Got the A

I checked my grade last night for my online religion course. I got an A. I actually got 253 points out of a possible 250. The only thing I didn't get the highest possible score on (or higher) was the Judiasm Part 2 reflection that I got 8/10 on. I have to admit, I was genuinely excited when I saw my score on the final paper/exam and my score/grade for the class. But, the more interesting question is why? I don't need this class credit for anything. No one will ever see my transcript for this class. And most people will never know I even took it. So why would I care about the grade at all? Isn't my newfound knowledge of the world's religions sufficient reward for taking this class? Isn't it enough to know that I did a good job without needing a grade to prove it?

Part of the answer is that there was a time when my grades really did matter - and it's hard to turn off that instinct now. As I put it in an earlier post, I am a "recovering perfectionist". In a larger context, however, when I was younger, I constantly sought the approval of others - particularly my father. There's still a part of me that does that today. I want the gold star and the pat on the back. I want someone else to tell me that I'm good even I already know it. That's not entirely a bad thing but it's probably more bad than good. In the language of a self-assessment course I took at HBS, I need to continue to move from being "other-directed" to being "self-directed". I've made some solid progress in this area - especially since high school - but the process continues.