The Functional Family

On a flight today, I read through this article from the February 2009 issue of Ensign magazine.  Examples abound of dysfunctional families.  This author tried to lay out some principles of functional families based on his experience as a professional counselor.  He was also trying to provide some specificity regarding how to implement what the Lord has commanded us to do in D&C 93:40: "I have commanded you to bring up your children in light and truth."  Here are relevant excerpts from the article:

In the functional family, parents focus their energy on teaching their children correct principles and allowing them to exercise their agency ... Sometimes as parents we slip into the role of a manager seeking to control our children because we expect a desired result. The problem with this approach is that children resist coercion or compulsion, especially as they get older. We will be more effective the less we act as managers and the more we act as coaches, consultants, and guides. That means that we teach our children correct principles and, as their maturity and experience allow, continue to grant them greater latitude to make choices and reap the consequences.

In the functional family, parents intentionally strengthen their families. This means that you regularly and privately ponder each child’s needs and assess them against the overall needs of the family ... Intentionally focusing on your family also means you think about the impact of what you say or do not say to your children. As parents, you begin sending messages about how you feel about your children from the minute they are born. These messages include your words, actions, and attitudes, whether you mean to or not. All of these messages shape how children come to view themselves.

In the functional family, relationships are of supreme importance. It is a good idea to regularly examine the condition of each relationship in the family ... One thing I’ve learned is that relationships usually don’t get better accidentally; rather, they improve when we make that result a priority.

Try to invest time in the relationship in obvious ways. Here are some things I’ve tried that may work for you: talk together; play together; spend one-on-one time together; send letters, cards, or notes sharing your affection; give compliments; do something fun and unexpected; say, “I love you”; listen to the other person; ask him or her to help you on a project; share personal feelings. All of these require that you personally get engaged in things the other person is doing. Afterward, talk about your efforts with your spouse during your family discussion time. You might be surprised at how far-reaching your positive influence can be.

In the functional family, parents are active teachers ... We need to consider what we teach and how we teach. For example, when holding family discussion time, you might ask, “What do we want to teach in our family in the next few months? How, when, and where do we want to teach it?” Consider writing the answers down as family goals and posting them prominently so you remember them. Then follow through with your goals.

What else might you teach? Anything you think your family needs to learn. Some topics include courtesy, honesty, prayer, scripture study, finances and getting out of debt, mutual respect in the family, how to use time effectively, how to manage angry feelings, the importance of education, and the need for all family members to do their share within the home.

In the functional family, parents lead by example. Children are always watching and observing our behavior, whether we know it or not ... Remember, our children want their parents to set an example of a person who has a clear sense of direction on personal as well as spiritual matters. We as parents need to live worthy of the guidance of the Holy Ghost at all times, especially when things get tough.

Finally, in the functional family, parents teach their children faith in our Heavenly Father and in the Lord Jesus Christ ... “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” states, “Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ.”

Remember to be patient with yourself and your family members. Relationships usually improve in stages, not overnight. Strengthening them requires time and effort. However, as you strive to have a functional family based on the teachings of our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and His restored gospel, you will provide your family the best opportunity you can to grow closer together and to face challenges with a greater sense of harmony and happiness.

As a family, I think we're doing a reasonable job on these fronts but there is plenty of room for improvement - particularly by me.