World War II Memorial

During this trip to DC, we took the kids down to the Air & Space and Natural History museums. After the Natural History museum, we walked down to the World War II memorial since I had not seen it before. I was impressed with the new memorial and thought it was a fitting tribute to our veterans from that war. I especially liked this photo taken by my mother that day. It's too bad I don't get to play tourist more often in our nation's capital.

My Christmas Wish

This Christmas, my sincere wish is that the necessary healing and forgiveness will take place within my family and my wife's family that we might all be joyful to always be together as eternal families. This has been my consistent prayer over the last couple of days and my prayer to my Heavenly Father this morning at the Washington, DC temple. I have faith that this prayer will be answered, if not in this life then in the life hereafter.

The exact nature of my family's challenges and those of my wife's family are not appropriate to share in this post. A year and a half ago (see prior post), my brother-in-law JG gave a talk in which he said:

We may think that other people live blessed and charmed lives. What is more likely true is that those people keep their pain and suffering to themselves, and choose not to be miserable. It is interesting that whenever I get to know a charmed person well enough, I inevitably find that there are many troubles the person is dealing with below the surface. I have not yet found a person with whom I would change places, trading my troubles for their troubles. Our troubles our uniquely suited to help us develop.

The families I am a part of are no different in this regard. We have our troubles - significant troubles - but I believe that they are uniquely suited to help us develop. In the premortal life, we chose to come to this Earth to learn and to grow and to be challenged. We may have picked our parents - or perhaps they picked us - but I'm confident we had some say in the matter. There is an important reason why we are together as a family unit and why, at this point in our lives, we face an important decision regarding how we want our family unit to go forward - whether we want to choose to fight to stay together or whether we will choose to drift apart. Right now, I think most family members would choose the latter option. Reconciliation - true, heartfelt, joyful reconciliation - seems almost impossible. It would be almost foolish to hope for, as much as we might wish for it in our hearts. But, this Christmas, as we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, I testify that our Savior lives, that He loves each of us, and, through His atoning sacrifice, we may be forgiven of ours sins. Let us follow His supreme example and forgive ourselves and our loved ones and come together as a family.

Let me take a moment to be clear on a couple of key points. First, I know I am speaking in religious terms (and specifically LDS terms) when I speak of eternal families, premortal existence, and Jesus Christ. For those of you who do not believe in these things, please focus on the spirit of what I'm saying and not on the specific terms I'm using to articulate it. Independent of our individual religious beliefs, my wish remains the same - that healing and forgiveness may occur and that we may be joyful to be families (independent of whether or not you believe those families transcend death). Second, when I speak of forgiveness, I am not saying that we need to forget what has happened in the past or pretend that everything is ok when it's not. I'm also not saying that we shouldn't maintain appropriate boundaries, take necessary precautions, or take action when loved ones transgress against us. I am not saying that others do not need to take responsibility for what they have done or how they continue to act; or that others will not be judged on the totality of their lives. What I am saying is that we need to free up and put to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. We need to rediscover the strengths we have always had and relocate our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.

My brother-in-law DE is fond of the scripture "the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32). I would agree. I am not saying we need to "air our dirty laundry" to the whole world to see. I don't think that would be appropriate. But I do feel strongly that there needs to be open and honest communication among family members - between parents and children and between spouses - regarding the truth of the past and the present. I believe this is essential to the healing process. A couple years ago, I spent two full days asking my parents very personal, sensitive, and penetrating questions about the past. I know that experience was quite challenging and emotional for my parents. I know I dug up old memories and "family secrets" they had carefully buried over the years. And I know they likely still live with scars from those "interviews". But I can say, without any reservation, that those discussions were transformational for me. The entire way I viewed my parents changed over those two days. At a time that I was ready to abandon my relationship with my parents, I gained a conviction that I wanted them in my life and the lives of my children. I was reminded - or more aptly discovered - how deeply they love me. And I forgave them for pain I carried around in my heart for many years. I thank them - from the bottom of my heart - for fighting for our family (even though at the time it probably didn't feel that way to them). The lines of communication have since closed a bit - certain topics, for example, are explicitly off-limits - but I am hopeful the lines of communication will open back up even if that causes occasional discomfort. I am also hopeful that there will be open lines of communication within my wife's family (and extended family) that the truth might make them free.

