January 19, 2008

I'll warn you in advance that some of you will read this entry and think I've lost my mind. Others will read it and think it's cool. You're all right. I'll also warn you in advance that this entry will be pretty long. For those of you with short attention spans, here are the key takeaways. I've set Saturday, January 19, 2008 as my date to be baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Between now and then, I'm going to visit the Fresno, Sacramento, Oakland, and DC temples to help build my testimony.

Now, for those of you with a little time on your hands, let me give you all the gory details. As I discussed in a previous post, I've been officially investigating the LDS Church for the last month and a half based on a seemingly random chain of events that reminded me of an experience I had 14 years ago. During the last six weeks, I've had various meetings with the missionaries along with other ward members. I've been reading the Book of Mormon (BOM) for the last 10 days based on not wanting to be outdone by an 11-year old (see post). And I've been praying consistently while reading the BOM - mostly to get something out of the reading but also to find answers to my questions.

Going into this process, I wouldn't have guessed I'd end up at this point so quickly. There was even a point with the missionaries where I was planning to "take a break" from further discussions but changed my mind during the meeting in which I was going to deliver that message. I've had swings (sometimes within the same day) from thinking I was ready to be baptized right then to thinking it would never happen. So it hasn't been a perfectly smooth process but that's probably by design.

In terms of the tipping point, it was a rapid set of events over a 48 hour period. Last Friday, I had a meeting with the missionaries. I had taken the day off from work to catch up on personal matters - mostly this blog. As you may have noticed, I had a flurry of seven blog entries that day, including four about Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. As it turns out, the President of the San Francisco Mission joined the missionaries for this meeting. We ended up talking for 2 hours (a typical meeting is supposed to be 45 minutes) and I only ended the conversation because I was very late for some dinner guests at home. We covered a wide range of topics during that meeting, including PK giving me an overview of structure and chronology of the BOM. Given his obvious deep knowledge of the material, I posed all my "hard" questions to him and he had immediate responses. I got the distinct impression that there was no (doctrinal) question I could ask him that he wouldn't have a good answer for. In addition to his depth of knowledge, I was also impressed with PK's obvious depth of character. He seemed to have a genuine desire to find the truth wherever it may be - having read, for example, the Qur'an and scriptures of other faiths. He also had a genuine interest in serving others and spreading the Gospel.

During this meeting, the missionaries asked "you seem ready, what's holding you back from being baptized?" Based on the flow of the conversation, it was a fair and logical question. My response was that I'd like to believe that I'm the type of person who does what he says he's going to do. So if I make certain covenants with God, I'm going to keep them. But I wouldn't make that decision lightly. Also, I hadn't finished reading the BOM yet so I didn't see the harm in getting to the end of the process - even if it meant waiting to make the decision for another 30, 60, or 90 days (or more). Who knows, maybe I'd find something in the BOM that I wouldn't be able to get comfortable with - although I didn't think that was likely. The missionaries and the Mission President were very understanding and didn't apply any pressure. They just asked the question and left it at that.

On the way home and later that evening, I thought about the baptism discussion I'd had and what was holding me back. I read over the baptismal interview questions on page 206 of Preach My Gospel - also see here. After reading through these questions a couple of times and thinking about it, I sent the following email to JW:

Subject: Believe vs willing to believe

Hi JW,

I had another good meeting with the missionaries today. And PK was able to join us too. I'm reading through the baptismal interview questions on page 206 of Preach My Gospel - specifically the first two:

(1a) Do you believe that God is our Eternal Father?
(1b) Do you believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, the Savior and Redeemer of the world?
(2a) Do you believe the Church and gospel of Jesus Christ have been restored through the Prophet Joseph Smith?
(2b) Do you believe that [current Church President] is a prophet of God?

