piled a lot of different activities into two days. On Saturday, we checked in at the Clift Hotel and did some shopping before dinner at Asia de Cuba. Then we headed next door for Jersey Boys at the Curran Theatre. The show was awesome and I definitely recommend it to anyone in the Bay Area or NYC.

On Sunday morning, we worked out at the hotel fitness center, got some breakfast, and did a little more shopping. Then we headed over to Mill Valley (north of the Golden Gate Bridge). Had a nice lunch and did a little shopping before having a massage for two at the Tea Garden Springs. It was the Heaven's Door room and you get a jacuzzi for two for 30 minutes before having side-by-side one-hour massages. Then it was off to the Mountain Home Inn - a quaint inn near Muir Woods. That night, we had a quiet dinner at the inn and setup a fire in our fireplace. We also attempted to watch a movie on my laptop (no TVs) but fell asleep in the middle.

The following morning, my wife used the jacuzzi in our room for a bit and then we had a nice breakfast. Then we did a 3.5 mile hike (roundtrip) from the inn to the East Peak of Mount Tamalpais. The view from the top is supposed to be the best in the Bay Area. We could see around for at least a 50 mile radius - including San Francisco, East Bay, and the Pacific Ocean. Definitely recommend it - even if you drive directly to the top. Afterwards, we did a hike from the inn through Muir Woods (roughly another 4 miles roundtrip). So we certainly got a lot of exercise yesterday morning but we also had lots of time to talk. It also reminded us of a lot of the walks we did during our honeymoon through Acadia National Park during our honeymoon.

All in all, I couldn't have asked for a more perfect anniversary celebration. Thanks again to my parents for making it possible! And thanks to my wife for ten awesome years of marriage - with many more to come.

Keeping romance alive

I just read a good article on ParentCenter about different things that married couples do to keep romance alive after they have kids. It's definitely a tough thing to do but it's also really important. Most of the articles on ParentCenter are pretty poor in my opinion but there are some good ideas in this particular article.

Marriage Partnership

For Christmas, I bought my wife a subscription to Marriage Partnership. In the first issue we received, there was a good article about "couples devotional":

No amount of being religious can replace the time a couple spends in shared prayer. Research shows that couples who frequently pray together are twice as likely as those who pray less often to describe their marriages as being highly romantic. And couples who pray together are 90 percent more likely to report higher satisfaction with sex than couples who don't pray together. Because of the vulnerability it demands, prayer draws a couple closer.

If prayer is so good for marriage, why don't more couples do it? Because it's not easy and the price of that vulnerability can seem too high ... We've become convinced that the most desperate need in many marriages is not for more excitement or activity, but for depth. Try sojourning together toward communion with God. Then your aching urge to be connected - soul to soul - will be satisfied.

There was also a good quote from Trent Dilfer, quarterback of the Cleveland Browns. He said, "People are often enamored with my Super Bowl ring. But it's my wedding ring that I'm most proud of. Having a good marriage takes even more work than winning a Super Bowl."

Marriage in decline?

My father-in-law sent me this editorial from the Salt Lake Tribune entitled "Marriage faces inevitable decline in face of 'me' generation". It's a fairly interesting piece - a little too extreme relative to my own position on some of these topics but still thought-provoking. I was a little surprised that married couples are the minority in America today. Certainly more and more people are waiting in life to both get married and have kids - and having less kids than in the past. From a sustainability perspective, having less kids (or no kids) is potentially a good thing. It puts less pressure on the Earth's resources and our environment. On the other hand, it places a greater economic burden on the newer generation since there are less of them to support the ever-growing needs of older, longer-living generations at-or-near retirement.

Here's an interesting question. Is it better to have lots of people rush into marriage but have a 50% divorce rate? Or is it better for people to wait, potentially have sex outside of marriage, and get married once they're ready (if ever)? No easy answers here.

How do I love thee?

I was going through a stack of papers tonight and I came across an old note from my wife. It was a pink sheet of paper and "How Do I Love Thee? Let me count the ways..." is printed across the top. Then she filled in the following:

• You are a great dad


• You spend lots of time with JD and AJ


• You have a very kind heart


• You work hard on improving yourself


• You are very handsome


• You have a great voice


• You take care of all of us


• You work hard to support us


• You help take care of the house


• You are honest


• You are kind to animals


• You are faithful


• You are incredibly smart


• Yet, you are humble


• You are generous with time and money


• You read with your kids


• You don't laugh at my silly fears


• You have terrific hair and lips


• You are gentle

I'm so lucky to have such a supportive spouse. My wife rocks (see also this post). I wouldn't be the person I am today without my wife and I couldn't have accomplished many of the things I've accomplished without her either. Her support means more than I can explain.