One quick message specifically to my parents and my wife's parents. You are children of parents as well and I know you have unresolved issues with your own parents (or your in-laws). Healing with your children can only be complete and everlasting if you also heal your relationships with your parents (whether they are living or not). None of us can change our past but we each have control over how we will let the past infiltrate our present and affect our future decisions.

In terms of why I believe this Christmas wish will be answered, I will quickly share a couple of personal experiences from the last few days. Shortly after I arrived here in Bethesda, I decided to do some raking so my father wouldn't need to do it this past weekend. My parents have a large lot and a great number of trees - hence many leaves to be cleared. In the midst of this project, I was thinking about my family and my wife's family and the seed of this post formed and become clear. At one point, I felt compelled to pray that healing might come to our families. Right after that, without any prompting from me, my mother, wife, and two sons came out to help me rake. Working as a family (my father was at work), we finished the project just as it was getting dark. There is no way I could have completed this project on my own and I took the rest of my family coming out when they did as a sign that my prayer had been heard.

Yesterday morning, I began fasting for my trip to the Washington temple today. Right after I began fasting, I felt that I wouldn't be able to make it through. I felt sick, lightheaded, and unable to focus. This fast was much harder than the ones before it. But, I resolved that I would complete the fast as planned. This morning, I felt fine - quite well actually. When I offered my prayer at the temple, I received the same confirmation I received at the Oakland temple (see prior post). I also don't think it's a coincidence that one of the missionaries at the Visitor's Center quoted the same scripture to me and my wife that I quoted to my mother the other night (Alma 7:9-12). I took this as a sign that healing and joy would indeed come to my family and my wife's family over time but that there would be challenges and discomfort along the way and that we would each need to resolve to overcome those challenges.

Finally, when I first came out to DC for this visit, I had no idea what I was supposed to get out of visiting this temple. The first morning we were here, my wife and my father had a "run-in" (and subsequent discussion) that got me thinking about all of this. It continues to amaze me to see how the Lord works through others in our lives.

As with all of my recent spiritual experiences, you could argue that I am reading into these events more than I should or that it's all wishful thinking. And, you might be right. But it doesn't change the strength of my convictions or my belief that our families are worth fighting for and that we will only find true happiness if we heal ourselves and heal our relationships with one another.

With that, Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Sept 11, 2001

My wife and I just watched the movie "World Trade Center" on DVD. My brother lived in NYC at that time. I had already moved out to California after having graduated from business school the prior summer. I remember getting a call from my mother early that morning. Given the time difference, the call woke me up. My mom said that she was calling to let me know that my brother was ok. My immediate response was "why wouldn't he be ok?" She then described the planes crashing into the buildings but none of it made any sense. I got up and turned on CNN. The coverage was surreal. I couldn't even process it all - especially when I saw the twin towers collapse. But I was so thankful to know that my brother was ok. As disturbing as that day's events were, I was glad my brother was ok. I feel selfish saying that given the amount of loss other people experienced that day but that's how I felt. My brother was all that mattered to me. I couldn't even process the rest.

After the movie, I told my wife that I loved her. I also told her that if anything unexpected every happened to me, I wanted her to know that I knew in my heart that we would be together again. Nothing, including death, would be able to seperate the two of us or seperate us from our kids. I am very thankful for that.

Fasting

Many faiths practice the combination of fasting and prayer. Fasting helps us become more attuned to the Spirit and also helps us be more empathetic to the needs of those less fortunate. For each of my temple trips (see here and here), I fasted that I might build my testimony - and those prayers were answered. In discussing the visit to the Oakland temple, I wrote:

My brother-in-law TR got laid off unexpectedly from his job just before Thanksgiving. I decided to fast that he might find a new job and that this experience might help him in his life someway ... I prayed to begin my fast that it might help TR find a new position. TR hasn't found a new job yet but perhaps the later experience at the Oakland temple was God's way of telling me he had heard my prayer and that my fast would help TR in some small way.