For 1a, my answer would be yes. For 1b, 2a, and 2b, my answer would be that I'm willing to believe those things since I don't have a compelling reason not to believe them. Is that sufficient at this stage of the game? Or is "believe" the moral equivalent of "know with certainty" in this context ( e.g., do you know with certainty that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, the Savior and Redeemer of the world?). Trying to understand the bar from the Church's perspective and independently reconcile that with my own bar for entering into covenants with God.

One of the questions the missionaries asked me was what's holding me back from being baptized. This difference between belief (and knowing with certainty) vs being willing to believe (but not knowing with certainty) is one of the main things holding me back so thought I'd solicit your opinion on the matter. To the extent it makes a difference, when I say "know with certainty", I implicitly mean "know in my heart" as opposed to purely "knowing in an intellectual way".

Thanks,
GNP

It was late at that point so I ended up leaving my stuff out and going to bed. The next morning, I went to put Preach My Gospel (still open to the baptismal interview questions) away in my backpack. As I did, page 4 of the October 2007 issue of Ensign stared back at me. Many weeks ago I had opened the magazine to the first article but hadn't had time to read it. So the magazine had been sitting in my backpack ever since, still open to that article. On the opposing page (and the side facing me as I opened my bag) was a picture of Christ being baptized by John the Baptist. Now, the magazine wasn't the only thing in my backpack. It was part of a big stack of papers and books but it just so happens that I went to insert Preach My Gospel into my bag at the place in the stack where this picture was staring back at me right in the face. You could certainly chock that up to random coincidence but I don't believe in random coincidences (see post). I took this as an unmistakable sign that, despite my reservations (that I had expressed the night before), I was supposed to be baptized. So I got the ball rolling in my mind regarding what date I should pick, etc.

But this still left me with an obvious problem. Even though I received this sign I was supposed to be baptized, it didn't magically change the fact that the strength of my testimony hadn't changed in 8 hours while I had been sleeping. The day unfolded without much more drama - just a variety of activities with the kids. That night, my wife and I went to an 80's party at a friend's house. As we were leaving the party, I saw on my Treo that I had received a reply from JW to my email. I was hoping he'd let me off the hook and say that being willing to believe was enough, but alas he's not that type of guy. He's one of those people who tells you what you don't want to hear but know is true. The gist of his response was that the interview questions are asking about your personal testimony and that I should continue to read the BOM and pray about it to build mine. For encouragement, he cited D&C 112:10: "Be thou humble; and the Lord thy God shall lead thee by the hand, and give thee answer to thy prayers."

We get home from the party and I decide to make some further progress on the BOM. I was in the middle of some challenging chapters in 2 Nephi by Isaiah and honestly not getting a lot out of it. Even though I had prayed before opening the BOM for assistance focusing on the material and assessing its truth, I couldn't help thinking about JW's response about building my testimony. For awhile, people had been suggesting varying forms of fasting and prayer to know what I should do (or know whether the BOM was true). I had this picture in my head of going off by myself at some point for some solitude and prayer to get me over the hump. Similar to Joseph Smith in the woods or Jesus in Gethsemane, I was going to go off into nature to pray and find answers to my questions. But, in my mind, I was going to go on the hike or was going to sit around some place scenic. In the midst of reading the BOM, I got an overwhelming feeling (message) that I was supposed to go to temples rather than nature to build my testimony. I stopped what I was doing and dwelled in the moment. What I specifically took away was that I was supposed to visit the Fresno temple with my wife's uncle this Saturday (during a previously scheduled visit), visit the DC temple while visiting my parents for Christmas and New Years, and visit the Sacramento and Oakland temples somewhere in between.

Now, let's be clear about a couple of things. At the time (and even now), it's not at all clear to me what I'm supposed to do or what I'm supposed to learn by going to these temples. Also, I feel totally ridiculous every time I tell anyone this part of the story because (a) it's not clear why God would instruct me to do this and (b) he instructed me to visit multiple buildings that I can't even enter. For those of you who are fans of the movie Pee Wee's Big Adventure, it feels like being told to pack my bags for San Antonio so I can find my bike in the basement of the Alamo when the Alamo doesn't have a basement to begin with. That said, I'm not questioning this instruction in any way and made plans to following morning to visit these four temples. When God tells you to do something (or at least you believe that to be true), you do it, no questions asked.