Mother's Day

Today is my wife's 4th Mother's Day (as a Mom). I'm so glad that JD and AJ have my wife as their mother. She's confident in her parenting and grounded in her approach. She lets the kids be kids and discover things on their own and at their own pace. She also sets appropriate limits and boundaries. The more I interact with other parents (especially here in Silicon Valley), the more rare I can see these qualities are. The kids are blessed. I am blessed.

My wife and I make our marriage a priority. We feel like the single best gift that we can give our kids is the knowledge that their parents love each other and nothing will tear them apart. With that foundation, they should have the confidence to try or do just about anything. Between an incredibly involved aunt and some wonderful babysitters, my wife and I have the opportunity to go out together (for some private time) on a regular basis. That is also a great blessing. Ironically, I think some parents put so much time and energy into their kids that they neglect their marriage. A co-worker once told me that kids either bring a couple even closer together or amplify marital problems that were previously neglected. I think both are true. Kids bring you closer together, amplify old marital problems, and create entirely new ones. It's a lot of stress on the individual parents and their relationship. That's why I think it's so important to make the marriage a priority, to proactively address issues before they fester and undermine the marriage.

In Having It All ... And Making It Work (see this post), the authors observe that "We have discovered that many working professionals and emerging leaders struggle to achieve balance. We also see evidence that chronic imbalance causes serious problems at work and at home. Sadly, some people live in denial, at least until they experience a major wakeup call. They believe that problems in their personal lives with marriage and family relationships won’t affect their work or that problems at work won’t affect their family lives, but invariably an imbalance in one domain affects the other.” In the context of marriage and parenting, I would add "Sadly, some people live in denial, at least until they experience a major wakeup call. They believe that problems in their marriage won’t affect their kids or that problems with their kids won’t affect their marriage, but invariably an imbalance in one domain affects the other.” My wife taught me this. All the more reason I'm so happy I'm married to her and that she's the mother of my children.

Sexless smooching

While on the topic of depression, there's a quick blurb in Men's Health magazine about the importance of intimacy with your spouse. Specifically:

A new survey shows that couples who don't kiss frequently in nonsexual situations are eight times more likely to feel stressed or depressed compared with frequent smoochers. The survey of 3,300 people for the Berman Center found a strong correlation between relationship intimacy and the frequency of nonsexual kissing and cuddling ... Snuggling, says [therapist Laura Berman Ph.D.], may trigger the release of oxytocin, "the chemical of attachment," which leads to a feeling of closeness.

Just one more reason to kiss my wife as often as possible. =)

My wife rocks

This afternoon, my wife sent me a quick email entitled "you rock" saying "I just want to tell you how much I love you and how much I enjoy sharing my life with you. You rock!". Today was kind of crazy at work but that simple statement changed my whole day. It's funny ... there have been so many times that I want to tell my wife how I truly feel about her but only the words "I love you" come out. There's so much more to it than that but I simply can't put it into words. It's simply an amazing feeling to know you've found your soul mate, someone you can share your ups and down with and rely on no matter what.

Ten commandments of Dad

Men's Health magazine had an interesting article called "The 10 Commandments of Dad". Out of the ten commandments listed, the ones I liked the best were:

X. This is Their Life, Not a Second Chance at Yours
I can’t say it any better than one of the most eminent psychiatrists of our time, Bruno Bettelheim: "We become upset when we believe we see in a child aspects of our own personalities of which we disapprove." Bang! On the money! It’s tempting to make good on your own shortcomings through your children. Just because you didn’t make the varsity at North Salem High that doesn’t mean Stan Jr. has to. Help them follow their own path, not your road-not-taken.

XI . Love Their Mother
One extra commandment. Hug Mom. Often. In front of the kids. Sure, sometimes marriages end, but the obligation to a woman doesn’t. Be grateful to her. Speak to her with respect. Try to make her laugh. Listen. You can figure out how to love her.

The other quote in the article I really liked was "F. Scott Fitzgerald said the sign of a first-rate mind was the ability to have two opposite opinions at the same time". Being a Dad is complicated business and there are a lot of mixed messages out there.

The economic value of a happy marriage

An article called "Happiness Inc." in the March 18-19, 2006 issue of the Wall Street Journal caught my eye - but I only just now read it. The most interesting portion of the article was research that David Blanchflower, a Dartmouth College economics professor, is doing to put a price on happiness. Blanchflower has "analyzed survey data covering tens of thousands of people in 35 nations, and cross-referenced the results with various economic data such as workers' wages and people's standard of living. He then sought to put a dollar figure on the value of a healthy, stable relationship. One study that he co-authored found that if you're single or in a miserable marriage, you'd need to earn $100,000 more each year to be as happy as a happily married person. His research also showed that if you have sex just once a month, you'd need to earn $50,000 more a year to be as happy as someone having sex once a week with a monogamous partner." Fascinating stuff. So, after eight and a half years of marriage, I'm already a millionaire!