Well, it turns out that this prayer was answered as well. During this particular fast, I had a meeting with the missionaries and mentioned that I was fasting (and what my purpose was). One of the missionaries (ER) said that his father runs a business in Utah and might be able to help - and he gave me his father's email address (even though, in general, ER's very reluctant to mix his personal life back in Utah with his missionary life here in California). To make a long story short, I found out on Friday night that TR is going to do some contract audio/video work for this company (on a program that ER started while he was working at his father's company prior to his mission). When I heard the news from NR, I remember thinking "wow, there really is something to this fasting thing." I knew it before (from the temple visits) but this experience really brought it home - and I am very grateful for that. It's one thing to see the Lord work in your own life. But it's even more humbling to see the Lord work through you to touch the life of someone you care about.

The Second Coming

In Primary yesterday, JD gave a short talk about Jesus Christ and the Second Coming (see PDF of talk). JD was very nervous when he got up to the microphone (in front of the teachers and the other kids) but he managed to gain his composure and get started with my help. Then he read the talk from there without further prompting from me. I was very proud of JD and, on a whole, I think he did well.

In terms of the speech itself, JD basically wrote it by himself. We found out on Friday night that JD would be speaking on Sunday. I was honestly worried about my ability to help him with this assignment - especially for a child audience. I wanted the talk to be in his words and based on his own understanding of the topic but assumed I'd need to guide him through every step of the process. But when I woke up the next morning, he was basically done with the speech. In the PDF linked above, I've included his handwritten rough draft (on page 2). Admittedly, he "borrowed" chunks of text from this board book. But he found the book on his own and selected the text on his own. Also, the other commentary is his. The only things I helped him with were (1) reminding him of reading John 3:16 a couple of months ago, (2) finding a picture of the Second Coming (above), and (3) helping him find the third scripture in the talk (from D&C). Other than that, JD did this entirely on his own - which I personally find very impressive.

37 minutes

This past Tuesday, I had to travel to Cincinnati for a business meeting. I had a business dinner with a potential partner that night so I was taking a 6:45am flight to get there in time. I set an alarm for 4am to give me enough time to wake up, get dressed, get to the airport, and get something to eat before my flight. I was up late the previous night doing work. I also had trouble falling asleep so I probably didn't fall asleep until about 2am. When the alarm went off at 4am, I thought I pressed the snooze button but, in actuality, had turned off the alarm. Later that morning, I woke up on my own at 5:28am. I know since I looked at the time on my cell phone right after I woke up and then went into a sudden panic about missing my flight. Luckily I had packed my bags and set out some clothes the prior night. I quickly got dressed, ran out the door, and drove as fast as I could to the airport (SFO). When I reached the gate, I looked at my watch and it was 6:05am. The flight didn't board for another 10 minutes.

I still don't understand how I got from home (in Mountain View) to the gate in so little time. According to Google Maps, it's a 23.5 mile drive from home to SFO. On the highway, I remember driving between 70 and 80 miles per hour. My (old) car can't really go faster than that. So, even if I averaged 70 miles per hour the entire way there (including time on surface streets), the drive alone would have taken 20 minutes. That leaves 17 minutes for everything else. I suppose that's possible. 3 minutes to get dressed and out the door. Say 6 minutes to get parked and up to security. And then 8 minutes to get through security and to the gate. Everything would have to go exactly right and it did.

A couple of reflections on this experience. As I was driving to the airport, I kept thinking "there's no way I'm going to make it". I then starting worrying about how I was going to explain this both internally to my co-workers and externally to the potential partner. I thought of a bunch of plausible excuses for missing the flight (e.g., up all night with sick kids, car trouble, etc). As I was doing this, though, I was reminded of the LDS temple interview questions. One of the questions is whether you have been honest in your dealings with others. So I resolved that if I missed the flight, I would tell the truth about it (even though that would have personal consequences). After that, I also remember thinking during the drive that I really needed to get back to reading my scriptures. Although on a severe lack of sleep, I read the Book of Mormon most of the flight to Cincinnati and was quite alert for it (perhaps given the adrenaline rush for the morning's activities). In the time since then, I've made a lot of progress with my reading and have renewed my commitment to finishing reading the Book of Mormon before my baptism in January. Ideally, I'd like to have it done by the time I return from visiting my parents in Washington, D.C. for the holidays (January 4).

