Family meetings

Every Sunday morning, we have a family meeting. It's a tradition that my wife started a couple of months ago and so far it's been a big success. I'd certainly advocate the tradition for any family - whether they have kids or not. The meetings are a built-in time to check in, connect as a family, and discuss pertinent ideas or issues. For our meetings, the stated purposes are:

• To give compliments
• To help each other
• To solve problems
• To plan family activities

The kids (particularly JD) really seem excited and empowered by the meetings. Some of the topics JD has asked to discuss are how we can show people we love them, what we can do if someone is not being nice, and how we can keep loving each other even if we have an argument. For each topic, we brainstormed a set of possible solutions and then posted a sign on the door. For example, on April 22, we came up with this set of suggestions if someone isn't being nice:

• Move away, run away, or leave
• Tell the person how it makes you feel
• Tell the person it's not ok to not be nice
• Make an angry face
• Use words. Ask the person if something is wrong, why they're not being nice, and how you can help them feel better.
• Don't have to be not nice back.

Regarding how we can keep loving each other even if we have an argument, here's the list we came up with on May 13:

• Be nice
• Say "sorry"
• Play a game
• Say "I love you"
• Give a kiss
• Be good
• Give a hug
• Be nice and love
• Read a book
• Share a toy

Prior to having kids (and especially after JD and AJ were born), my wife and I had family meetings of our own where we could discuss how things were going for each other and how we could support each other better. We still try to have those "adult-only meetings" once a week - usually while taking a walk - and it makes a big difference in our marriage.

Post frequency

For awhile now, I've felt like I've been neglecting my blog - or at least not tackling the same depth of issues I did in the past. The graph to the right proves out that my post frequency is way down from where it was when I first started this blog. Many of the original posts were focused on religion, spirituality, and balance since those were the issues I was struggling with the most. I wouldn't say that I have them totally figured out but I feel I'm in a much better place than when I first started the blog. So, if post frequency is a reflection of level of struggle, I suppose it's not entirely a bad thing that my post frequency is down. That being said, the more practical reason that I'm not posting as much that is work is very busy and it's hard to squeeze in other forms of self-reflection like this (which isn't a good thing). One of these days I'll get back to the harder issues. For now, I'll do my best to post when I can.

The Marshmallow Test

In one of the venture blogs I read, there was an interesting post that referenced the "marshmallow test". Specifically, there was a test done back in the early 1960s by Walter Mischel with 400 four-year olds at Stanford University.

Children were put in a room by themselves with a two-way mirror and filmed. On the table in the room was a marshmallow. The researcher then told each child that, “I’ve got to leave for about 10 minutes. You can eat this marshmallow now if you want. Or if you wait till I get back, you can have two marshmallows when I get back.” Some of the kids were pretty determined to wait; one child actual licked the table all round the marshmallow but avoided the marshmallow itself. Some could wait a few minutes only. Others gobbled it down immediately. The researchers continued to track these children throughout their school careers and into early adult life.

The results were dramatic. Those who had deferred eating the marshmallow for 15-20 minutes in order to get the bigger prize just a few minutes later were more socially competent, personally effective, self-assertive and better able to cope with the frustrations of life. They were less likely to go to pieces, freeze, regress under stress or become rattled and disorganized when pressured. They embraced challenges, and pursued them instead of giving up even in the face of difficulties; they were more self-reliant and confident, trustworthy and dependable; they took initiative and plunged into projects. This group even scored on average 210 points higher on their SAT.

I doubt the marshmallow test was ever administered to me when I was four years old but I suspect I would have been one of the kids that would have waited it out and gotten two marshmallows at the end. Sometimes I worry I'm a little too focused on delayed rewards, that I'm always investing for the future (for monetarily and career-wise) rather than enjoyed the present. But I suppose that's just how I'm wired.

I'm kind of tempted to administer the marshmallow test on my kids. I'm pretty sure JD would wait (even a year ago when he was four). I'm less sure about AJ but he's only three right now so it's a little hard to judge. That being said, he does pretty well with delayed rewards (e.g., if you do X now, you'll get Y tonight) so he'd probably be in the same camp as JD.