[Aside #1: I was also tempted to book a flight to visit the Salt Lake temple to see the statue of Christ in the visitor center there. It's one of my few childhood memories from an around-the-country trip we took one summer. But I don't believe it was part of the official guidance so I'll do it another time.]

[Aside #2: The purpose of visiting the Fresno temple may already have become clear. My wife's aunt and uncle are friends with the Fresno Mission President and he will be joining us for my visit to that temple. So I assume that could be the reason I was meant to go to that temple - but I could be wrong.]

[Aside #3: One hypothesis I had is that perhaps God is instructing me to go to these temples precisely because I can't go into them. Effectively, I'd go to these places and all I'd take away from them is a disappointment of not being able to go inside. And then have that motivate me to make changes in my life - including being baptized - so that I could enter the temple down the road.]

[Aside #4: My sister-in-law HG was joking the other night that I must be going for a world record in terms of how many missionaries (and Mission Presidents) I can have involved in my conversion. So far I've met with three missionaries in the ward and my wife's sister NR got me on this path in the first place 14 years ago during her mission in Chile. Then there's the San Francisco Mission President and soon to be the Fresno Mission President. And presumably I'll end up talking with one or more missionaries at each of the Sacramento, Oakland, and DC temples. Crazy.]

Ok, back to Saturday. I get this personal revelation and decide to go to bed. That night, I have a dream about a house burning down and being reduced to rubble. You could argue this doesn't mean anything (and you might be right) but I interpreted it as follows. In Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis makes the analogy of imagining yourself as a house that God will rebuild into a palace that He will live in personally (see post). People also refer to confirmation (following baptism with water) as "baptism with fire". So I interpreted this dream (the picture of which is still in my head even now) to mean that God is going to burn down my house (figuratively) and build me back up exactly how he wants me (and for his purpose). A couple of reactions that morning: (1) "enough already, I get it, I'm supposed to get baptized", (2) I'll personally end up in a better place in my life long-term but the burn-down and rebuild process is going to be really unpleasant and I hope God gives me the strength to get through it, and (3) God isn't messing around, he's got plans for me independent of what I might otherwise want or what would be personally easy for me; but I better accept God's plan and callings when the time comes regardless of what else I have going on.

So that's the scoop. Now, you may have one more question in your mind so let me answer it. Why January 19, 2008? Is there something special about that date? The short answer is no. I needed a date in the new year so I'd have time to visit the DC temple over the holidays. I also needed to build in time for the baptismal interview to occur once I got back. And I wanted my sister-in-law NR to be at the baptism (since she got me on the path 14 years ago) and that Saturday worked for her family. So I booked a flight out for her and locked in the date with the missionaries. But otherwise, there's nothing special about the date other than it being the birthday of the Prophet Mohammed (of Islam) in 570 AD (according to Today in History) - but that had absolutely nothing to do with it (although it is an intriguing "coincidence").

As I mentioned in the opening, some of you (if you got this far in the post) will think I've lost my mind and others will think this is all very cool. It's up to you to make that judgement for yourself. All I can say is that this sequence of events holds personal significance to me - so much so that I've decided to be baptized into a particular Church (on the assumption / faith that my testimony will grow sufficiently in the meantime) and also blindly do a "temple tour" without knowing in advance what I'm supposed to do at each location when I get there. What I do know, however, is that if I ever get asked to do a talk on "the Lord works in mysterious ways", I'll definitely have plenty of material. =)

PS - You're all invited to the baptism and/or confirmation if you want to attend. But certainly do not feel compelled to be there. I know you'll all be there in spirit.