I'll mention one more thing about this experience. Between 4am and 5:28am, I had an interesting dream. During one portion, I was talking to a group of people who were challenging me on why I was joining the Church. I remember responding "if it were up to me, do you really think I would have picked a religion with so many demands? One where you can't even drink? Come on, let's get serious here." And, then later, I was kissing a woman's neck (not my wife) and putting my arm around her waist from behind. But thinking the whole time, I need to stop - and that's when I woke up and saw what time it was. It's this latter part of my dream that motivated me to get back to reading the scriptures. Given everything that's been going on, I think I was thinking "my testimony is so strong right now that evil can't touch me" and that's just not true. There is SO much farther I need to go. I am inadequate in SO many ways.

In President Eyring's talk (see previous post), he says:

And the challenge to remember has always been the hardest for those who are blessed abundantly. Those who are faithful to God are protected and prospered. That comes as the result of serving God and keeping His commandments. But with those blessings comes the temptation to forget their source. It is easy to begin to feel the blessings were granted not by a loving God on whom we depend but by our own powers. The prophets have repeated this lament over and over:

“And thus we can behold how false, and also the unsteadiness of the hearts of the children of men; yea, we can see that the Lord in his great infinite goodness doth bless and prosper those who put their trust in him.

“Yea, and we may see at the very time when he doth prosper his people, yea, in the increase of their fields, their flocks and their herds, and in gold, and in silver, and in all manner of precious things of every kind and art; sparing their lives, and delivering them out of the hands of their enemies; softening the hearts of their enemies that they should not declare wars against them; yea, and in fine, doing all things for the welfare and happiness of his people; yea, then is the time that they do harden their hearts, and do forget the Lord their God, and do trample under their feet the Holy One—yea, and this because of their ease, and their exceedingly great prosperity.”

And the prophet goes on to say: “Yea, how quick to be lifted up in pride; yea, how quick to boast, and do all manner of that which is iniquity; and how slow are they to remember the Lord their God, and to give ear unto his counsels, yea, how slow to walk in wisdom’s paths!”

Over the last month or so, I have tried to keep God front-and-center in my thoughts and attribute everything that has happened to Him. But I have to admit there have been periods of pride where I felt superior to others or unshakeable in my new beliefs. And I think part of this early morning experience was meant to remind me that I need to be humble and always remember the source of the blessings in my life.

I also think this incident was meant to remind me of the hand the Lord plays in our lives. I was reminded of a prior post in which I briefly discussed this excerpt from the Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis:

Don't forget to use the "Heads I win, tails you lose" argument. If the thing he prays for doesn't happen, then that is one more proof that petitionary prayers don't work; if it does happen, he will, of course, be able to see some of the physical causes which led up to it, and "therefore it would have happened anyway," and thus a granted prayer becomes just as good a proof as a denied one that prayers are ineffective.

I could pretend that making this flight was my own doing. That I would have made it without God's help. But I would be wrong. The Lord saw fit for me to make it in time. He had a role to play in my life that day and I recognize that - and thank Him for it.

O Remember, Remember

Over the last month or so, I've had a number of relatively "dramatic" spiritual experiences associated with my upcoming baptism into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (see here, here, and here). And I also had a strong spiritual experience 14 years ago (see here). I've been wondering why my Heavenly Father would provide me with so many testimony-building experiences - and in such rapid succession - when others I know haven't had any. I am surely grateful for these experiences but also feel a bit uncomfortable to have these blessing bestowed upon me. I honestly don't feel worthy and a bit unprepared.

During the weekly church service today, two members were asked to discuss a recent talk given by President Henry B. Eyring called "O Remember, Remember". In it, President Eyring discusses how we should find ways to recognize and remember God’s kindness in our daily lives. At one point, he relays a personal experience in which he received this message: “I’m not giving you these experiences for yourself. Write them down.” And, there it was. The answer to my question. Perhaps the reason why I have been given these experiences - especially at this point in my life - is that I have this venue (my blog) to write about them and share them with others. In that way, my recent experiences have the ability to touch the lives of others.

First Vision

Last Saturday (December 1), I visited the Oakland and Sacramento LDS temples (see prior post for rationale). The most significant outcome of those visits was gaining a personal testimony of Joseph Smith's First Vision and that Joseph Smith was a prophet. When I bore my testimony last Sunday in front of the congregation (see prior post for rationale), I mentioned that I had previously intellectually known (or at least didn't actively disbelieve) these things but now knew in my heart that they were true.