First day of kindergarten

Today was JD's first day of kindergarten. It seemed to go well. The program is dual immersion English-Spanish and 90% of the instruction in kindergarten is in Spanish (but becomes 50/50 by fifth grade). So I think JD was a little mentally exhausted by the end of the day (with all the Spanish being thrown at him) but that was part of the point of putting him in this program. He probably wouldn't be challenged by a regular kindergarten program given where he is right now with reading, math, and verbal communication.

Anyway, I took the day off so I could take JD to school in the morning and pick him up at lunchtime. Given work, I don't know how often I'll be able to do that for him so I figured this was a good day to make it happen. Who knows if it made any difference to JD (he just ran right into class and started exploring the classroom; no clinging or hesitation) but it was a symbolic gesture on my part. It was my way of saying to him that he's important to me and that I want to support him - even if I can't be there all the time.

As luck would have it (or perhaps everything happens for a reason), one of the energy blogs I follow had a personal post today. In it, the blogger (who has a full-time job and family) was discussing the fact that his blog is taking up too much of his time and putting a strain on his family. This excerpt resonated with me:

This past week, my 11-year-old son watched a movie that he really liked. I told him, "Yeah, I have been meaning to watch that with you." He then looked at me, and asked "But why didn't you?"

I know I'm making choices in my life that prevent me from doing every little thing with my kids (or my wife). But I certainly don't want to get to one of these gut-wrenching moments when it becomes perfectly clear your priorities have been in the wrong place for a long while. Hopefully this forum of people can keep me honest in that regard and I can do enough stuff along the way to be an integral part of my kids' lives while also accomplishing something meaningful in other parts of my life (particularly my marriage and career).

Done having kids

People sometimes ask me whether we're planning to have any more kids. My immediate answer is "we're done". Most people are actually quite surprised (and amused) by how immediate the response is. But I'm quite content with the two boys I have and really don't want to go through the baby phase again. I was thinking about this today since we were over at my sister-in-law's house and I was hanging out with her new baby. Her son is totally mellow, quite cute, and loves to a warm body to cuddle up to. But, when I was holding him, I definitely wasn't thinking "wouldn't it be nice to have another kid". Instead, I was thinking about how great it is that my boys are growing up and getting increasingly independent.

From what I understand, a number of dads start to really get into their kids when they hit four years old or so. At that point, you can do more interactive stuff and communicate a lot better. So I suppose my situation isn't much different. Regardless, if my parents want any more grandkids, they'll need to depend on my brother because we're done. =)

The Pragmatic Path to Agnosticism

A friend of mine has a great thread going over on his blog (Running Naked) that explores his path from Catholicism to Aethism to Agnosticism. So far, he's published 4 of the 5 essays: Get Thee Behind Me Jesus!, The Shiny Ball of Atheism, Survival of the Holiest, and The Fundamentalist Atheist. So far, I've really enjoyed the series (along with all his other posts) and look forward to the final installment. If you have some time, I'd highly recommend reading this series.

Amendment (8/22/07): Here is a link to the final installment in this series.

Bit Literacy

A friend of a friend wrote a great book called Bit Literacy. I've previously written about a tool called Gootodo (see post). This book takes things a step further and outlines all the skills and strategies one needs to be successful in this digital, information-intensive age. The book's a quick read so I'd highly recommend it. In my case, I found the first part of the book (about email purges and getting to-do's organized) most useful. The rest of the book was all stuff I already know and do. Then again, my life is more bit-intensive than most.

After reading the book, I emptied my personal inbox. Still working on doing the same thing with my work email. I've also been using Gootodo again although I still sometimes supplement with paper. The real trick with all of this isn't knowing the strategies but being consistent in their application. I probably do better with this stuff than most but it's still a struggle. If others read the book, I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts on all this.

Temptation

My brother-in-law sent me a quote the other day from C.S. Lewis: "No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good. A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is...We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it." I've certainly found this to be true - whether it be with eating, work, or other things. I don't do particularly well in the moment. It's too easy to rationalize the transgression, especially if it seems fairly minor in the grand scheme of things. I've found my best strategy to be avoidance (prevent facing the temptation to begin with). This quote is interesting to me, though, since I know people for whom temptation doesn't appear to be an issue. But I guess you just never know other people's struggles behind the scenes (and they likely don't know mine).