Many of you probably don't know what the "First Vision" is so let me attempt to give some brief background - more here. When Joseph Smith was 14 years old, he was trying to decide which Christian denomination to join. While reading the Bible, he came across James 1:5: "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him". Joseph decided to put this promise to the test. In the Joseph Smith History 1:12-13, it says:

12 Never did any passage of scripture come with more power to the heart of man than this did at this time to mine. It seemed to enter with great force into every feeling of my heart. I reflected on it again and again, knowing that if any person needed wisdom from God, I did; for how to act I did not know, and unless I could get more wisdom than I then had, I would never know; for the teachers of religion of the different sects understood the same passages of scripture so differently as to destroy all confidence in settling the question by an appeal to the Bible.
13 At length I came to the conclusion that I must either remain in darkness and confusion, or else I must do as James direct, that is, ask of God. I at length came to the determination to "ask of God," concluding that if he gave wisdom to them that lacked wisdom, and would give liberally, and not upbraid, I might venture.

On a spring day in 1820, he prayed in a grove of trees to know which church was true. God the Father and Jesus Christ, "two Personages, whose brightness and glory defy all description," appeared and spoke with him. In the Joseph Smith History 1:17-19, it goes on to say:

17 One of them spake unto me, calling me by name and said, pointing to the other - This is My Beloved Son. Hear Him!
18 My object in going to inquire of the Lord was to know which of all the sects was right, that I might know which to join. No sooner, therefore, did I get possession of myself, so as to be able to speak, than I asked the Personages who stood above me in the light, which of all the sects was right (for at this time it had never entered into my heart that all were wrong) - and which I should join.
19 I was answered that I must join none of them, for they were all wrong; and the Personage who addressed me said that all their creeds were an abomination in his sight; that those professors were all corrupt; that: "they draw near to me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me, they teach for doctrines the commandments of men, having a form of godliness, but they deny the power thereof."

So, basically, Joseph Smith is visited by God and Jesus Christ and told that he shouldn't join any of the churches of that day and that he should await further instructions from on high. This is a fantastic story and one that many people have a very hard time accepting. As I mentioned earlier, I didn't disbelieve that Joseph Smith had this First Vision or that he was a prophet of God, but I also didn't have a burning conviction that they were true either.

On Friday night, my brother-in-law DE came over and we watched a movie. After he left, I decided to pray that I would get something out of the temple visits the next day. As I did so, I had a visceral experience that I couldn't explain at the time. I had the feeling of pressure pushing down upon me but also an aura or force field around me as well. I also remember pleading with God to stay with me during this experience. After I was done praying, I remember thinking "that was an odd experience" but I didn't read into it any more than that.

The following day, I visited the Oakland temple in the morning. At the visitor center, they were showing the movie "Joseph Smith: Prophet of the Restoration". One of the missionaries had told me that I should definitely check it out if I had a chance. During the movie, they visually depicted the First Vision, including this part described in the Joseph Smith History 1:15-16:

15 After I had retired to the place where I had previously designed to go, having looked around me, and finding myself alone, I kneeled down and began to offer up the desires of my heart to God. I had scarcely done so, when immediately I was seized by some power which entirely overcame me, and had such an astonishing influence over me as to bind my tongue so that I could not speak. Thick darkness gathered around me, and it seemed to me for a time as if I were doomed to sudden destruction.
16 But, exerting all my powers to call upon God to deliver me out of the power of this enemy which had seized upon me, and at the very moment when I was ready to sink into despair and abandon myself to destruction - not to an imaginary ruin, but to the power of some actual being from the unseen world, who had such marvelous power as I had never before felt in any being - just at this moment of great alarm, I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun, which descended gradually until it fell upon me.

I didn't know about this dark initial part of the First Vision at the time so it took me by surprise when I saw it on screen. But I immediately connected with it, though, given my "odd experience" the night before. It was then and there that I knew in my heart that the First Vision took place as Joseph Smith had described and that he was a prophet of God. Honestly, this was the last thing I was expecting to get out of the day but I can't deny it either.

Shortly after the movie ended, I decided to offer a short prayer outside the temple with my sister-in-law HG. It was a chilly, windy, cloudy day. When we sat down and I began my prayer, the sun came out from behind the clouds and shone down on me and HG. I remember the warmth it brought and the intensity of the light through my eyelids. I actually paused at one point to soak it all in and then abruptly ended the prayer because any further thoughts exited my mind. I wouldn't go so far as to say that the Lord was showing favor for me in this moment. If anything, it reminded me of an experience about a week prior. My brother-in-law TR got laid off unexpectedly from his job just before Thanksgiving. I decided to fast that he might find a new job and that this experience might help him in his life someway. I decided to fast from 1pm on Wednesday, November 21 (the day before Thanksgiving) to 3pm on Thursday, November 22 (Thanksgiving day). I decided to skip dinner and breakfast since I had a business lunch already scheduled that Wednesday and it had been months in the making. I also didn't want to skip the Thanksgiving lunch/dinner that my brother-in-law DE was preparing. That Wednesday afternoon, I decided to start my fast with a prayer. I didn't want to do it at work so I went for a short walk. I got about 5 or 6 blocks from my office and found a quiet spot in an industrial complex. It was a bright California day and I remember the warmth and brightness of the sun as I prayed to begin my fast that it might help TR find a new position. TR hasn't found a new job yet but perhaps the later experience at the Oakland temple was God's way of telling me he had heard my prayer and that my fast would help TR in some small way. [Aside: I fasted on December 1 as part of the temple visits.]

That's everything for the Oakland temple. The Sacramento temple visit was much less eventful. HG and I drove 2 hours from the Oakland temple to the Sacramento temple and arrived around 2:30 or 3pm. It's a small temple and there is no visitor's center or anything like that. I had one suggestion for someone to speak with at the Sacramento temple but he wasn't available. So HG and I walked around the grounds - which aren't that big and I'd seen them before when I visited the open house for this temple last August (see prior post). HG had visited the open house as well and shared her observation that she had felt a noticeable difference between the Sacramento temple during the open house compared with other temples she had been in. Basically, her observation was that temples are just beautiful buildings until they are dedicated. I thought that was an interesting insight and one that I'll file away for future reflection.

I'm curious to see what the Washington, DC and Rexburg temples have in store for me. Just as I'm composing this part of the post, an email came in regarding my missionary work talk (see previous post). It says:

True to your comments on missionaries converting themselves, one of the times that I felt a true acceleration in my conversion was during my first Christmas on my mission. I cannot pinpoint the moment exactly, but I remember feeling completely overcome with a sudden understanding of why we (as a people) were celebrating: We have a Savior! I was filled with such joy and thankfulness at the thought of the Messiah. It seemed to sink deeper into my understanding, and for a time, I was truly overwhelmed with joy and relief. Then, it deepened further, and I was impressed with the sense of responsibility I had to share that understanding. It was a crowning moment for me to suddenly realize that I was a missionary preaching of Christ on Christmas. It felt so right.

It's not lost on me that I'll be visiting the DC temple right around Christmas. So, if I had to guess, I would say that visit may provide a deeper understanding of Jesus Christ and His atoning sacrifice. But I've been dead-wrong with my other predictions so I suspect I'll get something else out of the visit. I think the feeling of surprise is part of what drives home for me that the messages I'm taking away from these experiences are genuine and not a result of "wish fulfillment" or "delusion". God knows how my mind works and is tailoring his message so I can recognize and accept it.

There are some additional implications of my "First Vision" experience but it's late so I'll save them for another post. As DE says, good night and good luck.

Why Missionary Work Is So Important

A couple of weeks ago, one of the missionaries I've been meeting with jokingly suggested that I prepare a Sacrament meeting talk. For those of you not familiar with the LDS Church, the main gathering of the ward (congregation) each week is called the Sacrament meeting. One element of the meeting is two members of the ward being asked to give talks (speeches) regarding an assigned topic. Once given the topic, the person is free to take the talk in whatever direction they see fit. Partially to see if I could do it, partially as a thank you to the missionaries, I decided to write a hypothetical talk regarding "why missionary work is so important" (download PDF). Please let me know what you think if you're so inclined.